Jokes

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scrmbldggs
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 16, 2014 6:12 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote: When you hit the 13000 mark, your rank will change to "True idiot". :-P
I'm looking forward to it. There is a special ceremony where I get to wear a "dunce hat" and visit all the Skeptic Society offices.

"This is Matthew from Australia. He posts on the forum"

"Ohhhh Ahhhh"
"Gosh he can almost string a sentence together"
"Do his knuckles scrape the ground when he walks?"
"Has Darwin explained him yet?"
"My god! He's almost human"
"I thought the forum was an experiment to attract lunatics not idiots"
Now I can't tell if you are joking. Please tell me you are. Pleeeezzeee! :bun:
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scrmbldggs
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 16, 2014 6:18 am

See, I put a cherry tomato on top :bun:<---, since Matt is a vegetable and not a fruit.

Ummm.... I mean a vegetarian, not a fruitcake. :nuts: uhhh... fruitarian.



Wait... a tomato is a fruit...
I give up... :cry2:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun Aug 17, 2014 5:50 am

I have to remind myself three times a day that I'm an idiot, otherwise I'll forget. It usually comes up when I'm talking to someone, and I suddenly remember, "oh yeah, I'm an idiot!" On occasion, though, it happens while I'm making soup.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sun Aug 17, 2014 6:17 am

Image
Spoiler:
Image
.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun Aug 17, 2014 6:34 am

I had to stop eating Alpha-Bits cereal as a child because it kept threatening to kill me.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sun Aug 17, 2014 6:49 am

One more and you're at 17971. What does that spell?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun Aug 17, 2014 9:59 am

"fluoride"?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Alexander941 » Sun Aug 24, 2014 6:25 pm

@Matthew Ellard

Schwarzenegger
Yes that may refer to a place name, Schwarz is black and Egge is a Harrow, or it may be derived from "Ecke" --> Corner --> "Someone from the Black Corner".

But if you look at it in a different way --> Schwarze(r) Ne(g)ger it says "Black Negro" ;-)

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sun Aug 24, 2014 9:03 pm

My friend, Joe Lilywhitebreadcracker, says names don't mean {!#%@}.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Alexander941 » Mon Aug 25, 2014 3:30 pm

I once read a racist joke which was quiet funny, I hope Iam not getting banned for it ;-)

A black Dude is eating out a whit girl which didnt wash beforehand, so he says:
"Damn I dindt plan on eating Cracker with cheese."

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon Aug 25, 2014 4:00 pm

If it wuz funny, no.

But that wuz so bad that they will not only ban you frum here, but ban you frum the entire internet. You and your whole family. Your RL frendz will be interoggated to determine wether they get banned or just put on a watch list for 10 yirz.

The good thing about a bad joke iz that the next wun can be only OK but will seem funnyer by comparison.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Monster » Mon Aug 25, 2014 5:31 pm

My blonde Ukrainian coworker put this on her facebook page. This is the google translation from Russian to English. I added some newlines to break up the text. Any incomprehensible text is either a mistake in the original text that made it untranslatable, or google translate couldn't translate it. Some jokes didn't translate well. Some that are poorly translated can be understood perfectly well.
Series "About Blondes"

Blonde says: - In two tests on one strip, so if you put them side by side, there will be two! Is this pregnancy? Brunette girlfriend: - And if put next three tests on one strip, then you, Lucy, the rank of sergeant ... Blonde long sought, but did not find her boyfriend after his text messages: "I'm in the monkey. Urgent fetch money! "In an accident blond received injuries incompatible with her life: an open fracture of both heels. I went to the park and do not believe your eyes - blond pours oil in the engine! Come closer - no, it's okay. Fills in the washer reservoir. In the school. Teacher: - Today we have the control. Blonde: - Is it possible to use a calculator? - You can. Another blonde: - A spreadsheet Bradis? - You can. So, make a note of the reference topic: "The abolition of serfdom." When buying cream for breast enlargement - cream for the brain as a gift!

Did you know that the pilots of Formula 1 experience approximately the same overload as a blonde while reading? Blonde girlfriend asks: - Why do you wear glasses in the winter sun? - You do not understand! This points not from the sun, this sunglasses from Prada! Answering machine: - Hello! Center for the blondes. If you want to work with us - nod his head after the signal. Dyed blonde at Easter beat their foreheads. The expression "It's not what you think," addressed the blonde, can refer to any situation. Blonde put on the desktop picture of her boyfriend, and after half an hour had quarreled with the monitor.

Policeman - blonde: - Why do not you stop? - I was scared, the rod was too long. - This is not a wand, it is a barrier. - Prefer Blondes dyed and not natural. - Why is it so? - Yes, a full go and still make out that she had in mind. A painted - a declaration of intent. Blonde wearing sunglasses on hair, because if you put them on the nose, it becomes dark and scary. Dialogue between the two blondes. - Yesterday pregnancy test passed. - Yes? And, the questions were difficult? Do blonde twins were born, she sits on the bed and crying. Nurse comes and asks: - Why are you crying? - What do I tell my husband ?! From whom the second child ?! Two blondes: - Can you imagine the hot water shut off for a month, what to do? - Fool you, fool! I've bath and two basin itself won! Two blondes talk: - What would you like in your life? - I'd like to meet a fairy and that she gave me a hundred thousand dollars. - Why not a million? - Well, a million - it's unreal. Blonde in the office of the diagnostic: - Oh, I have you here yesterday was ... how did it ... it ... USE! Or EGEGE? - EEG electroencephalography ... study the brain. - Ah, well, that's ... you gave me yesterday the result, and that I bumazhechki twisted into a tube, and then in the salon hair done, and then a manicure sat, then sunbathing in the solarium, and then ... well, somewhere lost something ... And I now to nervous. - I see ... Doctor gets copybooks in the ticker, pulls double leaf from the middle, put the bottom of yesterday's date, signature: - Take ... Here is the same as yesterday ... I've heard that smart women do not make good wives. - Why not? - Yes, because they do not marry ... Doctor - blonde: - Do not breathe. - And you that farted? The judge asked the defendant-blonde: - Why did you poisoned neighbors? - What was I supposed to do? The store said that poison cockroaches better together with your neighbors. - What blonde waiting at the outlet? - E-mail. But as a child blonde same clever as other children. - Imagine, Mash - I went on the highway and rolled over. Lies now my machine on the roof, its wheels in different directions has placed ... And I walk around and think, what did she want? - Why did you decide that it should be something ?! - Because when I need to something - I do ...

- Honey, I launched the film, and it is in English. I press Ctrl + Shift - and he's still in English ... Letter from the mother of his daughter-blonde-blonde: "Hello, darling daughter: If you receive this letter, it means that it is up to you to come to that. If not, then let me know and I'll write you escheraz. I'm writing slowly because I know you do not read very fast. we have good weather. last week the rain came only twice: in the beginning of the week, 3 days, and toward the end, during 4 days. Incidentally, naschetpaltishka that you like, Uncle Bob said that if peresylatego with these alloy buttons, then it will be too expensive by weight, so I cut them off. sew them back, I put them in the right pocket. Your dad found new job. Beneath 500 people, he mows nakladbische. Your sister Anastasia recently married, and is waiting for the baby. Myne know what sex it is, so long that I can not tell you, you budeshli uncle or aunt. If it's a girl, then she wants to call it, kakmenya. bit strange decision to give his daughter's mom. bratomToley With your recent incident happened: he closed his car, and the keys ostavilvnutri. He had to return home on foot (10 kilometers!) Chtobyvzyat second set of keys and let us out of the car. If you vdrugvstretish his cousin Lily, then tell her I said hello. If you eene meet, nothing she did not say anything. Your mom. R.S .: I wanted to send you some money, but it sealed the envelope "

- Why You drove a red light? - You laugh ?! I have red lipstick, red handbag, red boots, red dress, red car. Well I can in all of this to go to the green ?! One blonde tells another: - You know, they say that your husband flew to Holland together with his secretary! - all this - gossip. I made ​​inquiries: husband flew to Holland, and secretary - in the Netherlands ! - tell me honestly - yes or no, right? - Ask ... - Why do men laugh at blondes ?! - Yes ... If eyes blonde shine it says only that the cockroaches in her head had a party. every man's life should be something light! example, blonde ... In my head, dust - it does not matter! Because I blodinka! Yes, yes, yes! blonde - it's not just hair color. it is also an alibi . blond in white boots and shiny tight trousers, on the steps of STI clinic with a piece of paper in the hands of chirps into the phone: - Positive - this is the meaning of "all is well", right? Ordinary women's ass - organ located permanently lower back, performing the function of depreciation and is intended for viewing, schupanya, stroking and patting light males. Daughter turns to her mother: - Mom, why do I have the boys in the yard is called "blank"? - Do not "blank", and "blonde" - remember it better write it down! Blonde asked: - "you on how many pieces pizza cut? For six or eight?" Blonde long thought and said: - "Cut to six, eight, I do not eat"...
Listening twice as much as you speak is a sign of wisdom.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Alexander941 » Mon Aug 25, 2014 7:13 pm

@Jo753

Your Answer sounds like a quote from a movie, but I am not able to remember which one.
It was something like: I will kill you, your family, your neighbours and everyone who knew you so that no one will know you ever have existed.
I think it was a western.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon Aug 25, 2014 7:33 pm

Yes, I'v seen similar stuf befor. I'v ritten sumthing like that befor also. I didnt get it frum any particular movie, but there wuz a sene in Heavy Metal in wich Joe Flaherty sez sumthing like 'all you can do iz thro yourself on the mercy uv the court and maybe they will only hire vagrants to piss on your grave for 50 yirz.'
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Wed Aug 27, 2014 11:32 pm

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.




TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to share this to see who else falls for it. I have shared this because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

Have a great Day "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Wed Aug 27, 2014 11:41 pm

TJrandom wrote:IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person. :glare:
:lol:

TEN (10) THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU

1) You are reading this. Yes.

2) You are human. I... think so. Yes.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips. :glare:

4) You just attempted to do it. Nope. :-P

6) You are laughing at yourself. Yes.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5. Yes.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5. Yes.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too. I hope so. :-D

10) You are probably going to share this to see who else falls for it. I have shared this because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category. Maybe. And I don't think that's your category. :-P

Have a great Day "Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many."
You too! And thank you!
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Thu Aug 28, 2014 9:49 pm

In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some of the care staff even thought it had something to do with the supernatural, the grim reaper, gods, or angry ghosts.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00am on; Sunday, so a team of experts, seers, priests, and Ghostbusters was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00am, all of the doctors, nurses, and assembled investigators nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Fri Aug 29, 2014 3:33 am

John went to his friend’s house quite late and unannounced, wanting to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room since they already had a house guest, so he said, “You can sleep on the couch in the living room, or you can sleep in the guest room with Baby.”

John said that he would prefer the couch. The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde. “Hi,” he said, “Who are you?”

“I’m Baby, and who are you?”

“I’m stupid,” he said.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Scott Mayers » Fri Aug 29, 2014 3:55 am

TJrandom wrote:In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some of the care staff even thought it had something to do with the supernatural, the grim reaper, gods, or angry ghosts.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00am on; Sunday, so a team of experts, seers, priests, and Ghostbusters was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00am, all of the doctors, nurses, and assembled investigators nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
I just happened to be watching a doc on bed bugs and how a similar thing had occurred in a Thai hotel in which many guests were dying or hospitalized for some unknown strange causes. It turned out that these were due to a chemical being used to clean their bed bug infection by staff.
I eat without fear of certain Death from The Tree of Knowledge because with wisdom, we may one day break free from its mortal curse.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Aug 29, 2014 4:19 am

Scott Mayers wrote: I just happened to be watching a doc on bed bugs and how a similar thing had occurred in a Thai hotel in which many guests were dying or hospitalized for some unknown strange causes. It turned out that these were due to a chemical being used to clean their bed bug infection by staff.
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
Wait. That's not funny.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Scott Mayers » Fri Aug 29, 2014 6:09 am

I was thinking the same thing. But, well, it just fit in at the moment...sort of.

I think I might come across kind of like...https://screen.yahoo.com/debbie-downer- ... 00872.html
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Fri Aug 29, 2014 7:20 am

My wife tells me that she was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked for a couple of dollars for dinner. She says that she took out her wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told her.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" she asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" she says she asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

My wife says that she said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

My wife says that she said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

Having finished dinner and returned home, and as I poured my wife another glass of wine, I asked if she wanted to go shopping, get her hair done, and had enough mad money.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Sep 04, 2014 8:50 am

Norma: "What inspires you to write such beautiful, soulful, heartfelt poetry?"
kennyc: "Someone pays me $100 for them."
Norma: "That's perverse!"
kennyc: "Nah, per poem. Still, beats working."
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Fri Sep 05, 2014 10:34 pm

I found a wallet on the side of the road the other day. It had $100 in it. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? After thinking it over, I turned the $100 into wine.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Re: Jokes

Post by kennyc » Fri Sep 05, 2014 10:51 pm

Pea
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Re: Jokes

Post by kennyc » Fri Sep 05, 2014 10:52 pm

Gord wrote:Norma: "What inspires you to write such beautiful, soulful, heartfelt poetry?"
kennyc: "Someone pays me $100 for them."
Norma: "That's perverse!"
kennyc: "Nah, per poem. Still, beats working."
:lol: :lol: :lol:
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Nicoderm patch

Post by TJrandom » Sun Sep 07, 2014 9:43 pm

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

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Sex Facts

Post by TJrandom » Sun Sep 07, 2014 9:59 pm

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading forum posts.

You hang in there, sunshine!

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Re: Jokes

Post by OlegTheBatty » Sun Sep 07, 2014 11:21 pm

Bob forgot his anniversary on Wednesday. His wife was angry! "There better be a gift in the driveway tomorrow that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, or there will be trouble!"

The next morning when she looked out, there was a beautifully giftwrapped box in the driveway. When she opened it, there was a bathroom scale.

Bob has not been seen since.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

.......................Doesn't matter how often I'm proved wrong.................... ~ bobbo the pragmatist

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Mon Sep 08, 2014 12:06 am

Oleg, I got you also something sleek, shiny, and really fast. And has, apparently, stability and quite good handling!
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Re: Jokes

Post by kennyc » Mon Sep 08, 2014 12:22 am

scrmbldggs wrote:Oleg, I got you also something sleek, shiny, and really fast. And has, apparently, stability and quite good handling!
My cat Tipton just chased, caught and ate a grasshopper. :lol:

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Mon Sep 08, 2014 12:32 am

Crunchy, pseudo vegetarian cuisine.

Yum! :-P
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Re: Jokes

Post by kennyc » Mon Sep 08, 2014 12:54 am

scrmbldggs wrote:Crunchy, pseudo vegetarian cuisine.

Yum! :-P
Sick of that pic yet? :lol:
Kenny A. Chaffin
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"Strive on with Awareness" - Siddhartha Gautama

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JO 753
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon Sep 08, 2014 2:05 am

Looks well groomed.
Gubmint for us
http://www.7532020.com
not the rich.

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scrmbldggs
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Mon Sep 08, 2014 3:21 am

kennyc wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:Crunchy, pseudo vegetarian cuisine.

Yum! :-P
Sick of that pic yet? :lol:
Nevar!

That's one gorgeous cat and a neat shot of it. :-D
.
Lard, save me from your followers.

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TJrandom
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon Sep 08, 2014 3:38 am

OlegTheBatty wrote:Bob forgot his anniversary on Wednesday. His wife was angry! "There better be a gift in the driveway tomorrow that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, or there will be trouble!"

The next morning when she looked out, there was a beautifully giftwrapped box in the driveway. When she opened it, there was a bathroom scale.

Bob has not been seen since.
Do we possibly have the same joke source? Your joke was next on my list. Did mine precede yours on your source?

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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Sep 08, 2014 7:28 am

Jokes come in lists now??? :?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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TJrandom
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon Sep 08, 2014 8:44 am

Gord wrote:Jokes come in lists now??? :?
Feeling left out are ya? You need to be one of the chosen few.... :D
Last edited by TJrandom on Mon Sep 08, 2014 10:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

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kennyc
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Re: Jokes

Post by kennyc » Mon Sep 08, 2014 10:30 am

Gord wrote:Jokes come in lists now??? :?
There's an app for that.
:mrgreen:
Kenny A. Chaffin
Art Gallery - Photo Gallery - Writing&Poetry - The Bleeding Edge
"Strive on with Awareness" - Siddhartha Gautama

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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Sep 08, 2014 11:18 am

TJrandom wrote:
Gord wrote:Jokes come in lists now??? :?
Feeling left out are ya? You need to be one of the chosen few.... :D
Schindler's lists?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?