Jokes

Laugh it up...
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ElectricMonk
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Re: Jokes

Post by ElectricMonk » Fri May 06, 2016 8:39 am

Q: Why can't your hear when a Pterodactyl goes to the toilet?


A:
Because the 'P' is silent.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri May 06, 2016 9:15 am

goofed up post
Last edited by JO 753 on Fri May 06, 2016 9:20 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri May 06, 2016 9:19 am

TJrandom wrote:
JO 753 wrote:
Aztexan wrote:It's going to be hard to top that one. It feels like a competition. Damn you, TJRANDOM!
You mite hav notist that I hav pretty much stopped posting jokes. TJ ownz this topic!
Hey - don`t do that. All of my jokes are borrowed, and who knows when my pipeline will break, and then - our sanity will depend upon YOU. (I know, scary - right?)
I woud cheat. I'd just go back and start reposting your jokes!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri May 06, 2016 1:48 pm

We could just recycle old jokes.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 was a {!#%@} idiot racist trump supporter who beat 8 and killed 9 because 8 held opposing political and social views and 9 had a darker skin hue and was from another country.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri May 06, 2016 1:53 pm

Why can't you hear when a pterodactyl goes to the toilet?

Because the pterodactyl lives in North Carolina and is transgendered and cannot use certain public facilities and lives in fear for his life so he has to hold it in.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri May 06, 2016 5:29 pm

Okay, fine!

Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri May 06, 2016 5:32 pm

Q: What's Mary short for?

A: 'Cause she ain't got no legs.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri May 06, 2016 5:35 pm

Q: Why did the Eskimo wash his clothes in tide?

A: Because it was too cold out tide.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sat May 07, 2016 10:17 am

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way

What says, "Mark! Mark!
A harelip dog
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sat May 07, 2016 10:29 am

A man walks into a barbershop and asks the barber, "How long's the wait"?
The barber says, "About an hour", so the man leaves.
The next day the same man comes in and asks again, "How long's the wait."?
The barber answers, "About 45 minutes." so the man leaves again.
This goes on for about a week when the barber's curiosity gets the best of him so he hires a neighborhood kid to follow the man.
The next day when the man comes in, the barber and the boy are ready. When the man leaves, the boy follows.
About an hour later the boy returns to the barbershop and the barber asks him, "So where does that moron go?
The boy told him, "To see your wife".
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Sat May 07, 2016 10:48 am

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sat May 07, 2016 6:06 pm

I get it. 'Cause the barber obviously doesn't cut his own hair, so the guy assumes the wife does it.

Right?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sat May 07, 2016 6:31 pm

No. It was the duck who crashed the spaceship because the chief of police answered the riddle incorrectly. Pay attention.
Last edited by Aztexan on Sat May 07, 2016 6:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sat May 07, 2016 6:34 pm

I don't wanna and your wife's haircut can't make me!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sat May 07, 2016 6:35 pm

Ice cream cone
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sat May 07, 2016 6:42 pm

I wrote a dirty letter to Melania Trump telling her I want to {!#%@} her {!#%@}.
She wrote back asking me why I wanted to have sex with Donald.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sat May 07, 2016 6:54 pm

Did you say "because I was led to believe he is handsome"?



He's a sexy, sexy, mouldy pumpkin.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sat May 07, 2016 7:39 pm

I defy anyone to find a picture of that putrid chunk of maggot puke trump that doesn't look like he's taking a particularly painful {!#%@}.
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Prostate exam

Post by TJrandom » Sat May 07, 2016 10:27 pm

After my prostate exam, the doctor left the room and the nurse came in. She whispered three words that no man wants to hear…

Who was that?

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Red Cross blood drive

Post by TJrandom » Sun May 08, 2016 9:52 am

Thank you for donating at the Red Cross blood drive. Just think – right now the blood you donated could be in someone’s boner.

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communication

Post by TJrandom » Sun May 15, 2016 8:07 pm

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spotted another worker on the ground floor and yelled down to him, but he couldn`t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tried sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then he moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nodded his head, pulled down his pants, whipped out his chop and started to masturbate.

The worker on 5th floor was so pissed off that he ran down to the ground floor and said, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”

The other guy replied, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

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Hi, I`m Chuck...

Post by TJrandom » Tue May 17, 2016 12:26 pm

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"

No, Betty isn`t ready to go for spaghetti.

The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"

No, Flo can`t go to the show.

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. "Hello, my name is Chuck, I`m here to …"

But before he could finish his sentence, the farmer shot Chuck.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 17, 2016 3:31 pm

What was the third daughter's name?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Austin Harper » Tue May 17, 2016 4:42 pm

Buck.
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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Tue May 17, 2016 9:09 pm

Aztexan wrote:What was the third daughter's name?
Emily. There's no rhyme nor reason for who girls will date.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 17, 2016 10:13 pm

Holy {!#%@}! She's real
http://m.imdb.com/name/nm2177628/
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Wed May 18, 2016 1:26 am

Aztexan wrote:Holy {!#%@}! She's real
There was a New York agent who renamed his male actors "Rock Hudson", "Rip Torn" and so on. We are used to the names even though they are quite silly.

We never got used to the poor female actors with new names.

"Joy Bang"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joy_Bang

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Wed May 18, 2016 8:39 pm

Matthew Ellard wrote:
Aztexan wrote:Holy {!#%@}! She's real
There was a New York agent who renamed his male actors "Rock Hudson", "Rip Torn" and so on. We are used to the names even though they are quite silly.

We never got used to the poor female actors with new names.

"Joy Bang"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joy_Bang
Lost in perpetual obscurity
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

.......................Doesn't matter how often I'm proved wrong.................... ~ bobbo the pragmatist

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Re: Jokes

Post by zeuzzz » Thu May 19, 2016 2:04 am

Gord wrote:Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
That was painful to read. You keep all your christmas crackers?
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Re: Jokes

Post by zeuzzz » Thu May 19, 2016 12:42 pm

Oh are jokes mandatory? I only just noticed the subforum. Presume my above post was posted by buzzkillington.

... scuttles away ...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Thu May 19, 2016 7:00 pm

zeuzzz wrote:
Gord wrote:Q: What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
That was painful to read. You keep all your christmas, crackers?
:P
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Re: Jokes

Post by Cadmusteeth » Thu May 19, 2016 11:47 pm

Q:Why's a tax loophole like a good parking space?
Spoiler:
A: Once you see it, it's gone.

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Re: Jokes

Post by fromthehills » Wed May 25, 2016 3:34 am

Around here: looking for a partner is like mall parking, they're either taken, handicapped, or way the {!#%@} out there.

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Zoo chimps

Post by TJrandom » Wed May 25, 2016 4:25 am

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the side of the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "And they had a really good time, but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed May 25, 2016 6:47 am

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed May 25, 2016 6:48 am

FTH, you need to catch up on several pajez uv TJ here. He ownz this thred! He'z the KIng uv Komedy now!
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CIA Assassin

Post by TJrandom » Thu May 26, 2016 12:05 pm

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair."

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More bad jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Fri May 27, 2016 1:28 am

President Richard Nixon and Soviet chairman Nikita Khrushchev were having a debate, as to who had the most loyal bodyguards. They decided to put the matter to the test and take their bodyguards and themselves, up to the top of a high cliff face.

President Nixon says to his bodyguard. "John, I want you to jump off the cliff, now without hesitation." Nixon's body guard turns to the President and says "Mr President, I will not do that as I have a wife and family that I care very much about. I need to think about them."

Chairman Khrushchev turns to his bodyguard "Ivan. I want you to jump off the cliff, now, without hesitation". Ivan salutes chairman Khruschev and jumps off the cliff.

President Nixon says "That was amazing! Why did he do that?" Khruschev replies " He had a wife and family, that he cared for very much and he was thinking about them.

That's why my bodyguards are more loyal than yours"

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Re: Oldy but goody

Post by fromthehills » Fri May 27, 2016 2:07 am

Why did the Amish girl get excommunicated?
Spoiler:
read it out loud


Too Mennonite

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Re: CIA Assassin

Post by JO 753 » Fri May 27, 2016 4:45 am

TJrandom wrote:The CIA had an opening for an assassin...
I told that joke to my mom and it took me 2 minits till I coud stop laffing enuf to say the punch line!
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