Jokes

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Wordbird
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Re: Jokes

Post by Wordbird » Tue Mar 26, 2019 2:58 am

TJrandom wrote:
Mon Mar 25, 2019 9:43 am
Sooo the joke is that there is no such thing as a T tax?
Pretty much just a letter/word pun.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Lance Kennedy » Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:06 am

I thought you were referring to the Boston Tea Party.
The tea tax was unacceptable and tossed out. The tea tax was British, and the U tax American.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Wordbird » Tue Mar 26, 2019 2:59 pm

Lance Kennedy wrote:
Tue Mar 26, 2019 3:06 am
I thought you were referring to the Boston Tea Party.
I was.

Apparently I'm not terribly great at telling "it actually happened" stories as jokes but maybe I ought to try again before I give up.

When I was younger I made a lot of money tutoring but I needed at least some stable income so I took a job as a janitor.

I had this push broom they gave me to use which I still firmly believe was older than I was. The wood was rotting, the head barely stayed on, and the bristles it had left were all permanently twisty.

This one girl who worked there despised facial hair. (So did I, and still do. The worst I've ever had is a set of sideburns.) Her boyfriend had recently grown a moustache and she often lamented this fact. One day, she says to me while I'm using the push broom, "Oh God! Look at that big, nasty moustache!"

I laughed and replied, "Very. I expect it has piss and {!#%@} in it too. It's almost as bad as Dave's, isn't it?"

She laughed and I chased her playfully with it.

On the way out that day, we happened to be leaving at the same time and passed the boss.

The girl addressed the boss and bemoaned, "Wordbird has a giant moustache, and it's this big," she stretched out her arms to the size of the push broom head, "and it's filthy and awful!"

I nodded. "It's true; I do." I agreed.

The boss looks at my cleanshaven face blankly.

"And he admits there's piss and {!#%@} in it!" the girl said.

I nodded again. "I'm sure there is."

The boss stared at me. Eventually she said, "Practice some personal hygiene. This is a workplace."

"Alright." I agreed. "I'll shave it off."

And she gives me this look like, "You do that."

So the next day I came in early, ripped the remaining bristles out of the push broom (this was actually more difficult than one would expect) and left the "shaven" "moustache" in the boss's office.

I don't know what the boss's reaction was when she found it in the office, but she was pretty mad when she brought it to me... until she realised that I'd bought a fresh one with my own money.

I like to think she stared at it for a full five minutes, and then it suddenly dawned on her.

I had, after all, requested a new one several times.

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Tue Mar 26, 2019 6:12 pm

I must have a different sense of humor.
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A year

Post by TJrandom » Sat Mar 30, 2019 4:59 pm

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with the expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. And a week ago, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The guy complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

HHHHelloooo.......... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year. Hellooooo? It's been over a year now, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot....

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Sat Mar 30, 2019 6:16 pm

That reminds me of the time I sat on a window. Man, that was a pane in the ass!
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Milk

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 01, 2019 12:07 pm

Did ya know that if you take the word 'MILK', and change just four letters, you can get 'BEER'? Or even wine? :redwine:

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Re: Milk

Post by OlegTheBatty » Mon Apr 01, 2019 8:41 pm

TJrandom wrote:
Mon Apr 01, 2019 12:07 pm
Did ya know that if you take the word 'MILK', and change just four letters, you can get 'BEER'? Or even wine? :redwine:
ZOMG!
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

.......................Doesn't matter how often I'm proved wrong.................... ~ bobbo the pragmatist

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Fri Apr 05, 2019 6:38 pm

An Australian and a Canadian bump into each other in the supermarket. Sorry mate, says the Australian, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere. The Canadian replies; gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the Australian, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the Australian, let's go and look for yours!
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Re: Milk

Post by Wordbird » Sat Apr 06, 2019 5:33 am

TJrandom wrote:
Mon Apr 01, 2019 12:07 pm
:redwine:
I hate not to know this but are these all in a library somewhere?

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Re: Milk

Post by TJrandom » Sat Apr 06, 2019 10:11 am

Wordbird wrote:
Sat Apr 06, 2019 5:33 am
TJrandom wrote:
Mon Apr 01, 2019 12:07 pm
:redwine:
I hate not to know this but are these all in a library somewhere?
In your draft - took to the right for the smilies, and under them the link to 'View more smiles'. There are 6 pages of them, so go wild. ;)

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The Brexit Joke

Post by ElectricMonk » Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:15 pm

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

no, you're a poo!

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Re: The Brexit Joke

Post by landrew » Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:35 pm

ElectricMonk wrote:
Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:15 pm
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

no, you're a poo!
:|
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Re: The Brexit Joke

Post by Gord » Sun Apr 07, 2019 9:04 pm

ElectricMonk wrote:
Sun Apr 07, 2019 4:15 pm
Knock Knock

Who's there?

Europe

Europe who?

no, you're a poo!
I'm a bell.

"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Tue Apr 09, 2019 6:48 pm

Norm Macdonald’s Famous Moth Joke (original version)

So, a moth walks into a podiatrist’s office. The podiatrist asks “What seems to be the problem?” The Moth responds:

“Oh, Doctor Gregory Illonivich, I’ve aged so very much. I wake up in bed every morning-weak and out of breath- and I roll over to see this old lady that I don’t know any more sleeping next to me. I used to have such love for her, my Natasha, but I don’t anymore. My heart is a hollow shell in my chest.

“My daughter, Sonya, was supposed to be married, but her fiance died in the war. Now, she just walks around the house, too young to be the widow that she is. Even worse, my son, Alexei… I don’t love him anymore. Not since he was dishonorably discharged for deserting last Spring.

“I look at him and I think that I see the same cowardice that I hate in myself. A cowardice that I wish I could shake off just a little bit, just enough that I can take that loaded pistol out of my night stand drawer and bite down on the barrel.”

Dr. Gregory Illonivich, horrified by what he’s heard, thinks about it for a second. “Moth,” he says, “You don’t need a podiatrist. You need a psychiatrist!” The Moth nods his head.

“Yes, I know.”

“Well, then why did you come here?”

“Oh, the light was on.”
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Re: Jokes

Post by MikeN » Wed Apr 10, 2019 2:52 am

That's not the original moth joke, as a quick trip to Youtube would show. Your source tried to type from memory.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Lance Kennedy » Wed Apr 10, 2019 5:53 am

A professor of archaeology is digging among ruins and comes across an old lamp. He runs it clean and a genie pops out. The genie offers him one wish; wisdom, money, or happiness.

The professor says :" That is easy. I have spent my life searching for knowledge. I will take the wisdom."

"Done" says the genie and disappears in a puff of smoke.

The smoke clears, and there is the prof, with his head in his hands, thinking. Ten minutes pass and he looks up at a colleague.

Says the prof, " I should have taken the money."

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Cod Christian

Post by TJrandom » Fri Apr 12, 2019 9:05 pm

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
Whilst swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark, "was the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed..."

"...I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian"

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sat Apr 13, 2019 6:29 pm

Being both a moth and a sea captain is hard.
You're in charge of the ship, but up ahead you see a lighthouse. You know you shouldn't... but...
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sat Apr 13, 2019 7:35 pm

MikeN wrote:
Wed Apr 10, 2019 2:52 am
That's not the original moth joke, as a quick trip to Youtube would show. Your source tried to type from memory.
Unlikely. Although my subsequent research has failed to turn up conclusive provenance for the origin of this joke, the obvious Tolstoyan dialog reveals this version to be closer to the original intent of the story. It is likely that most of the other versions have missed this nuance, and they have either simplified the joke, or rewritten it with contemporary dialog. It's the type of thing that may have appeared in a literary review or a humor magazine like the National Lampoon years ago, nearly forgotten, but brought back to prominence by Norm Macdonald, albeit in slightly corrupted form.
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Re: Jokes

Post by MikeN » Sun Apr 14, 2019 5:08 pm

The joke has been told many times. Norm MacDonald's is kinda close to what's posted, but not the same. He said in an interview that Conan asked him to go another 7 minutes, while he was expecting something short, so he may have made this up on the fly.

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sun Apr 14, 2019 6:59 pm

Stories abound about Norm Macdonald's laid-back, easy-going style. I've seen him tell this moth joke several times, but never in a disciplined, polished style, attempting to preserve the dialog which emulates a Tolstoy novel, which I believe was intended to be an important part of the original joke. My theory is that someone either remembered or found the joke from an obscure source, then offered it to Norm Macdonald, who got permission to use it and claim it for himself. Since no one seems to have challenged him for authorship of the joke, let's assume that everything is above-board.
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Re: Jokes

Post by MikeN » Mon Apr 15, 2019 3:41 pm

The moth joke existed for a long time in a simpler form. It was told on Scrubs. Strange one is SuperDave told a version to Norm, unawares. Norm played as if he didn't see it coming. This version had someone who went to a dentist's office saying he think's he's a moth.

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Mon Apr 15, 2019 5:00 pm

MikeN wrote:
Mon Apr 15, 2019 3:41 pm
The moth joke existed for a long time in a simpler form. It was told on Scrubs. Strange one is SuperDave told a version to Norm, unawares. Norm played as if he didn't see it coming. This version had someone who went to a dentist's office saying he think's he's a moth.
My interest in the origin of this joke is being kindled. So far, all I have are a few theories.
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Re: Jokes

Post by justifymyself » Tue Apr 16, 2019 2:51 pm

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.” The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.” On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, “What happened to you?” The man said, “No one showed up.”
“The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.”

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Tue Apr 16, 2019 6:50 pm

I asked my niece to get me a newspaper. She said, "Oh uncle, you're so old. Just use my phone."
So I used her phone to smash the spider crawling on the wall.
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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Tue Apr 16, 2019 8:33 pm

The leopards were finally getting pissed off at the negative stereotype "a leopard can't change it's spots". A group of radical leopards decided to show everyone up by disguising themselves as wildebeests. However, the head lions quickly denounced them as fake gnus.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

.......................Doesn't matter how often I'm proved wrong.................... ~ bobbo the pragmatist

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sun Apr 21, 2019 5:47 pm

Q: How do you tell a good lawyer from a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
And an honest lawyer would have advised you not to pursue an unwinnable case. You can tell because they can't afford to own a car.
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Fri May 10, 2019 11:50 pm

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll beat you all unconscious."

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."
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Re: Jokes

Post by ElectricMonk » Tue May 21, 2019 6:27 pm

What is fluffy and snores in the meadow?



A sleep.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sat Jun 08, 2019 7:09 am

I just saw this posted on a youtube video and thought I'd share:
Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.
In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sat Jun 08, 2019 3:30 pm

Gord wrote:
Sat Jun 08, 2019 7:09 am
I just saw this posted on a youtube video and thought I'd share:
Trump has two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'.
In the left side, there's nothing right.
In the right side, there's nothing left.
8/10
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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Wed Jun 12, 2019 7:52 pm

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

.......................Doesn't matter how often I'm proved wrong.................... ~ bobbo the pragmatist

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Jun 12, 2019 7:58 pm

OlegTheBatty wrote:
Wed Jun 12, 2019 7:52 pm
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...
...and then everyone laughed heartily and bought him a drink.
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sun Jun 16, 2019 7:40 pm

A guy arrives at home after a long night of drinking and on his way in, does "the usual". He wakes up the next morning and dreads meeting the wife and her (well-founded) complaints.

To his surprise, she's all sweet and nice and even serves him a wonderful breakfast in bed, with all his favorite trimmings and even a fresh-cut flower from the garden. And a kiss...

He looks at her suspiciously and asks why she is in such a good mood, since he dimly remembers he'd not only dinged her car in the garage and strewn his clothes around, but also thrown up all over the kitchen.

She looks at him adoringly and says, "Last night, when I approached the bed to check on you, you said "Go away hussy, I'm married!""
.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon Jun 17, 2019 7:15 am

Sooo... he wasn’t that drunk after all.

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Mon Jun 17, 2019 3:53 pm

Note to self: "It doesn't take much."
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Mon Jun 17, 2019 4:06 pm

Something similar to that happened to wifey and moi...years ago. At a bar and an attractive woman came up and hit on me. I said: "Sorry Babe, I'm married." She laughed at me and introduced herself saying she just got hired at my hospital and that we had been in two meetings already. =========>She had dyed and restyled her hair. Fools me every time.

She related this to wifey and they became good friends bringing this story up several times. I never got breakfast in bed for it though.
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Barefoot blonde

Post by TJrandom » Sun Jun 23, 2019 7:03 pm

A blonde was on holiday and driving through Darwin. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,

"Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free".

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try"!

The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile! Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the side of the river bank where he spotted the same young blonde woman standing waist deep in the murky water, a shotgun in her hand. Just then, he spotted a huge 3 metre croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she took aim, killed the creature and hauled it onto the slimy bank of the river.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto it's back - Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out.........

" {!#%@}! {!#%@}! {!#%@}! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO"!

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TJrandom
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Custom Title: Salt of the earth
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.

Nature at its best

Post by TJrandom » Mon Jul 01, 2019 7:33 am

A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bushland in northern NSW. There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, vegetarian, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, National Parks and Wildlife Service, and the Department of Lands before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.

And I'm sorry, they turned you down.