Jokes

Laugh it up...
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landrew
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:55 pm

bobbo_the_Pragmatist wrote:
Wed Feb 13, 2019 9:17 pm
Nope.............killing someone, even in jest, is not funny. Well, the unexpected action is funny.......just not the worlds funniest. yada, yada, yada..................I can't even remember the Aristorats right now.........its just one filthy thing after the other...ok....that is laughing at becoming uncomfortable. Not funny either.

Is this like a caterpillar thinking about how it walks? About the first joke I ever heard, and still makes me chuckle: "What is the sound of a man laughing his head off?" ............................. BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, thud.
End of the Monty Python Cheese Shop sketch:
Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all?

Owner: Yes,sir.

C: Really?

(pause)

O: No. Not really, sir.

C: You haven't.

O: No sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.

C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

O: Right-0, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the shopkeeper)

C: What a senseless waste of human life.
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:58 pm

BBC Goon Show
First aired Feb 22, 1955:

Milligan (theatrical):
Oooh! "The Fireball of Milton Street", or "What's become of that crispy bacon we had before the war, ey?" What's become of it? So brown! So crisp! With that lovely firm layer of white fat. Ooooh! What's become of it, ey? Answer me! What's become of that crisp bacon we had before the war? Don't laugh, answer me! What's become -

FX:
[Pistol shot]

Orchestra:
[Funeral march music]
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:59 pm

I like almost all of Monty Python. Dead Parrot Sketch is more known.........about a tie for funny IMO. I especially like John Cleese hating the Germans.
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 11:29 pm

Much of Monty Python's humor is based on loss of life.
And mental illness.
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parking ticket

Post by TJrandom » Thu Feb 14, 2019 11:13 am

I went to the supermarket today, and I was there for just 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked dick-headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tyres! So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch ‘cause he's so ugly. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windscreen... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

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BS

Post by TJrandom » Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:31 pm

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh manure produced by the stock bull. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate ...... and ate ... and then .... she ate some more! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas ...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution! She realised that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...Dead fly...

The moral of this sad story?
Spoiler:
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of BS.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Thu Feb 14, 2019 3:41 pm

:lol: :lol:
xanks, i nedid xat!
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Re: BS

Post by landrew » Thu Feb 14, 2019 4:41 pm

TJrandom wrote:
Thu Feb 14, 2019 12:31 pm
There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh manure produced by the stock bull. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate ...... and ate ... and then .... she ate some more! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas ...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution! She realised that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...Dead fly...

The moral of this sad story?
Spoiler:
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of BS.
Nice joke, told in the old-fashioned style, long-winded the way farmers do.
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Attention seekers

Post by TJrandom » Thu Feb 14, 2019 9:16 pm

At the end of the tax year, the tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While he was checking the books, he turned to the hospital executive and asked: “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical. “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries from all of the little boys who are destined to become attention seekers?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Fri Feb 15, 2019 12:43 am

Two scientist are talking...
"The sun will burn out and die in 5 billion years" says one.
"Oh my god!" says the other one, "Are you sure??"
"Yes, the sun will die in 5 billion years."
"Oh thank goodness, I thought you said 5 million!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Feb 15, 2019 3:26 am

:lol: TJ
:lol: Landrew

I hav 2 orijinalz along that line.

From my brother Rob:

A sientist at an akselerator lab cretates a new stable transuranic element. He struts around the complex all day boasting about it, fission for compliments.

From me:
2 rooferz in Chicago are sitting on the ej uv a bilding roof they are tarring, eating lunch.

They woc az a huje missle roarz down from the sky.

Rocko, sounding terrified: "Thats a Russion ICBM!"

Donny calmly repliez: "Dont worry! Its going to miss us by a mile!"
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Re: Attention seekers

Post by Gord » Fri Feb 15, 2019 11:19 am

TJrandom wrote:
Thu Feb 14, 2019 9:16 pm
..."Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
That reminds me of a joke I heard today on youtube:

Man1: I used to be one-eighth Jewish.
Man2: You used to be?
Man1: Yeah, but then I was circumcised and left the rabbi a huge tip.
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Leprechaun

Post by TJrandom » Sat Feb 16, 2019 7:37 pm

A golfer in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Searching for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, with a bump on his head and the golf ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer fetched his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer said.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddye want?’

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answered with relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I truly apologize.' And the golfer walked off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun said to himself. 'I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want. A great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year went by and the golfer was back. On the same hole, he again hit a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun was there waiting for him. 'Twas me that ye hit with the ball last year, and made ye hook it just now,' the little guy said. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answered. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He added, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, ye know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer added. 'When I need cash, I just reach into my pocket and pull out €100 notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushed, turned his head away in embarrassment, and said shyly, 'It's OK.'

'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looked around then whispered, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.’

'What??' responded the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' said the golfer,
Spoiler:
'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

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Proctologist

Post by TJrandom » Sat Feb 23, 2019 1:11 pm

A proctologist in Jamaica is called...
Spoiler:
Pokémon

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Feb 23, 2019 3:19 pm

Cos he takes a
Spoiler:
Pikachu?
:-P
.
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Re: Jokes

Post by ElectricMonk » Sat Feb 23, 2019 4:50 pm

What do you call a fake noodle?
Spoiler:
an impasta

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Mon Mar 04, 2019 12:48 am

Lawyer: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

Witness: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.


Not exactly a joke...
Spoiler:
.
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Thief

Post by TJrandom » Fri Mar 08, 2019 8:17 pm

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and all of their money.

The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her, or just go ahead and kill me.’

Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’

Man: 'No, not particularly, but she will be home shortly and I will be dead anyway.'

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Polish sausage

Post by TJrandom » Fri Mar 08, 2019 8:26 pm

A guy went into a store and told the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looked at him and asked, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, said, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?" Raising his voice, he continued, "Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk replied, "Well, no."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy asked, "Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish when I asked for Polish sausage?"

The clerk quietly replied,
Spoiler:
"Um, because this is a DIY home center."

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Mar 08, 2019 10:24 pm

I think you posted that wun before.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Sat Mar 09, 2019 12:22 pm

JO 753 wrote:
Fri Mar 08, 2019 10:24 pm
I think you posted that wun before.
Really? Before posting this time I did a search for Polish and sausage - and didn't find a prior post. I always search in advance, since my joke feed does sometimes relapse.

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sat Mar 09, 2019 5:44 pm

TJrandom wrote:
Sat Mar 09, 2019 12:22 pm
JO 753 wrote:
Fri Mar 08, 2019 10:24 pm
I think you posted that wun before.
Really? Before posting this time I did a search for Polish and sausage - and didn't find a prior post. I always search in advance, since my joke feed does sometimes relapse.
Definitely an ethnic slur.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Sat Mar 09, 2019 8:22 pm

Maybe sumbudy else posted it?
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sat Mar 09, 2019 9:18 pm

The joke you never get to do:
(To the tune of Eric Clapton's "Cocaine...")

It's all right,
it's all right,
it's all right... propane!

Because before you get to the third line, someone always cuts in singing the original words.
Try it if you don't believe me.
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sun Mar 10, 2019 10:22 pm

"I feel so insignificant," said the ant to the psychologist, "I'm just one of 1.3 million ants in my colony."

"That's because you are insignificant," said the psychologist.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon Mar 11, 2019 12:13 am

An insignific ant.

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Death bed

Post by TJrandom » Wed Mar 13, 2019 3:30 am

An old man who was on his death bed with labored breathing and squint of eye, asked: Is my wife here?

Yes, my love, I am here.

Are my children here?

Yes, father, we are all here.

Are my grandchildren here?

Yes, grandfather - every one of us is here.

Then why is the kitchen light on?

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:22 pm

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:47 am

landrew wrote:
Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:22 pm
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door--
Okay, hang on, stop right there! I'm incredibly offended by this mischaracterisation of the police! The florist deals in flowers, so yes, it makes sense that a florist would leave flowers as a thank you. But police officers do not deal in doughnuts! They deal in law enforcement!

It should have been a dozen speeding tickets, not a dozen doughnuts.
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Apple juice

Post by TJrandom » Tue Mar 19, 2019 8:07 am

Had you noticed that every plastic bottle that is discarded along roadsides, no matter the original content, now contains apple juice?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Tue Mar 19, 2019 8:28 am

I've noticed one particular apple juice bottle on the side of the highway that's been there for nearly a year.

It gives me comfort every time I drive passed. "Ah, yup. There it is. Same place as always."

It's become a landmark.

Buses of Chinese tourists stop traffic to get out and take photos of it.
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Tue Mar 19, 2019 2:16 pm

Gord wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:47 am
It should have been a dozen speeding tickets, not a dozen doughnuts.
Where would such anger come from?
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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Tue Mar 19, 2019 2:38 pm

Gord wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:47 am
that a florist would leave flowers as a thank you. But police officers do not deal in doughnuts! They deal in law enforcement!

It should have been a dozen torn up speeding tickets, not a dozen doughnuts.
:mrgreen:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Lance Kennedy » Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:19 pm

I looked it up. One iced doughnut contains as many calories as three quarters of a bottle of good red wine. Why would anyone eat a doughnut ?

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:50 pm

Lance Kennedy wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:19 pm
I looked it up. One iced doughnut contains as many calories as three quarters of a bottle of good red wine. Why would anyone eat a doughnut ?
I was a bit peckish, so I ate a donut. I was a bit thirsty, so I drank 3/4 of a bottle of good red wine.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Austin Harper » Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:51 pm

Also as many calories as 3/4 of a bottle of bad red wine.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Mar 20, 2019 5:25 pm

landrew wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 2:16 pm
Gord wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:47 am
It should have been a dozen speeding tickets, not a dozen doughnuts.
Where would such anger come from?
It's a prerequisite to being a police officer, I believe.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Mar 20, 2019 5:48 pm

Gord wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 5:25 pm
landrew wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 2:16 pm
Gord wrote:
Tue Mar 19, 2019 7:47 am
It should have been a dozen speeding tickets, not a dozen doughnuts.
Where would such anger come from?
It's a prerequisite to being a police officer, I believe.
I never thought you were so cynical.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Wordbird » Mon Mar 25, 2019 3:32 am

This is more a story than a joke, but it's a good one.

A little background: I could read from the time I was two, maybe even earlier. This is relevant because I learned to spell just sort of naturally as I read, and because it was very early, the imprinting was especially strong.

The books tossed into my crib happened to be a lot of Roald Dahl, Chronicles of Narnia, and Alice in Wonderland.

Catch anything? Yep. All British. So I imprinted super early on British spellings.

One of the first classes I took in college was a philosophy class. Plain old basic philosophy, but I'd just turned fifteen and I'd never written a paper before, so I was terrified of doing anything wrong.

My first paper got handed back with a bunch of red marks. "Oh, it's a great paper," the professor said, "amazing stuff, but I can't be bothered to look up your weird special spellings. American English next time, 'kay? Or I mark it off."

So he handed me an A+ with nothing marked off for spelling and I very gratefully swore up and down I'd henceforth spell the American way.

I was always early for class, and when the next paper had rolled around, I happened to come in and see that second paper I'd turned in atop the professor's desk.

I saw realise and armour circled. In red!

GASP! I nearly choked on my own spit! I'd completely forgotten about the admonition!

Well, I couldn't turn back now. I knew he was going to call me up and mark me off and I knew I the excuse, "I just forgot" would sink like a stone. He'd never believe it. I had to think of something better, and I did have the perfect thing, just not the fortitude to say it.

So I imagined an army of Redcoats outside the door. Then I had to reinforce it with Daleks because I imagined him firing zeros out of a cannon at the defenceless Redcoats, who were dropping like flies.

It was at about that point that he called me up to his desk, still fifteen minutes before class would start, and I got the idea in my head that I had better do it, because only if it worked would I have any chance at all of not losing any points. I imagined I'd get a zero for my audacity and die on the spot, but that perhaps I'd die and go to Narnia and Aslan would congratulate me on a battle well fought, even if it was over something silly.

"You're still using all those extra U's." the professor reminded me.

"Yes." I agreed. I was probably shaking a little. "And you're going to take points off."

"Mm-hmm." the professor said.

About this time, all my imaginary Daleks had fallen and I was all that remained.

It was all or nothing.

So I said it.

"I'll pay my U tax when you pay your T tax!"

The professor burst out laughing and didn't take another point off for the rest of the semester.

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TJrandom
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon Mar 25, 2019 9:43 am

Sooo the joke is that there is no such thing as a T tax?