Jokes

Laugh it up...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Sun Oct 13, 2013 11:03 pm

Here is a 1970's Russian joke that a friend told me last night.

(ring ring)
"Hello KGB headquarters. How can I help you?"
"Yes. I would like to report that my parrot has gone missing"
"Why are you telling us? We are the KGB."
"I just want you to know that the parrot and I have very different political views"

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon Oct 14, 2013 8:00 pm

In Russia, the the chickenz fry you!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Oct 15, 2013 1:58 am

It's hard to believe this was made before Dubya ran for office:

[ytube][/ytube]
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Post by Eric D R » Tue Oct 15, 2013 5:36 am

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog stand and says: "Make me one with everything."

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Re: Jokes

Post by cartiii » Fri Oct 25, 2013 7:55 am

What do you call the space between Pamela Anderson's breasts?

Silicon Valley. :)

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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Fri Nov 29, 2013 7:11 am

So God invites some of his old friends around for dinner.

("Knock knock". God opens his front door)

God (smiling): "Mary? Is that you? You look absolutely fantastic! "
Mary: (blushing) "Why.... thank you God. You are looking good yourself"
God (smiling) "Well come on in and let's talk about the good old times"
Mary (blushing) "I'm looking forward to a fun night".

Joseph (blandly): "God"
God (blandly) "Joseph"

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Nov 29, 2013 10:24 am

We need a Laf-O-Meter.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Fri Nov 29, 2013 2:02 pm

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Nov 29, 2013 9:54 pm

We can just post numberz! 0 - 10.

0 = Not only not funny, but actually makes you frown, angry, sad, or just wish you hadnt wasted your time reading it.
1 = Lacking any wit. Completely unfunny.
2 = Haz sum wit, but its still not funny for wutever reazon.
3 = OK. Haz a little smile value. Maybe its too old, or on a kiddy level that duznt work for the gropes likely to be on this forum.
4 = Desent. Worth reading. Single HA!
5 = Got a chuckle. Witty. Maybe you will retell it.
6 = Double HA! Worth remembering.
7 = Good joke!
8 = Actual bona fide LOL!
9 = :lol: :lol: You WILL spred this wun around.
10 = Amongst the funnyest jokes you ever heard. That assclown you wanted to kill? Youre going to tell it to him wen he'z eating.

MM, I giv your joke a 6
Mat, 5
cartii, 3

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Fri Nov 29, 2013 10:40 pm

JO 753 wrote:We can just post numberz! 0 - 10.

0 = Not only not funny, but actually makes you frown, angry, sad, or just wish you hadnt wasted your time reading it.
1 = Lacking any wit. Completely unfunny.
2 = Haz sum wit, but its still not funny for wutever reazon.
3 = OK. Haz a little smile value. Maybe its too old, or on a kiddy level that duznt work for the gropes likely to be on this forum.
4 = Desent. Worth reading. Single HA!
5 = Got a chuckle. Witty. Maybe you will retell it.
6 = Double HA! Worth remembering.
7 = Good joke!
8 = Actual bona fide LOL!
9 = :lol: :lol: You WILL spred this wun around.
10 = Amongst the funnyest jokes you ever heard. That assclown you wanted to kill? Youre going to tell it to him wen he'z eating.

MM, I giv your joke a 6
Mat, 5
cartii, 3
2
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

.......................Doesn't matter how often I'm proved wrong.................... ~ bobbo the pragmatist

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Re: Jokes

Post by Daedalus » Sat Nov 30, 2013 12:32 am

JO 753 wrote:We can just post numberz! 0 - 10.

0 = Not only not funny, but actually makes you frown, angry, sad, or just wish you hadnt wasted your time reading it.
1 = Lacking any wit. Completely unfunny.
2 = Haz sum wit, but its still not funny for wutever reazon.
3 = OK. Haz a little smile value. Maybe its too old, or on a kiddy level that duznt work for the gropes likely to be on this forum.
4 = Desent. Worth reading. Single HA!
5 = Got a chuckle. Witty. Maybe you will retell it.
6 = Double HA! Worth remembering.
7 = Good joke!
8 = Actual bona fide LOL!
9 = :lol: :lol: You WILL spred this wun around.
10 = Amongst the funnyest jokes you ever heard. That assclown you wanted to kill? Youre going to tell it to him wen he'z eating.

MM, I giv your joke a 6
Mat, 5
cartii, 3
...Because nothing adds to the humor value of something like carefully quantifying it. :roll:
"Propaganda is a monologue which seeks not a response, but an echo." (W.H. Auden)
"Given time and plenty of paper, philosophers can prove anything." (Robert Heinlein)
"The map is not the territory." (Alfred Korzybski)
“You’re in the desert, you see a tortoise lying on its back, struggling, and you’re not helping — why is that?" (Bladerunner)

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Sat Nov 30, 2013 5:14 am

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun Dec 01, 2013 8:18 am

What's green and smells like Miss Piggy?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Sun Dec 01, 2013 8:24 am

Kermit's dick.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun Dec 01, 2013 8:26 am

Ohhhh, now I get it!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Sun Dec 01, 2013 8:33 am

Amazing bird, the pelican. Its beak can hold more than its belly can.
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Re: Jokes

Post by octopus1 » Sun Dec 01, 2013 2:17 pm

"Does this make my bum look big?"
"...Only if you put it on."
"On the fence".... Without a cushion....

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Sun Dec 01, 2013 2:29 pm

What do you call an Irish lady with one leg?

Ilene.

What do you call a Japanese lady with one leg?

Irene.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun Dec 01, 2013 6:24 pm

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Sun Dec 01, 2013 7:35 pm

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

Bob
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

.......................Doesn't matter how often I'm proved wrong.................... ~ bobbo the pragmatist

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Re: Jokes

Post by fromthehills » Sun Dec 01, 2013 9:10 pm

What do you call a chicken with no feet?


Plucked.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Sun Dec 01, 2013 10:21 pm

OlegTheBatty wrote:What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
....with no arms and legs lying in a pile of leaves..... Russell

....with no arms and legs with a shovel stuck in his head......Doug

....with no arms and lags stuck down a rabbit hole...........Warren

.....with no arms and legs almost stuck down a rabbit hole.....Justin

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:11 pm

Matthew Ellard wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
....with no arms and legs lying in a pile of leaves..... Russell

....with no arms and legs with a shovel stuck in his head......Doug

....with no arms and lags stuck down a rabbit hole...........Warren

.....with no arms and legs almost stuck down a rabbit hole.....Justin
....with no arms and legs bullfighting ........... Gord

....with no arms and legs lying in the garden .......... Pete
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

.......................Doesn't matter how often I'm proved wrong.................... ~ bobbo the pragmatist

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Re: Jokes

Post by Poodle » Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:19 pm

What do you call a woman balancing three pints of ale on her head whilst juggling five snooker cues?

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Re: Jokes

Post by octopus1 » Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:21 pm

Poodle wrote:What do you call a woman balancing three pints of ale on her head whilst juggling five snooker cues?
...Poodle?

She can juggle something fierce.
"On the fence".... Without a cushion....

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Re: Jokes

Post by Poodle » Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:23 pm

Nah - Beer Tricks Potter.

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Re: Jokes

Post by octopus1 » Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:25 pm

Poodle wrote:Nah - Beer Tricks Potter.
:lol:

You're like the "Richard Whiteley" of not being long dead.

(Great joke ;) The one you made, by the way, not my own intemperate attempts at wit.)
"On the fence".... Without a cushion....

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Re: Jokes

Post by Poodle » Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:28 pm

One of the funniest things ...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G9xHEj3Gk4Q

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Dec 02, 2013 4:41 am

OlegTheBatty wrote:
Matthew Ellard wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
....with no arms and legs lying in a pile of leaves..... Russell

....with no arms and legs with a shovel stuck in his head......Doug

....with no arms and lags stuck down a rabbit hole...........Warren

.....with no arms and legs almost stuck down a rabbit hole.....Justin
....with no arms and legs bullfighting ........... Gord

....with no arms and legs lying in the garden .......... Pete
....with no arms and no legs tossed in a hole ....... Phil
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Mon Dec 02, 2013 4:47 am

Gord wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:
Matthew Ellard wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
....with no arms and legs lying in a pile of leaves..... Russell

....with no arms and legs with a shovel stuck in his head......Doug

....with no arms and lags stuck down a rabbit hole...........Warren

.....with no arms and legs almost stuck down a rabbit hole.....Justin
....with no arms and legs bullfighting ........... Gord

....with no arms and legs lying in the garden .......... Pete
....with no arms and no legs tossed in a hole ....... Phil
....with no arms and no legs in a boiling pot .......Stew
.
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Re: Jokes

Post by fromthehills » Mon Dec 02, 2013 5:29 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
....with no arms and legs lying in a pile of leaves..... Russell

....with no arms and legs with a shovel stuck in his head......Doug

....with no arms and lags stuck down a rabbit hole...........Warren

.....with no arms and legs almost stuck down a rabbit hole.....Justin

....with no arms and no legs greeting you at the door.......Matt.

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Re: Jokes

Post by robinson » Tue Dec 03, 2013 4:42 pm

Gord wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:
Matthew Ellard wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
....with no arms and legs lying in a pile of leaves..... Russell

....with no arms and legs with a shovel stuck in his head......Doug

....with no arms and lags stuck down a rabbit hole...........Warren

.....with no arms and legs almost stuck down a rabbit hole.....Justin
....with no arms and legs bullfighting ........... Gord

....with no arms and legs lying in the garden .......... Pete
....with no arms and no legs tossed in a hole ....... Phil
omg
"If you tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise they will kill you"
-- Oscar Wilde

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Tue Dec 03, 2013 7:29 pm

....with only armz & legz: Darkmeat.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Dec 05, 2013 2:24 am

robinson wrote:
Gord wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:
Matthew Ellard wrote:
OlegTheBatty wrote:What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?
Bob
....with no arms and legs lying in a pile of leaves..... Russell

....with no arms and legs with a shovel stuck in his head......Doug

....with no arms and lags stuck down a rabbit hole...........Warren

.....with no arms and legs almost stuck down a rabbit hole.....Justin
....with no arms and legs bullfighting ........... Gord

....with no arms and legs lying in the garden .......... Pete
....with no arms and no legs tossed in a hole ....... Phil
omg
I don't get it.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Thu Dec 05, 2013 7:16 am

What do you call lady tied to a pier?

Maud.

What do you call another lady tied to a pier?

Bertha.

What do you call a Japanese lady with a mixer on her head?

Brenda.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Thu Dec 05, 2013 9:00 am

6 for the 3rd.

I dont get Maud & Bertha.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Dec 05, 2013 12:48 pm

JO 753 wrote:6 for the 3rd.

I dont get Maud & Bertha.
"Moored" and "Berthed".
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Dec 06, 2013 6:30 am

:( Bad punz. 1

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Jan 03, 2014 11:55 pm

"I've been the best mayor that this city's ever had. My record speaks for itself." -- Toronto mayor Rob Ford, seeking re-election
:lol:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by octopus1 » Mon Jan 06, 2014 4:48 am

Gord wrote:"I've been the best mayor that this city's ever had. My record speaks for itself." -- Toronto mayor Rob Ford, seeking re-election
:lol:
You smoke that much, even the carpet starts to speak...
"On the fence".... Without a cushion....