Jokes

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Alexander941
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Re: Jokes

Post by Alexander941 » Thu Jul 10, 2014 6:39 pm

Two people are in a room.
One is a guy, the other a girl.
Guy is looking at girl while girl is looking back at guy.
In between the two is a mirror.
I dont get it ;-(

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Wed Jul 16, 2014 12:39 am

A psychiatrist is in his office when his secretary comes in and tells him, "Dr., there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me, I think you should send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
The psychiatrist replies, "Doris, are you asking me to commit a murder?"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Jul 18, 2014 11:07 am

Charlie was an aspiring stage actor who was still waiting for his "big break." He rarely got called for an acting gig and was near the point of giving up on his dream.
Finally, one day, his agent called and said "Charlie! I've got good news! I got you a gig! It's a small part, only one line. You play a guard in Napoleon's army. The downside is the show opens today, so you've got to get moving if you want the part. Your line is easy. All you have to say is 'Hark! Are those canons I hear?' Think you can handle that, Charlie?"
Charlie was ecstatic. "Yeah! I can do it! 'Hark, are those cannons I hear?' Easy! When do I gotta be there?!"
"Tonight at 7pm the curtain goes up, Charlie. Don't blow this! It's your big break!"
So Charlie started practicing right away... "Hark! Are those cannons I hear?" he said has he showered. "HARK! Are those cannons I hear?" he said as he shaved. All day long he paced around his apartment; "Hark, are those CANNONS I here?!" "...HARK! Are...those cannons I hear?" All through dinner: "Hark, are those cannons I HEAR?" "HARK! ARE THOSE CANNONS I HEAR?!" Through his afternoon nap, he mumbled to himself: "Hark, are those cannons I hear..."
And, of course, he overslept. His phone rang at 7:45pm. His agent. "Charlie! Where the hell are you? You're on stage in thirty minutes! Get the {!#%@} down there!" Charlie clambered out of bed... "What was my line again? oh yeah; Hark! Are those cannons I hear?" He hailed a cab; "Hark! Are those cannons I hear?" All the way to the theater; "HARK! Are those cannons I hear? Hark; are those CANNONS I HEAR!?"
As he ran through the stage door, the director caught him; "Charlie! You're on in two minutes! Get your costume on! What's your line? Do you remember your {!#%@} line?!"
"Yeah, it's 'HARK! Are those cannons I hear?"
"Great! Get that {!#%@} costume on and get out there!"
As Charlie pulled on his costume he repeated his line over & over; "Hark! Are those cannons I hear? ...HARK! ARE THOSE CANNONS I HEAR?! ...HARK! ARE THOSE CANNONS I HEAR?!"
He made it to his point on stage just in time. From off-stage there was a great loud BOOM! and Charlie hit the deck and screamed "WHAT THE {!#%@} WAS THAT?!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Jul 18, 2014 7:16 pm

This one is called the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and is quite famous in certain circles:

There once was this Black and White Space Marine on a Black and White Bike, and being the hero-type person that he was, he wanted to marry the commander's daughter. So he went up to the palace, and the guard naturally inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied: "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your first task is to slay the dragon on Xylon III".

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out, the guard once again asked, "Who goes there"?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine then proceeded with ease to kill the dragon and six months later returned with the head of the foul beast. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks, you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your second task is to climb the highest peak on Desgrus Beta".

On his way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

The Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily climbed the mountain and returned 4 years later. On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, if you complete three tasks you may take my daughter's hand in marriage" the commander told the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. "Your third and final task is to swim across the acid lake outside the palace."

On the Black and White Space Marine's way out the guard once again asked, "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter."

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

Once again the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike easily completed his task and returned to the palace for the final time.

On his way into the palace the guard inquired "Who goes there?"

To which the Black and White Space Marine replied "I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry the commander's daughter".

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike."

"OK, pass."

So the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike proceeded up to the commander's chamber.

"Who goes there?" asked the commander.

"I'm the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike and I want to marry your daughter" replied the Black and White Space Marine.

"Not the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike?"

"Yes, the Black and White Space Marine on the Black and White Bike. May I marry your daughter now?"

"OK."
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"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Jul 18, 2014 11:36 pm

:befuddled:
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Tue Aug 12, 2014 2:48 am

3 uv the bona fide jeneusez I'v known were blond.
The father& son arab wun iz a recycled Flip Wilson joke.
Your last post iz not a joke.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Tue Aug 12, 2014 3:22 am

JO 753 wrote: The father& son arab wun iz a recycled Flip Wilson joke.
Jo, we are showing our age. I doubt many people here remember Flip Wilson.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Tue Aug 12, 2014 3:52 am

But who coud possibly gess that I'm 54 by that? The yungunz, being lazy slakrz, will just figure Flip Wilson iz a current but obscure stand up comic and not bother to investigate, so my aje iz still safely conseeld behind a wall uv hipstr BS and trendy avatarz.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Tue Aug 12, 2014 5:29 am

JO 753 wrote:But who coud possibly gess that I'm 54 by that?
I can because I'm one year younger than you. We seem to have watched the same show, "Laugh in", as kids.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Tue Aug 12, 2014 7:23 am

Maybe! He wuz on TV alot. Had hiz own show.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Aug 12, 2014 7:54 am

Wasn't the the black guy from Hollywood Squares?

Oh, no, wait, that was Nispey Russell....


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"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
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Re: Jokes

Post by Alexander941 » Tue Aug 12, 2014 4:26 pm

A midget woman at the Gynecologist:
She tells the doctor that she feels a strong pain "down there" when it is raining.
He examins here but is unable to find anything suspicious, so he tells her to come back again on a rainy day, maybe then he will be able to help her.
A few days later it is raining and the midget woman has returned for examination, the doctor examines her agian, takes a scalpel, makes a few cuts and asks her to stand up and walk.
"The pain is gone, what have you done to accomplish this?" she asks, and the doctor answers:
"I just shortened your rubber boots."

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Wed Aug 13, 2014 7:47 pm

All this talk about blondes reminds me of this:
Spoiler:
Image
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:04 pm

A-number wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:All this talk about blondes reminds me of this:
Spoiler:
Image
OMG, I hurt someone's feeling again, haven't I? BTW, this is an american thing. where I come from and where I grew up, there is no such thing.
Whut? If you meant me, no, no hurt feelings. I'm bald. But I've seen that on a car and liked it. :-D


(Just kidding about the bald. And I don't care about mine or anyone else's hair color.)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Monster » Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:37 pm

A-number wrote: OMG, I hurt someone's feeling again, haven't I? BTW, this is an american thing. where I come from and where I grew up, there is no such thing.
Blonde jokes exist in Ukraine. I know this because the blonde chairwoman of our contractor company, in Ukraine, posted them in Russian or Ukrainian online. I don't remember which language it was.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Monster » Thu Aug 14, 2014 2:24 am

A-number wrote:
Monster wrote:
A-number wrote: OMG, I hurt someone's feeling again, haven't I? BTW, this is an american thing. where I come from and where I grew up, there is no such thing.
Blonde jokes exist in Ukraine. I know this because the blonde chairwoman of our contractor company, in Ukraine, posted them in Russian or Ukrainian online. I don't remember which language it was.
I never been to Ukraine and know little to nothing about it, so I really would not know. But thanks, I was going to say that it is at least Ukrainian too, and not just American. But that could have been exported from here as in Coca cola, Bugs Bunny and such :mrgreen: .
Could be. I don't know.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Alexander941 » Thu Aug 14, 2014 8:21 pm

Blond jokes also exist in Austria, Germany, and the former Countries of the SFR YU.

I think it somehow emerged with the modern Bimbo.

Interessting fact: In german "Bimbo" is a racial slur like "nigger".

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Thu Aug 14, 2014 9:33 pm

Not sure if I'm oversensitive here, but I'm appalled to see the N-word spelled out like that. And the censoring doesn't work on it when I quote the post. It comes out as it is spelled. Don't like it. No joke. Sorry. :pardon:
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Fri Aug 15, 2014 12:51 am

How about limey, spik, chink, towelhed, toaster, krout or egghed?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Fri Aug 15, 2014 2:31 am

scrmbldggs wrote:Not sure if I'm oversensitive here, but I'm appalled to see the N-word spelled out like that. And the censoring doesn't work on it when I quote the post. It comes out as it is spelled. Don't like it. No joke. Sorry. :pardon:
Fair enough. I think that Europeans don't have the bad connotations that arose in the USA for that word. The latin root word "negre" still just means black in most European languages. Considering Europeans themselves kept their derogatory "colour surnames' like the "Greenbergs", the Mavromichalis ( black Michaels) and so on, I think it is a grey area in Europe in regards to political correctness.

Anyhow, lets just not use that word here.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Aug 15, 2014 3:41 am

scrmbldggs wrote:Not sure if I'm oversensitive here, but I'm appalled to see the N-word spelled out like that.
It's your white racial guilt coming through, you horrible person.
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri Aug 15, 2014 4:03 am

Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:Not sure if I'm oversensitive here, but I'm appalled to see the N-word spelled out like that.
It's your white racial guilt coming through, you horrible person.
:cry2:




(But at least I don't have to wonder about that anymore - which I did!)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Aug 15, 2014 4:26 am

Here's a joke: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deepak_Chopra_(Canada_Post" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;) :shock:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri Aug 15, 2014 4:28 am

Ha, JO, I'm not even familiar with most of those, but I guess I'm just an oddball with not being big on such... but only cos that's the way I'm built, I guess. I'm not picking on anyone, I'm just saying that for some reason, I simply prefer to avoid such.

  I wonder what Dr Gord has to say about that...  
And I agree with Matthew, lets not use it (and I'm not saying Alex used it in any bad way, it just looks... well, ya know!
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri Aug 15, 2014 4:31 am

scrmbldggs wrote:
  I wonder what Dr Gord has to say about that...  
10,000 illegal immigrants sneak into a bar....
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri Aug 15, 2014 4:34 am

Gord wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:
  I wonder what Dr Gord has to say about that...  
10,000 illegal immigrants sneak into a bar....
Keep your exotic fleas to yourself. :shakefist:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Fri Aug 15, 2014 5:07 am

A horse walk into a bar. The barman asks "Why the long face?"

A bear walks into bar and says "Give me a beer". The frightened barman puts a beer on the bar, the bear throws it back, slams down ten dollars and says "Give me another beer". The barman timidly complies. The bear throws back the beer, slams down another ten dollars and says "Give me another beer". The barman pours another beer and says "We don't get many talking bears in here" The bear wipes his face with his paw and says "At ten dollars a beer I'm not surprised".

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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Fri Aug 15, 2014 5:19 am

scrmbldggs wrote:And I agree with Matthew, lets not use it
Yes let's just stick to Australian expressions, as no one has a clue what they mean. You foreign "nongs" and "drongos" won't have a clue what's going on.

Anyhow, "cop-u-lator", as I have to "hit the frog and toad" before the "cheese and kisses" get's home.


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Re: Jokes

Post by Scott Mayers » Fri Aug 15, 2014 8:22 pm

A-number wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:Not sure if I'm oversensitive here, but I'm appalled to see the N-word spelled out like that. And the censoring doesn't work on it when I quote the post. It comes out as it is spelled. Don't like it. No joke. Sorry. :pardon:
He meant it in a clinical fashion. Dr. Laura did the same thing as she was helping one of the female african american callers on her then syndicated radio show. And the blacks ganged up on her to a point she quit radio!!! I loved that woman as she was not racist at all. She was an equal opportunity beater and did not apologise for it. Anybody that needed to be beat up, she beat them over the phone on national radio. But racism or bigotery was not the base, she was just a tough woman and more often than not, hillarious with her brutal honesty and spontaneity.

the n word is derogatory in France at least. Not as bad as it is in here but still derogatory enough.
I don't think any one should be concerned too much about words themselves as being offensive. Instead, we should consider context, semantics, culture, and other things, by the person using them. But in any case, I'm more worried when we resort to censorship unless we can demonstrate that the words by a given person saying them are (a) deliberate means to harm, that (b) can be particularly proven that this is the case, and (c) also respects that people are not always fixed in their attitudes otherwise. I would add too that other contextual considerations must always be in mind and censorship should only be used if it is only for a temporary means or expedient in the each given case where the risk of the uncertainty to such free speech might highly threaten another in drastic ways.

I've got red hair but lately a new trend to describe 'us' is "ginger". At the moment I don't see any problem locally. But in some places, this is beginning to be used in such a derogatory way by some. As a kid, others used to call me "carrot head" but this never really bothered me even when they might have intended it. But I'd usually point out that I understood carrot heads to be green. :roll:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Alexander941 » Fri Aug 15, 2014 8:32 pm

The political correct movement is doing a lot damage everywhere, and Iam sure they dont care about minorities, racism etc. just about their influence in controlling the language.

The german word "Neger" means black person, and it was used until a few decades in all sorts of publications without being derogatory, but now it somehow has become an insult and some idiot-journalist in austria saw its use in a school-exame as the evidence of structural racism.

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 16, 2014 4:50 am

Alexander941 wrote:The german word "Neger" means black person, and it was used until a few decades in all sorts of publications without being derogatory, but now it somehow has become an insult and some idiot-journalist in austria saw its use in a school-exame as the evidence of structural racism.
Now, that's outright ridiculous. But its not a first, I guess. The use and meaning of many words and sayings in any language can change over time and their use might become very distorted, and often unpopular. However, it's sad if the original becomes forgotten by most people.

But sometimes a change from the old is sorely needed, no? Weren't Austrians still described as a "Wurzelgrabendes Bergvolk am Rande der Alpen." in a Dictionary published until not too long ago?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sat Aug 16, 2014 4:52 am

I used to post on a website that banned the word "niggardly". When I complained, they told me they didn't appreciate racists posting on their websites and that I should reconsider being a member there. I suggested they buy a dictionary, but I doubt they did, as they were so niggardly.
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 16, 2014 5:01 am

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Sat Aug 16, 2014 5:04 am

Here's a word for Scrams. Schwarzenegger.
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 16, 2014 5:10 am

Major Malfunction wrote:Here's a word for Scrams. Schwarzenegger.
Warts and eggs?! :burn:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Sat Aug 16, 2014 5:31 am

Major Malfunction wrote:Here's a word for Scrams. Schwarzenegger.
That was really interesting. It does suggest "Arnold Black Black"

However, in reality it means " Schwarzenegger is a German surname that means person from Schwarzenegg, which is both a town in Switzerland and a place in Land Salzburg in Austria. The name also translates literally to "black ploughman" in German.'

I will wait for Alexander to confirm this.

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 16, 2014 5:44 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:
Major Malfunction wrote:Here's a word for Scrams. Schwarzenegger.
That was really interesting. It does suggest "Arnold Black Black"

However, in reality it means " Schwarzenegger is a German surname that means person from Schwarzenegg, which is both a town in Switzerland and a place in Land Salzburg in Austria. The name also translates literally to "black ploughman" in German.'

I will wait for Alexander to confirm this.
8-) Thanks, Matt.


And that makes me think of Austin Harper. Where has he gotten lost? I miss him! :frown:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Sat Aug 16, 2014 5:56 am

scrmbldggs wrote: And that makes me think of Austin Harper. Where has he gotten lost? I miss him! :frown:
I miss a lot of people. The people who politely explained to me that I was an idiot, and were correct, when I first joined, have all gone. They kept me in check, as they could remind me, at any time, that I was pretty stupid in my first posts, when I attack another person for making the same mistake I already made.

"Our job is finished"
".....but Matthew's still does idiotic things"
"We passed the educational baton to Pyrrho and ran as fast as we could" .

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Aug 16, 2014 5:59 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote: And that makes me think of Austin Harper. Where has he gotten lost? I miss him! :frown:
I miss a lot of people. The people who politely explained to me that I was an idiot, and were correct, when I first joined, have all gone. They kept me in check, as they could remind me, at any time, that I was pretty stupid in my first posts, when I attack another person for making the same mistake I already made.

"Our job is finished"
".....but Matthew's still does idiotic things"
"We passed the educational baton to Pyrrho and ran as fast as we could" .
When you hit the 13000 mark, your rank will change to "True Idiot". :-P





Edit: That sounds so harsh, I have to add a JK!!! (And Gord is going on 18000 as "Has No Life", I think you have nothing to worry about!)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Sat Aug 16, 2014 6:07 am

scrmbldggs wrote: When you hit the 13000 mark, your rank will change to "True idiot". :-P
I'm looking forward to it. There is a special ceremony where I get to wear a "dunce hat" and visit all the Skeptic Society offices.

"This is Matthew from Australia. He posts on the forum"

"Ohhhh Ahhhh"
"Gosh he can almost string a sentence together"
"Do his knuckles scrape the ground when he walks?"
"Has Darwin explained him yet?"
"My god! He's almost human"
"I thought the forum was an experiment to attract lunatics not idiots"