Jokes

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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Apr 05, 2016 6:08 am

Cadmusteeth wrote:unfortionately
:-|
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Tue Apr 05, 2016 7:08 am

Un for tuna tely? :fish:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Apr 05, 2016 8:01 am

Unf ortu nate ly.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Tue Apr 05, 2016 8:38 am

Unfor tuna ate ly?

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Tue Apr 05, 2016 9:36 am

Holy Mackarel Batman! The Riddler iz going to wipe out Gotham with a tidal wave!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Tue Apr 05, 2016 10:41 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:
Gord wrote: .....otherwise she's laying someone named "flat" on her back. That's how I read it the first time, and it made the story really really weird.
This is your fault. I now get so nervous when posting the words lie, lay, any more and anymore that I can't remember which one to use.
YOU lie down. You lay down THE LAW.

Any more is not any less, at least not anymore.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Apr 05, 2016 1:44 pm

Gawdzilla Sama wrote:YOU lie down. You lay down THE LAW.
Aw jeez, don't complicate it! :pop: I just got them down for a nap!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Cadmusteeth » Tue Apr 05, 2016 2:14 pm

Gord wrote:
Cadmusteeth wrote:unfortionately
:-|
Sorry about that. I could not for the life of me remember how to spell it.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Austin Harper » Tue Apr 05, 2016 2:57 pm

Dum ratio nos ducet, valebimus et multa bene geremus.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Apr 05, 2016 5:38 pm

Past tenses don't count.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Tue Apr 05, 2016 6:08 pm

Cadmusteeth wrote:
Gord wrote:
Cadmusteeth wrote:unfortionately
:-|
Sorry about that. I could not for the life of me remember how to spell it.
There's a "tune" in the middle. Unfortunate.
Chachacha wrote:"Oh, thweet mythtery of wife, at waft I've found you!"
WWII Resources. Primary sources.
The Myths of Pearl Harbor. Demythologizing the attack.
Hyperwar. Hypertext history of the Second World War.
The greatest place to work in the entire United States.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Tue Apr 05, 2016 6:09 pm

Austin Harper wrote:
He was laid out, so the rule sticks.
Chachacha wrote:"Oh, thweet mythtery of wife, at waft I've found you!"
WWII Resources. Primary sources.
The Myths of Pearl Harbor. Demythologizing the attack.
Hyperwar. Hypertext history of the Second World War.
The greatest place to work in the entire United States.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Apr 05, 2016 7:24 pm

Gawdzilla Sama wrote:
Cadmusteeth wrote:
Gord wrote:
Cadmusteeth wrote:unfortionately
:-|
Sorry about that. I could not for the life of me remember how to spell it.
There's a "tune" in the middle. Unfortunate.
That's not a tune, that's a tuna.

Remind me never to ask you to sing me a song. :P
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Tue Apr 05, 2016 11:42 pm

Gord wrote: I just got them down for a nap!
....that was very funny. :lol:

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Sex frequency

Post by TJrandom » Fri Apr 08, 2016 5:16 am

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics just released from the Department of Health and Welfare in Tokyo in conjunction with the United Nations, revealed that: Japanese men between 60 and 85 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more), whereas Canadian men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my friends, as none of us had any idea we were Canadian.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Apr 08, 2016 5:59 am

What, no women were involved in that study?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Fri Apr 08, 2016 6:01 am

Apparently not with the Canadians......... :lol:


EDIT....

BTW - you should google this joke... as there are several versions out there, each with `offended` nationalities - and I too, changed them... so sorry....
Last edited by TJrandom on Fri Apr 08, 2016 9:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Fri Apr 08, 2016 8:02 am

A 1970's Joke
Q: Why are most most Australian men premature ejaculators?
A : ...because they can't wait to get down to the pub, to tell their mates, they got a root.


(My elder sister told me this joke in the 70's)

The Newcastle song

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Close shave

Post by TJrandom » Fri Apr 08, 2016 9:52 am

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sat Apr 09, 2016 7:27 pm

A white guy and three Mexicans were about to smoke a joint.
The white guy asked, "Who's got papers?"
The three Mexicans took off running.
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sun Apr 10, 2016 4:44 am

I locked my keys inside my car outside an abortion clinic the other day.
Boy do they get pissed when you go in and ask if you can borrow a coat hanger!
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Lard, save me from your followers.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sun Apr 10, 2016 7:49 am

A little girl goes into the hair salon and the male beautician gives her a cookie and helps her into the chair to begin cutting her hair.
After a couple of minutes, she starts crying.
He asks her, "What's the matter, little girl? You got hair on your cookie?"
She snaps back, "Of course not, you {!#%@}' pervert, I'm only six."
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 11, 2016 12:03 pm

Aztexan wrote:A white guy and three Mexicans were about to smoke a joint.
The white guy asked, "Who's got papers?"
The three Mexicans took off running.
That is where WOP came from..... or so I thought.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wop

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Birth Day

Post by TJrandom » Fri Apr 15, 2016 6:09 pm

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Apr 15, 2016 7:37 pm

:lol: :lol:
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a tragedy

Post by TJrandom » Sun Apr 17, 2016 10:25 pm

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school in Orlando and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So our illustrious Republican candidate asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him - that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Trump, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone - that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call a great loss.

"The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Apr 18, 2016 9:37 am

Didn't I hear that one before, except it was about Dubya Bush?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 18, 2016 10:01 am

Gord wrote:Didn't I hear that one before, except it was about Dubya Bush?
Wait for it... wait... w a i t .... if Cruz becomes the candidate.... ;)

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Apr 18, 2016 10:02 am

If Cruz becomes the candidate, I don't think anyone will believe he visited a school and was allowed to speak directly to the children.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 18, 2016 10:05 am

Gord wrote:If Cruz becomes the candidate, I don't think anyone will believe he visited a school and was allowed to speak directly to the children.
Good point. Must get creative... maybe the kids are on the menu, or trying to buy dildos, who knows?

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virgin jeans

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 18, 2016 5:08 pm

How long a virgin? It's written in your jeans: study

https://in.news.yahoo.com/long-virgin-w ... 11241.html
A DNA study of more than 380,000 people has uncovered a rather surprising role for human jeans: helping to determine the age at which you first have sex.
More at the link….

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“F*%#ing Asians!”

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 25, 2016 6:25 pm

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back of his teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking. “Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off.” said the teacher.

“Who is credited with writing the phrase, “To be or not to be, that is the question”?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, “Shakespeare”.

“Well done!” said the teacher, “You can have Monday off.”

“No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.” said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

“Well okay,” said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off”

“No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

“Okay,” said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F*%#ing Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya Tuesday.”

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Re: virgin jeans

Post by Gord » Mon Apr 25, 2016 6:48 pm

TJrandom wrote: How long a virgin? It's written in your jeans: study

https://in.news.yahoo.com/long-virgin-w ... 11241.html
A DNA study of more than 380,000 people has uncovered a rather surprising role for human jeans: helping to determine the age at which you first have sex.
More at the link….
I grew up during the 70s. What does it say about my corduroys?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Heaven arrivals

Post by TJrandom » Thu Apr 28, 2016 10:36 pm

Saint Peter was greeting all of the new arrivals who were trying to go thru the pearly gates into heaven. The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one.

"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just got out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and when I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky so I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the bugger clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so mad that I bashed his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but some awnings and bushes broke his fall. On seeing he was still alive I found some super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and I threw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a heart attack and died."

Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the A/C equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came running out and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge cedar chest falling towards me. I tried to crawl out of the way but couldn't and was hit and killed."

Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the waiting room. Saint Peter was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized to the new arrival and said "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."

I don't know about that" replied the man. "But picture this – I was stark naked, hiding in an antique cedar chest ......."

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Apr 29, 2016 1:11 am

:lol: :lol: :lol: You outdid yourself with that wun!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sun May 01, 2016 6:37 am

One day an old Jewish woman took her only grandson, Moshe, to the beach. She doted on Moshe as he was her only daughter's son. While she sat on her chair and enjoyed the sun, Moshe played in the sand.
All of a sudden, a huge tidal wave came in and swept little Moshe out to sea.
The woman was devastated. She fell to her knees and cried out, "God, I have always been faithful to you even through the worst times of my life. When my parents were killed in the war, I turned to you. When my husband was killed in the war, I relied on you. When my only son died in the war, I had you to get me through. Now, my only daughter's only son is gone. Why, God? Why me? Why?"

Then the clouds opened up and another wave washed ashore and when the tide went back out, there was little Moshe, stunned but ok.
His grandmother ran to him, picked him up and held him as tight and close as she could.
Then she stopped and held him away from her and looked at him as if she were examining him. She then looked up towards the sky and said in a stern tone, "He was wearing a hat!"
trump is Putin's bitch

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sun May 01, 2016 6:41 am

JO 753 wrote::lol: :lol: :lol: You outdid yourself with that wun!
It's going to be hard to top that one. It feels like a competition. Damn you, TJRANDOM!
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Fri May 06, 2016 12:58 am

If we accept the premise that men are always wrong, and women are always right… Then, if a man tells a women that she is right, is the man right or wrong?

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri May 06, 2016 4:30 am

Aztexan wrote:It's going to be hard to top that one. It feels like a competition. Damn you, TJRANDOM!
You mite hav notist that I hav pretty much stopped posting jokes. TJ ownz this topic!
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Fri May 06, 2016 4:35 am

JO 753 wrote:
Aztexan wrote:It's going to be hard to top that one. It feels like a competition. Damn you, TJRANDOM!
You mite hav notist that I hav pretty much stopped posting jokes. TJ ownz this topic!
Hey - don`t do that. All of my jokes are borrowed, and who knows when my pipeline will break, and then - our sanity will depend upon YOU. (I know, scary - right?)