Jokes

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Barbie

Post by TJrandom » Thu Feb 18, 2016 7:44 pm

One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembered that it was his daughter's birthday. So he stopped at a toy store and went in to ask the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answered, "Which one do you mean?" We have, Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asked: "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolled her eyes, sighed, and answered: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's truck, Ken's house, Ken's fishing boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's dog, Ken's computer, one of Ken's friends, and both of Ken's testicles."

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Wife

Post by TJrandom » Thu Feb 25, 2016 6:48 pm

A man received a message from his neighbour: "Sorry sir, I am using your wife day and night, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do. Really fast, no limitations at all, and a totally satisfying experience! But, I must confess this now because I am feeling just a little bit guilty. I hope you will accept my sincere apologies"

The man immediately took out a gun and shot his wife.

A few minutes later he received another message: "Sorry sir, I made a spelling mistake: I meant to write WiFi, not Wife"

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Women...

Post by TJrandom » Mon Mar 07, 2016 8:22 am

Women are like bacon – they look good, they smell good, they taste good ... but they slowly kill you!

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Re: Women...

Post by Gord » Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:21 am

TJrandom wrote:Women are like bacon – they look good, they smell good, they taste good ... but they slowly kill you!
I'm pretty sure I could kill you pretty darn quickly with 220 lbs of bacon.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Women...

Post by TJrandom » Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:31 am

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Women are like bacon – they look good, they smell good, they taste good ... but they slowly kill you!
I'm pretty sure I could kill you pretty darn quickly with 220 lbs of bacon.
220 lbs of women might do it sooner... my preference is for those closer to 100lbs.

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Re: Women...

Post by Gord » Mon Mar 07, 2016 9:45 am

TJrandom wrote:
Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Women are like bacon – they look good, they smell good, they taste good ... but they slowly kill you!
I'm pretty sure I could kill you pretty darn quickly with 220 lbs of bacon.
220 lbs of women might do it sooner... my preference is for those closer to 100lbs.
Ah, a two-for-one man, eh?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Women...

Post by TJrandom » Mon Mar 07, 2016 10:18 am

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:
Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Women are like bacon – they look good, they smell good, they taste good ... but they slowly kill you!
I'm pretty sure I could kill you pretty darn quickly with 220 lbs of bacon.
220 lbs of women might do it sooner... my preference is for those closer to 100lbs.
Ah, a two-for-one man, eh?
One can always dream...

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mother-in-law

Post by TJrandom » Sun Mar 13, 2016 11:01 pm

A young man excitedly told his mother that he had fallen in love and is going to get married. "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over my girlfriend and two of her friends, and let you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agreed and the next day he brought three beautiful women home and they sat down on the couch. After they had chatted for a while, he asked his mother to guess which one he planned to marry."

She immediately replied, "Well, that is easy – it`s Mary, the one in the middle."

He was surprised that his mother was so easily able to guess the correct woman, "How do you know?!"

The mother replied, "I don't like her"

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sun Mar 13, 2016 11:23 pm

:lol:



Run, Mary! Run! :-P
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Company mergers

Post by TJrandom » Mon Mar 14, 2016 10:48 pm

So that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks, watch for these company consolidations in 2016:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW.

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Re: Company mergers

Post by Gord » Mon Mar 14, 2016 11:06 pm

TJrandom wrote:5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
Or UPSEx.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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nymphomaniac

Post by TJrandom » Thu Mar 17, 2016 8:03 pm

Men like to think they are marrying a nymphomaniac. Unfortunately, after a few years the Nympho leaves, and the Maniac stays…

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Re: nymphomaniac

Post by Gord » Thu Mar 17, 2016 9:35 pm

TJrandom wrote:after a few years the Nympho leaves
YEARS?? :shock: Holy crap, where do I get one of THOSE??

...or did you mean "hours"? Because if you meant "hours", I consider that a good day; and if you meant "minutes", I consider that a bad day. But I have never ever encountered of those "YEARS" nymphos. Evvverrrrrrrr.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Mar 29, 2016 5:27 am

What’s grey and not there?
Spoiler:
No elephants.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Tue Mar 29, 2016 5:49 am

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
Spoiler:
A stick.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue Mar 29, 2016 5:55 am

What is straight, brown, and not there?
Spoiler:
my stick
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Wed Mar 30, 2016 4:55 am

That was stupid. Sorry. I hereby sentence myself to 10 handbuzzer handshakes, 5 squirts from a fake flower, and 1 pie in the face.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Mar 30, 2016 7:56 am

Mitch Hedberg was a funny guy, until he died from a drug overdose. Then he was less funny. Here are some of his jokes from before he stopped telling any:

"I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under 'D'."

"I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall."

"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."

"Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. 'Tom's gone!' 'Is he a magician?' 'No.' 'Then let's print up some flyers!'"
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Mar 30, 2016 9:54 am

Okay fine, I'll do it! (I'm talking to myself; no one else has goaded me into this, only me.)

I have a joke that I find inexplicably hilarious, but I didn't want to tell it because it may be offensive to half the people I love. I think the funniest thing about this joke is that I find it funny -- to some degree I'm laughing at myself. If it weren't for that, I wouldn't post this one.

It's pretty mild, despite the introduction I'm including with it.

Here it is.

*ahem*

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Spoiler:
Because they're ugly and they smell bad.
There ya go. That's it. If I'm ever spotted in public chortling to myself for no reason, it's because I'm thinking of this joke or another one like it.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Mar 30, 2016 9:56 am

I clicked on the spoiler and busted out laughing, even though I knew what it was going to say. See? I'm nuts. It's not that funny!

But as soon as I hit "Submit", I'm gonna do it again. I'm going to look at that punchline and I'm going to burst out laughing.

Inexplicable!!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Mar 30, 2016 9:58 am

:laff: Awww..., it hurts. :lol:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:05 am

Remindes me of the book of jokes... where for brevity, just mentioning the joke number was sufficient for those in the know. ... 53!

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed Mar 30, 2016 10:51 am

In my yunger daze I got the notion that I coud be a standup comedian. Remember the early 90z wen haf the showz on TV wer from such and such comedy club and theyd hav haf a dozen comedianz, most uv wich werent funny? I thot "I coud do that!" So I started doing open mike showz.

My main problem wuz that I am not prolific and I wuznt willing to stand up on staje blathering like thoze boring 'comedianz'. I didnt stick to it long enuf to develop a delivery stile, wich iz really haf uv wut seperates your Jerry Sienfeldz from the hacks.

But every 5 to 10 yirz I kum up with sumthing thats not exactly a joke, but coud be funny if dilivered by a good stand up comedian.

A few weeks ago wile watching the credits in Homeland, I saw a name; Hrach. Hrach Sumthingmiddleastern. So It got me wundering.

Imajin the yung mother lying in the recovery room, cooing over the new bundle uv joy on her breast. The father snuggling close to them, smiling ear to ear. Everything seemz so peaceful. All the soft clean blankets, pretty nursez stopping in occasionally to bring anything dezired.

"Wut shall we name her, dear?"

"I dont know, sweethart. She iz so byootiful! A little anjel!"

"How about HRACH !"

"Soundz good to me, sweety. Wutever you want."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Mar 31, 2016 8:39 am

Hrach Titizian is a guy.

The name Hrachs is masculine and means "eyes of flame" in Armenian. You'll also find it in the countries of the former Soviet Union due to the Armenian Diaspora caused by the Armenian Genocide in the first world war, which I was just reading about on Wikipedia last week. My point is, I don't think there is a feminine version, so you might need to modify the joke a little or to an Armenian it might sound analogous to an American calling his daughter Dave.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Thu Mar 31, 2016 9:52 am

O Ye! Now that you remind me, I remember the Titizian part!

Another 5 minits worth on the sirkumstansez surrounding sumwun way back inventing that name. I coud sell all this stuff to Banya!

!!!Weird Coinsidens Warning!!! I wuz talking with my bro on the fone 20 minits ago. During this conversation, he mentioned The Men Who Stare At Goates. I just looked up Hrach Titizian on IMDB & abrakadabra!

I suspected Hrach wuz a guy, but I think it soundz funnier if its a girl. "With such a mity name, she will bekum a great leader in the Taliban! Deth to America!"

Dear Mr. Hrach Titizian. Sorry! Its just that your 1st & last namez are not good at all in English. If you rezide in America, you alredy know this. My segjestion iz to change your name to sumthing that soundz ordinary or kool if you plan on staying. Edited to add: U O! I just looked at your bio and see you were born here! Maybe Hrach soundz kool in Armenia, but thats not where you liv, so wut wuz your mommy thinking? And wut iz your ajent thinking if he didnt talk you into chanjing? Its SOP in Hollywood. Even wen sumwun haz a good sounding name they chanje it. Anyway, pleez dont beat me up.
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Thu Mar 31, 2016 2:47 pm

Gord wrote:I don't think there is a feminine version, so you might need to modify the joke a little or to an Armenian it might sound analogous to an American calling his daughter Dave.
Dunno, I think one could name a girl "Rack". She could be one of the Spice Girls. :-P
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Mar 31, 2016 4:58 pm

Whu du fu...? Is this thing real or is it just some dumb speech synthesizer that doesn't know what it's doing?

"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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dead donkey

Post by TJrandom » Thu Mar 31, 2016 11:14 pm

A city boy moved out to the country and decided to buy a donkey from an old farmer for $300. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey to his house the next day. But when the farmer drove up the next day he said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news. Your donkey died on the way here.”

The young man replied, “No problem. Just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “I can’t do that. I already spent the money.” The young man told the farmer, “OK then, just unload the donkey.” The farmer asked what he was going to do with the dead donkey. “I’m gonna raffle him off,” answered the young man. The farmer, aghast, said, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!” The young man said, “Sure I can. I won’t tell anybody that he’s dead.”

A month later the farmer ran into the young man in town and asked him, “Whatever happened with that dead donkey?”

The young man told him, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at 5 dollars apiece and made a profit of $2200.” The farmer was amazed and asked, “Didn’t anybody complain?”

The young man replied, “Just the guy who won, so I gave him back his 5 bucks.”

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Garage fire

Post by TJrandom » Thu Mar 31, 2016 11:25 pm

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.

So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to.. to.. cut it off, are you?"

The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire....

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stammer wink wink

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 04, 2016 9:28 am

A man went to an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The technical aspects of the interview went quite well but the trouble was he kept winking and stammering. In summarizing, the interviewer said, "Although you have a lot of the qualities we're looking for, the fact that you keep winking and stammering likely disqualifies you."

"Oh, that's no problem," said the man. "If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking and stammering for an hour."

"Show me," said the interviewer.

So the man reached into his pocket. Embarrassingly he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety - ribbed, flavoured, coloured and everything before he found the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and soon talked perfectly and stopped winking.

The interviewer said, "That's amazing, but I don't think we could employ someone who'd be womanizing all over the country."

"Excuse me!" exclaimed the man, "I'm a happily married man, not a womanizer!"

"Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?" asked the interviewer.

The man replied, "Have you ever gone into a pharmacy, stammering and winking, and asked for a packet of aspirin?"

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Mon Apr 04, 2016 9:49 am

Two Mexicans come to the US and go looking for work. They find an employment agency and walk in. A man asks them into his office for an interview.
He asks the first Mexican, "So, what kind of work do you do?"
The first Mexican responds, "I pilot."
The man says, "I'm sorry. There is nothing available in the airline industry at this time."
He then looks to the second Mexican, "What kind of work are you looking for?"
The second Mexican says, "I cut down tree."
The man responds, "Great! I actually have an opening for a lumberjack. You can start tomorrow."
The second Mexican looks worried then says, "But senor, I can't work without my friend. Can you hire both of us?"
The man is now confused. He says, "I don't get it. You cut down trees. How can he possibly help you?"
The first Mexican answers, "Easy senor. He cut down tree. I pile it."
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon Apr 04, 2016 11:53 am

I came up with wun uv thoze yesterday, but the punch line duznt work too well in regular english.

A hillbilly starts work at the new soda machine factory that opened in Tennessee. He works for a few owrz, then quits kuz he cant take the smell. Befor he leavez, he gets on the PA and warnz everybody "XeM KeMIKLZ XA GoC YU YQZIN oR GUNU GIV YU KaNSR!" but insted uv quitting, everybody laffs at him az the security gard huslz him out the door.

A yir later, he readz in the paper that therez been a spike in nerve damaj, cancer, brain tumorz and liver dizeez in the area and its been trased to the factory.

So he goez back, sneaks in the back door and gets on the PA agen and yelz "TOL YQ oL!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Cadmusteeth » Mon Apr 04, 2016 4:36 pm

A man goes to a farm to buy a horse to ride. He finds a horse he likes and tells the farmer that he'd like to purchase it. After the transaction the farmer gives the man some words of advice;
"This is a very religous horse. He only goes when you say 'hallelujah!' and stops when you say 'amen'.
The man thanks the farmer for the advice and heads off to ride his new horse.
He gets on the horse's back and shouts "hallelujah!" and the horse starts walking. After a while the man decides he wants to go faster so he shouts "hallelujah" again and the horse begins to canter.
Wondering if he could go faster he says "hallelujah" a second time and the horse runs.
One last "hallelujah" from the man and the horse went into a full sprint.
The man was enjoying sailing through the plains when he spotted a ridge up ahead. He wanted to stop but he couldn't remember what the farmer said to stop the horse. Desprately, he said everything he could think of to try to slow the horse but nothing worked.
Finally he closed his eyes to pray, "Lord, please help me stop this horse and I will always be faithful, amen."
Suddenly the horse stop abrubtly and skidded dangerously to the cliff's egde and sent rocks falling over to the bottom.
The man could hardly believe what just happend. In a fit of joy he threw his hands up into the air and yelled "hallelujah!"

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Apr 04, 2016 8:34 pm

A man's sister has twins, a girl and a boy, so he offers to go and register them, and when he gets to the registry office he realizes he doesn't know what to name them. So he chooses their names. Then he goes home and tells his sister what he did. She asks what he named them. He says that the girl is called Denise, and she thinks, ok, that's nice. But what about the boy? Oh, he's called Denephew!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Matthew Ellard
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Mon Apr 04, 2016 10:54 pm

So Superman is flying over Metropolis city and feeling "a bit randy". He starts using his X-ray vision and looking down through buildings. To his astonishment, far below him he sees Wonderwoman taking her clothes off and then lay flat on her back on top of her bed. Wonderwoman starts wriggling around and moaning. Superman gets a super boner and decides to fly in through Wonderwoman's window and have his way with her. So at super speed, Superman pulls down his tights, mid air, and goes flying straight at Wonderwoman.

The end result of this story is that the Invisible man could not walk for three weeks and will never talk to Superman again.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Mon Apr 04, 2016 11:09 pm

Pyrrho, we need this. Image
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Apr 05, 2016 12:32 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:...and then lay flat on her back...
lie

Otherwise she's laying someone named "flat" on her back. That's how I read it the first time, and it made the story really really weird.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

Matthew Ellard
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Tue Apr 05, 2016 1:18 am

Gord wrote: .....otherwise she's laying someone named "flat" on her back. That's how I read it the first time, and it made the story really really weird.
This is your fault. I now get so nervous when posting the words lie, lay, any more and anymore that I can't remember which one to use.

I was humiliated by a solicitor once, in a meeting, as I was saying "So we are in agreeance?" and he pointed out there was no such word. "We are in agreement."

The solicitor did the right thing by telling me, in public. He made me remember not to use that fake word again.
:D

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Apr 05, 2016 4:16 am

It's lie. It's always lie. If you don't know which one to use, use lie. It's so rarely lay that it may as well never be lay.

Always use lie and you'll be wrong less often than if you try to figure it out each time it comes up.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Cadmusteeth » Tue Apr 05, 2016 5:36 am

Gord wrote:Whu du fu...? Is this thing real or is it just some dumb speech synthesizer that doesn't know what it's doing?

I have unfortionately realized that that sounds like "crotch."