Jokes

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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Jan 06, 2014 5:03 am

Sarah Palin wrote an audio book. :lol: Click on the Christmas ornaments to hear some of the lines from it: http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/20 ... t-joy.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Mon Jan 06, 2014 5:20 am

There are few things that anger a secular liberal atheist more than a horizontal plank intersecting a vertical plank — a cross — on public land.
Yeah! What have you atheists got against public torture and execution devices?!?
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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Re: Jokes

Post by octopus1 » Mon Jan 06, 2014 5:20 am

Gord wrote:Sarah Palin wrote an audio book. :lol: Click on the Christmas ornaments to hear some of the lines from it: http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/20 ... t-joy.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
"Welcome to our little Tea Party!"
"...Wait, what, tea?"
"Cucumber sandwich...?"
"Oh no. No, no, no, no! I'm voting for the democrats, so shove it!"
"....OK!!! We also have hotel bottles of gin and some slightly denatured schnapps in a dog bowl."
"Keep... talking.....?"
"On the fence".... Without a cushion....

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Jan 06, 2014 4:11 pm

Gord wrote:Sarah Palin wrote an audio book.
I thought this was the funniest part. :(
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Alexander941 » Fri Jan 24, 2014 11:33 pm

Do you know the Radio Eriwan Jokes?
Jokes which sound like Questions asked by the people who have listened to Radio Eriwan in the Era of the cold war:

Q:What is the difference between a Democracy and a Peoples Democracy?
A:It is like the difference between a jacket and a Straight jacket.

Q:Is it possible to make a five-year plan for sexual reproduction?
A:No, The means of production are still in private hand.

Q:Is it true that almost everyone in the USA owns a car?
A:Yes but everyone in the USSR owns a parkingspace.

Q:Is it true that the Americans have a lot of Midgets?
A:Yes, but Soviet Midgets are the largest.

Q:Is it true that the crop in the Ukraine is growing as high as phonepoles?
A:Not as hig, but as far appart.

Q:Is it true that you can be a good communist and a good christian at the same time?
A:In principel yes, but why would on choose to have a life twice as difficult.

Q:Is it true that Carter and Brezhnev were competing in a race around the kremlin, and that Carter won?
A:No thats not true, Brezhnev was able to claim a honorable 2nd place, but Carter came in 2nd to last.

Q:Is it true that Comrade Popovic was thrown into Jail for 10 years because of no reason at all?
A:No, that is wrong. For no reason you will only get 5 years.

_________

A Gulag back in the 1940ies, three men are sitting in a cell and talking.
1:Why are you here?
2:I have been for Maxim Petrovic in 1935.
2:And you?
1:I have been against Maxim Petrovic in 1937.
1&2:And you why are you in here?
3:Iam Maxim Petrovic!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Cygnus_X1 » Wed Feb 19, 2014 12:38 pm

There was a young lady from Nod
Who prayed for a baby from God
But 'twas not the Almighty who climbed up her nightie
'Twas the vicar, the dirty old sod.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Wed Feb 19, 2014 1:11 pm

Asks Mary's husband, named Joe,
"There is one thing that I want to know.
With God you're beguiled
and now you are with child.
But did you have to give him a go?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Monster » Wed Feb 19, 2014 2:49 pm

Gord wrote:Sarah Palin wrote an audio book. :lol: Click on the Christmas ornaments to hear some of the lines from it: http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/20 ... t-joy.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
I listened to every ornament. 'Twas funny. :)
Listening twice as much as you speak is a sign of wisdom.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed May 21, 2014 12:20 pm

Wi DID XU WRM TRi TQ KRoS XU ROD?

HE HRD XaT HeVeN WUZ oN XE UXR SiD.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Wed May 21, 2014 8:14 pm

Q. Do you know why Jesus rode the cross?
A. To get to the other side.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Wed May 28, 2014 3:08 am

Q: What does Winnie the Pooh and Attila the Hun have in common?

A: Same middle name.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed May 28, 2014 8:09 am

Youre really on a roll here A#! Wut happened? Pozest by the spirit uv Rodney Danjerfield?
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Re: Jokes

Post by octopus1 » Wed May 28, 2014 8:52 pm

Why did booking the scientist into the old-timey prison take longer than usual?

He had to be degaussed first.
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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Sat May 31, 2014 3:25 pm

. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Re: Jokes

Post by Roybig » Thu Jun 05, 2014 10:12 am

Children's books never published:

"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"

"The Little Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"

"Strangers Have The Best Candy"

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Jun 06, 2014 1:56 am

Roybig wrote:Children's books never published:
two of which I found here, with attributions: http://www.humorbin.com/showitem.asp?item=29" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
"The Little Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables"
(...I don't know)
"Strangers Have The Best Candy"
(Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring)
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
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Re: Jokes

Post by Alexander941 » Sun Jun 08, 2014 5:47 pm

Fellow in Jacksonville heard that his pet porpoises would live forever if he fed them sea gulls. He ordered a few, but as the delivery boy stepped over a sleeping lion in his driveway the FBI nabbed him for transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
I got: ...transporting ......... across a sate line for immoral purposes.
But what does gulls mean?

Girls?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun Jun 08, 2014 6:54 pm

Alexander941 wrote:
Fellow in Jacksonville heard that his pet porpoises would live forever if he fed them sea gulls. He ordered a few, but as the delivery boy stepped over a sleeping lion in his driveway the FBI nabbed him for transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
I got: ...transporting ......... across a sate line for immoral purposes.
But what does gulls mean?

Girls?
Yes. "Transporting girls across a state line for immoral purposes."

http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/Mann+Act" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Although, technically, it should be "transporting a woman across state lines for 'immoral' purposes". But that's just nitpicking.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sun Jun 08, 2014 7:24 pm

Although, technically, it should be "transporting a woman across a state line for 'immoral' purposes". But that's just nitpicking. :-P
.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun Jun 08, 2014 8:14 pm

scrmbldggs wrote:Although, technically, it should be "transporting a woman across a state line for 'immoral' purposes". But that's just nitpicking. :-P
I copy/pasted my quote from the link I gave. Then I changed "transport" to "transporting" so it would make sense. :P :P
Mann Act n. a federal statute making it a crime to transport a woman across state lines for "immoral" purposes.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sun Jun 08, 2014 9:09 pm

Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:Although, technically, it should be "transporting a woman across a state line for 'immoral' purposes". But that's just nitpicking. :-P
I copy/pasted my quote from the link I gave. Then I changed "transport" to "transporting" so it would make sense. :P :P
Mann Act n. a federal statute making it a crime to transport a woman across state lines for "immoral" purposes.
And I was just being a pest. :-P
.
Lard, save me from your followers.

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Re: Jokes

Post by kennyc » Sun Jun 08, 2014 9:31 pm

Well if you were in the four corners area.....
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Jun 09, 2014 4:14 am

scrmbldggs wrote:
Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:Although, technically, it should be "transporting a woman across a state line for 'immoral' purposes". But that's just nitpicking. :-P
I copy/pasted my quote from the link I gave. Then I changed "transport" to "transporting" so it would make sense. :P :P
Mann Act n. a federal statute making it a crime to transport a woman across state lines for "immoral" purposes.
And I was just being a pest. :-P
And? :pardon:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Mon Jun 09, 2014 4:19 am

Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:
Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:Although, technically, it should be "transporting a woman across a state line for 'immoral' purposes". But that's just nitpicking. :-P
I copy/pasted my quote from the link I gave. Then I changed "transport" to "transporting" so it would make sense. :P :P
Mann Act n. a federal statute making it a crime to transport a woman across state lines for "immoral" purposes.
And I was just being a pest. :-P
And? :pardon:
And I luvs you? :-P
.
Lard, save me from your followers.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Jun 09, 2014 4:28 am

scrmbldggs wrote:
Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:
Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:Although, technically, it should be "transporting a woman across a state line for 'immoral' purposes". But that's just nitpicking. :-P
I copy/pasted my quote from the link I gave. Then I changed "transport" to "transporting" so it would make sense. :P :P
Mann Act n. a federal statute making it a crime to transport a woman across state lines for "immoral" purposes.
And I was just being a pest. :-P
And? :pardon:
And I luvs you? :-P
Well, okay, but I'd prefer cash. :read:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Mon Jun 09, 2014 4:44 am

.
Lard, save me from your followers.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Cygnus_X1 » Wed Jun 11, 2014 2:27 am

Then there's the dyslexic Devil worshipper....who worshipped Santa.
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Re: Jokes

Post by kennyc » Wed Jun 11, 2014 2:29 am

Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:
Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:
Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:Although, technically, it should be "transporting a woman across a state line for 'immoral' purposes". But that's just nitpicking. :-P
I copy/pasted my quote from the link I gave. Then I changed "transport" to "transporting" so it would make sense. :P :P
Mann Act n. a federal statute making it a crime to transport a woman across state lines for "immoral" purposes.
And I was just being a pest. :-P
And? :pardon:
And I luvs you? :-P
Well, okay, but I'd prefer cash. :read:
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. ;)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Jun 11, 2014 6:50 am

Cygnus_X1 wrote:Then there's the dyslexic Devil worshipper....who worshipped Santa.
When he was a kid, my nephew wrote a letter to Satan Claws. He was an example of the teaching system at the time.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Thu Jun 12, 2014 4:58 am

:lol: :) :lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by kennyc » Fri Jun 13, 2014 2:05 am

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."
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Re: Jokes

Post by digress » Fri Jun 13, 2014 2:14 am

  God is an idea.  
"For now, I am going to err on the side of freedom of speech..." -Pyrrho
"Every instance that has always existed is a piece of evidence that God is not needed." -yrreg
"I am not a concept..." -Confidencia

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Jun 13, 2014 5:19 am

A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Jun 13, 2014 11:03 pm

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the picture.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Jun 13, 2014 11:06 pm

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says:
Handjobs- $2
Sandwiches- $5

So he asks the bartender, who is a smoking hot blonde, "Are you the one giving out the handjobs?"

She says, "Yes."

So he tells her, "Well then go wash your hands and make me a sandwich."
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Re: Jokes

Post by digress » Fri Jun 13, 2014 11:38 pm

Two people are in a room.
One is a guy, the other a girl.
Guy is looking at girl while girl is looking back at guy.
In between the two is a mirror.
  God is an idea.  
"For now, I am going to err on the side of freedom of speech..." -Pyrrho
"Every instance that has always existed is a piece of evidence that God is not needed." -yrreg
"I am not a concept..." -Confidencia

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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Sat Jun 14, 2014 2:16 am

Jesus walks into a hotel and throws three nails on the counter.
"Can you put me me up tonight?"

Jesus was very upset at his birthday party. His birthday pinata was full of M&Ms and he didn't catch one of them.


Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
A: They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Sat Jun 14, 2014 5:05 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:Jesus walks into a hotel and throws three nails on the counter.
"Can you put me me up tonight?"

Jesus was very upset at his birthday party. His birthday pinata was full of M&Ms and he didn't catch one of them.


Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
A: They couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
Why did the Jews build a bridge over the river Jordan?
So Jesus could get across.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

.......................Doesn't matter how often I'm proved wrong.................... ~ bobbo the pragmatist

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Jun 20, 2014 4:25 am

A-number wrote:
Aztexan wrote:A woman is shopping at a grocery store. She picks up a half gallon of skim milk, 2 loaves of wheat bread, one dozen organic eggs, and some carrots. She goes to the checkout line.
"You must be single." the clerk says.
Amazed at the flattering insight of the clerk, the woman says, "Yes I am. How could you tell?".
"Because you're ugly".
That is the stupidest and lamest "joke" I have ever heard, but then again, there must be a reason behind it. Like if any woman is ugly, better for her to be that than to have to put up with penisless pimp. One can only tell how much the "author" must relate to the latter.
A-number, if you want to know how big it is, just ask. You obsess over it. You think about it constantly. You want to know, have to know, NEED to know. You see it everywhere. You can't sleep at night because it is in your head, you think of it as soon as you wake up because you want it. You can't eat certain foods because they remind you of it. You see it in the clouds, the stars, the earth, your dreams. All you have to do is ask. Take that step. Don't be afraid. All you have to do is ask.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Jun 20, 2014 4:39 am

A married couple and another man are stranded at sea and find themselves on an island. After a few days, the single man grows horny and can't resist wanting the married woman. So one day, as the couple were on the beach doing their daily chores, the man, who is on the highest branch of the tallest tree acting as lookout, shouts down to the couple, "Hey, will you two quit having sex down there? I can see you!"
He keeps this routine up for a few days until curiosity gets the better of the husband. He offers to trade chores for the day with the single man. As soon as the husband reaches the highest branch of the tallest tree above, the man takes the wife and proceeds to have his way with her. The husband, as he is looking down, says, "Wow, he's right. From up here, it does look like they're {!#%@}."
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