Jokes

Laugh it up...
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TJrandom
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Customer Service

Post by TJrandom » Thu Dec 20, 2018 9:41 am

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store in town. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed.

Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund.

The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO."

I asked to talk to a manager as I was seriously unhappy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." No refund. No FREE replacement.

Grrrrrrrrr... I'll tell you what... I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Dec 20, 2018 11:38 pm

Hmmm, I'm pretty sure it worked exactly as it was supposed to work.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Dec 21, 2018 1:54 am

Being poor, I am required by law to get a lottery tikit occasionally and thats wun uv the many jokes I'v told to the cashierz.

Sum more:

I'm here to pay my poverty tax.

Its a loozr! Look at theze numberz!

I'm feeling really lucky kuz last time there were 2 dijits that matched the winner.

So far, the only way I coud be further off iz if there were Chineze letterz insted uv numberz.

I want to file a warrantee claim kuz there are spelling mistakes on the tikits. (there really were! HAL XU NQaLF ReVULQsUN!)
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Only at Xmas

Post by TJrandom » Fri Dec 21, 2018 9:53 pm

Things you can only say at Christmas time...

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread!
6. I fancy a little dark meat for a change. (Or vice versa.)
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect you to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
19. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
20. Wow! I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.

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Plumpie

Post by TJrandom » Wed Dec 26, 2018 12:43 am

Doctor: It looks like you are pregnant.

Girl: I'm pregnant?

Doctor: No, but it looks like you are.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Austin Harper » Wed Dec 26, 2018 4:02 pm

I'm pregnant?
Dum ratio nos ducet, valebimus et multa bene geremus.

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Thu Dec 27, 2018 10:35 pm

There was this guy who went around all the craft shops, dunking his scrotum into the glitter. Pretty nuts, eh.
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Christian values on display

Post by TJrandom » Wed Jan 02, 2019 4:42 am

The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman behind him was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, giving the guy in front of you the finger and cursing at him.

I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' licence plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally ......

I assumed you had stolen the car.''

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Fri Jan 04, 2019 6:28 pm

Not the usual format, but here, have an hour+ of lols...

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Jan 04, 2019 7:51 pm

The "Scenes" part of Mock the Week is literally the only part of the show I do not enjoy. I've sat through quite a few of them, but now I get up and walk out when they're on.

Not sure what it is about that sort of comedy that I don't like. It makes me feel awkward inside for some reason, like watching someone making a fool of himself, empathising with him, and hoping he'll stop.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Fri Jan 04, 2019 7:57 pm

I had the best abdominal workout I've had since last time I had sex. It's gonna hurt tomorrow.
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wrong bus

Post by TJrandom » Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:12 pm

A drunken man got on the bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and sat next to an elderly woman. She looked the man up and down and said, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumped up out of his seat and shouted, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"

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Re: wrong bus

Post by landrew » Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:24 pm

TJrandom wrote:
Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:12 pm
A drunken man got on the bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and sat next to an elderly woman. She looked the man up and down and said, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumped up out of his seat and shouted, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Is it me, or was that one a dud?
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Re: wrong bus

Post by OlegTheBatty » Mon Jan 28, 2019 9:46 pm

landrew wrote:
Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:24 pm
TJrandom wrote:
Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:12 pm
A drunken man got on the bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and sat next to an elderly woman. She looked the man up and down and said, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumped up out of his seat and shouted, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Is it me, or was that one a dud?
Not mutually exclusive.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Re: wrong bus

Post by TJrandom » Mon Jan 28, 2019 11:54 pm

landrew wrote:
Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:24 pm
TJrandom wrote:
Mon Jan 28, 2019 7:12 pm
A drunken man got on the bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and sat next to an elderly woman. She looked the man up and down and said, I've got news for you. "You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumped up out of his seat and shouted, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Is it me, or was that one a dud?
It was you? Sorry I didn't know. :oops:

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Hell

Post by TJrandom » Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:12 am

Years ago, my mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she had ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it. She said that she took it to the pier and threw it into the sea.

I went and bought another copy, ran it under the tap and put it in her bedside drawer.

I’m going to Hell I know, but at least I’ll go laughing!!

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Technology

Post by TJrandom » Tue Jan 29, 2019 11:19 pm

Having travelled to the big city for the very first time, a fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a plump old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed.

The boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

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Kinky...

Post by TJrandom » Sun Feb 10, 2019 10:00 am

Psst... Do you know how to make your spouse / partner go Mmmmmmmm MMMMmmmmmmmmm MMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm MMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMMMMMM all night long?

The secret is....
Spoiler:
Duct Tape

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sun Feb 10, 2019 5:45 pm

Celebrities have lost their careers for less.
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Mon Feb 11, 2019 4:29 pm

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having”? he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the damn legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
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Christmas Tradition

Post by TJrandom » Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:42 pm

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...

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House party

Post by TJrandom » Wed Feb 13, 2019 12:49 pm

A billionaire was having a party at his house, and in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it. He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have a hundred million, his house, or his wife.

Everyone got back to talking, but all of a sudden a guy was in the pool swimming as fast as he could and when he reached the other side he jumped out.

The billionaire goes. "Holy {!#%@}, I didn't think anyone was going to do it, but anyway, you want the money right?" and the guy says "no".

So the billionaire says, "oh, you want my house?" and the guys says "no" and so the billionaire says," what, you want my wife, then?"

But the guys says "hell no".

So the billionaire says "well what the hell do you want?"

The guys still trying to catch his breath says, "I want the bastard who pushed me in the pool.”

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 5:23 pm

landrew wrote:
Mon Feb 11, 2019 4:29 pm
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
“Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having”? he asked.
“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”
“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the damn legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
This is how it came to me via email.
Here's how I'd rewrite this joke:
A guy was having anxiety and trouble sleeping because he had an irrational fear that someone was hiding under his bed. So he consulted a psychiatrist who assured him that he thought he could help him with 3 visits a week, at $80 per visit for about 6 months. "That's over $12,000" he thought to himself.

A few months later he met the psychiatrist on the street, who asked him, "Why didn't you come to see me?" He replied, "I didn't need to. I spent $10 on a saw and I cut the legs off the bed. Now I sleep like a baby, knowing that I saved over $12K, and nobody could possibly be hiding under the bed."
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:32 pm

OK, but which words form your punch line? Jokes also benefit from wordyness and a slow paint of the picture - the wait that eventually leads to the punch line. Then there is the color of the words used - suggesting social standing, regional affiliation, nationality, etc. :oldman:

Not that jokes cannot be improved. I frequently modify them too, frequently for clarity, sometimes for PC, sometimes to remove racism, etc.

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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:44 pm

Yeah.........first version of the joke is superior. Right from the start. "When I was a child" grabs any listener as everyone relates to being a child. Not so with the more sterile "A guy.........." and women have to wait for whatever payoff they get. Ha, ha........always the wait.
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:45 pm

TJrandom wrote:
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:32 pm
OK, but which words form your punch line? Jokes also benefit from wordyness and a slow paint of the picture - the wait that eventually leads to the punch line. Then there is the color of the words used - suggesting social standing, regional affiliation, nationality, etc. :oldman:

Not that jokes cannot be improved. I frequently modify them too, frequently for clarity, sometimes for PC, sometimes to remove racism, etc.
I'm not under 30, but jokes have moved on from the old format of telling a story and building up to a punchline. Most humor nowadays is just a line or two, encapsulating the whole joke in as few words as possible. If I want to hear long stories, I'd head down to the pool hall or the coffee shop to listen to the old timers.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:15 pm

landrew wrote:
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:45 pm
TJrandom wrote:
Wed Feb 13, 2019 7:32 pm
OK, but which words form your punch line? Jokes also benefit from wordyness and a slow paint of the picture - the wait that eventually leads to the punch line. Then there is the color of the words used - suggesting social standing, regional affiliation, nationality, etc. :oldman:

Not that jokes cannot be improved. I frequently modify them too, frequently for clarity, sometimes for PC, sometimes to remove racism, etc.
I'm not under 30, but jokes have moved on from the old format of telling a story and building up to a punchline. Most humor nowadays is just a line or two, encapsulating the whole joke in as few words as possible. If I want to hear long stories, I'd head down to the pool hall or the coffee shop to listen to the old timers.
I don't think it is a generational divide and agree that brevity can add to some jokes, but one shouldn't need to read, and re-read to find the humour.

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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:18 pm

Jokes aren't one thing. Conflation is a sin.
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:26 pm

"Brevity is the soul of wit." -William Shakespeare
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:41 pm

Jokes aren't one thing. //// Will agrees.
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:45 pm

Actually: "Jokes" do require a set-up/context to make any punchline work. You may be confusing quip/rejoinder/"jokingly with the subject of a joke. The so called "funniest jokes in the world" are all rather longish. I think I saw a discussion (or joke?) about what was the shortest joke in the world? Forget what it was. Jokes can be shorter if the audience is already "clued in." ie: many short jokes were "set up" a few jokes earlier.

Jokes can also be more than just funny.

blah, blah.
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 8:46 pm

Should have said: "yada, yada, yada: The Aristocrats!" short joke. Makes no sense without knowing the History. A too long set up.
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 9:05 pm

This is how I tell the funniest joke in the world (according to some):
Two pals were hunting and one gets shot by accident. The other one calls 911 and says, "My friend shot himself by accident and he may be dead." The operator, in a reassuring tone says, "Please remain calm. The first thing is to make certain if he's dead or not." The caller sets down the phone, and a minute or so later, a gunshot is heard. He comes back on the phone and says, "OK, now he's dead, what do I do next?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 9:17 pm

Nope.............killing someone, even in jest, is not funny. Well, the unexpected action is funny.......just not the worlds funniest. yada, yada, yada..................I can't even remember the Aristorats right now.........its just one filthy thing after the other...ok....that is laughing at becoming uncomfortable. Not funny either.

Is this like a caterpillar thinking about how it walks? About the first joke I ever heard, and still makes me chuckle: "What is the sound of a man laughing his head off?" ............................. BHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA, thud.
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:03 pm

Read it yourself. Looks like a consensus to me:
https://www.laughteronlineuniversity.co ... the-world/
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:09 pm

eXcellent. A source/link. EXCELLENT because what it reveals is that "worlds funniest" might be true in some statistical way although no details are given to back that up. What struck me was that jokes are culturally sensitive..........and the first line was even that the reviewer didn't find the joke funny. What does a consensus mean when the most relevant point is personal?
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:15 pm

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven. -Mark Twain
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:37 pm

Always attracted to the one simple answer, denying all nuance.
Real Name: bobbo the contrarian existential pragmatic evangelical anti-theist and Class Warrior.
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landrew
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:42 pm

There's always a stick in the mud who frowns when everyone else is laughing at a joke.
The job of a skeptic is to investigate the unexplained; not to explain the uninvestigated.

bobbo_the_Pragmatist
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Re: Jokes

Post by bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Wed Feb 13, 2019 10:47 pm

Twain made an aphorism..........not a joke. And, who's frowning???
Real Name: bobbo the contrarian existential pragmatic evangelical anti-theist and Class Warrior.
Asking: What is the most good for the most people?
Sample Issue: Should the Feds provide all babies with free diapers?