Jokes

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TJrandom
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Toothbrush

Post by TJrandom » Fri Oct 12, 2018 7:46 pm

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good", said the teacher.

Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!"

I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the proven Donald Trump method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his little heart.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sat Oct 13, 2018 1:13 am

Kid did it wrong.

1. First, he should have called it Rump Steaks, not "Dip & Chip".

2. Second, he should have denied it was dog poop.

3. Third, he should have charged for it, not given it away for free.

4. Fourth, anyone who wanted a toothbrush afterwards should have had to pay a "small fee for an upgrade". If they'd paid by credit card, the upgrade could have been done automatically without them even knowing about it.

5. If anyone ever discovered it actually was dog poop, he should have had a fall guy to take the blame for it.
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"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
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Woman drivers

Post by TJrandom » Tue Oct 16, 2018 8:11 pm

This morning on the M2, I looked over to my left and there was a WOMAN in a brand new Holden doing 100 kph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver , which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Tue Oct 16, 2018 11:09 pm

And now, the joke?
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Tue Oct 16, 2018 11:24 pm

Gawdzilla Sama wrote:
Tue Oct 16, 2018 11:09 pm
And now, the joke?
Yes, it could be a true story, the way I used to drive.
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Voting

Post by TJrandom » Thu Oct 18, 2018 7:43 pm

Voting in the US is just like driving – To go backwards, choose “R”, to go forward, choose “D”.

and....

I have been told that I am too hostile towards Trump supporters. So if any of my posts have offended you, I apologize – I honestly didn`t think you could read.

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Thu Oct 18, 2018 9:35 pm

How do you tell if someone's a vegan?

Just wait, they'll tell you.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Thu Oct 18, 2018 10:03 pm

As an atheist, I don't appreciate that joke.
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Re: Voting

Post by Gord » Fri Oct 19, 2018 6:55 am

TJrandom wrote:
Thu Oct 18, 2018 7:43 pm
...I honestly didn`t think you could read.
You did the wrong apostrophe again. :P
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri Oct 19, 2018 7:57 am

:hmm: If he does it a second time, he`s in trouble.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:17 am

:oops: Wet noodle time...

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Oct 19, 2018 12:49 pm

Ask your doctor if viagra is right for you
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Oct 19, 2018 8:59 pm

scrmbldggs wrote:
Fri Oct 19, 2018 7:57 am
:hmm: If he does it a second time, he`s in trouble`.
I see what you mean!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:03 pm

Gord wrote:
Fri Oct 19, 2018 8:59 pm
scrmbldggs wrote:
Fri Oct 19, 2018 7:57 am
:hmm: If he does it a second time, he`s in trouble`.
I see what you mean!
So it`s not just me? This just started happening, so what changed? (Oh, it's... ;) )

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:40 pm

"What changed?" Updates and stuff: viewtopic.php?f=23&t=25512&start=480#p666295
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sun Oct 21, 2018 11:36 am

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, we don't get any weasels around here. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.
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'Big People' words

Post by TJrandom » Mon Oct 22, 2018 7:10 am

A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?"

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done.

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the {!#%@}."

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Canon

Post by TJrandom » Tue Oct 23, 2018 9:46 am

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now, the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh... equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed Oct 24, 2018 12:06 am

:lol: :lol: :lol:
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New electric train

Post by TJrandom » Wed Oct 24, 2018 12:32 pm

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, “All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, ‘cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, ‘cause we’re going down the tracks.”

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.”

She heard the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”

As the mother began to smile, the child added, “For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.”

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Oct 24, 2018 3:12 pm

That joke left me a little sad for some reason.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Wed Oct 24, 2018 8:15 pm

landrew wrote:
Wed Oct 24, 2018 3:12 pm
That joke left me a little sad for some reason.
Reminded you of when you were made to sit in the corner? ;)

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Oct 24, 2018 11:12 pm

Or when you last had a bitch in the kitchen? :nownow:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Thu Oct 25, 2018 3:02 pm

Gord wrote:
Wed Oct 24, 2018 11:12 pm
Or when you last had a bitch in the kitchen? :nownow:
Actually I thought it was a little harsh on the mother to tell the truth.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Thu Oct 25, 2018 11:27 pm

landrew wrote:
Thu Oct 25, 2018 3:02 pm
Gord wrote:
Wed Oct 24, 2018 11:12 pm
Or when you last had a bitch in the kitchen? :nownow:
Actually I thought it was a little harsh on the mother to tell the truth.
Yes... a meany or ogre or ... ?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Oct 26, 2018 5:12 am

When people say "bitch" I don't think "mother", I think Austin Powers and "I'm a sexy bitch".
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Fri Oct 26, 2018 3:43 pm

TJrandom wrote:
Thu Oct 25, 2018 11:27 pm
landrew wrote:
Thu Oct 25, 2018 3:02 pm
Gord wrote:
Wed Oct 24, 2018 11:12 pm
Or when you last had a bitch in the kitchen? :nownow:
Actually I thought it was a little harsh on the mother to tell the truth.
Yes... a meany or ogre or ... ?
Humor is a nuancy thing. Ask Gord the expert why its not funny to everyone.
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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Wed Oct 31, 2018 7:24 pm

Some guy came around my place and asked for a small donation to help build the new swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tom Palven » Wed Oct 31, 2018 11:19 pm

OlegTheBatty wrote:
Wed Oct 31, 2018 7:24 pm
Some guy came around my place and asked for a small donation to help build the new swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Sounds like something Geroge Burns could have said.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tom Palven » Wed Oct 31, 2018 11:26 pm

If one can be taught to believe absurdities, one can commit atrocities. --Voltaire
I may not agree with the what you say, but I will defend your right to say it. --Voltaire
Mankind will not be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest. --Denis Diderot
I haven't abandoned my vices. My vices have abandoned me. --Denis Diderot

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Wed Oct 31, 2018 11:36 pm

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Tom Palven » Thu Nov 01, 2018 1:50 am

landrew wrote:
Wed Oct 31, 2018 11:36 pm
I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills." He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Definitely Rodney Dangerfield. :D
If one can be taught to believe absurdities, one can commit atrocities. --Voltaire
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Thu Nov 01, 2018 8:25 pm

I wasn't saying anything about your cooking. I merely said we own the only dog in the whole city that doesn't beg for table scraps.
.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Thu Nov 01, 2018 10:00 pm

A man asks his wife what she wants for their anniversary
She says, "I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
He said, "Try the kitchen."

I love Henny Youngman!
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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Sat Nov 03, 2018 2:34 am

“Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”
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Re: Jokes

Post by Cadmusteeth » Sat Nov 10, 2018 8:48 pm

What they say: "You won't know you dislike it or not if you don't try it."

What they mean: "Try this, I already know it's good."

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Dictionary

Post by TJrandom » Tue Dec 18, 2018 8:47 pm

ADULT A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF Cold Storage.
INFLATION Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES Something other people have, Similar to my character lines.

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Tue Dec 18, 2018 9:32 pm

:lol:

However, I'd like to add a little caviar caveat to that: CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. :-P
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Opinion

Post by TJrandom » Wed Dec 19, 2018 1:11 pm

Science lesson for today:

Scientifically, a raven has 10 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing, and when in flight they are separate and distinct, and pointed. These are the flight feathers (Pennae volatus) which are the long, stiff, asymmetrically shaped, connected to the phalanges — also known as pinions, or pinion feathers.

A crow also has the same 10, but when in flight they are closer together, and rounded.

So, the difference between a crow and a raven is a matter of a pinion, and whether to the point or just well rounded.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Dec 20, 2018 5:28 am

scrmbldggs wrote:
Tue Dec 18, 2018 9:32 pm
:lol:

However, I'd like to add a little caviar caveat to that: CHICKENS The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. :-P
I was going to say that, as well as to point out that eggs are not chickens any more than seeds are trees or caterpillars are butterflies.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?