Jokes

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Nobrot
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Re: Jokes

Post by Nobrot » Wed May 17, 2017 1:23 am

A violin player walks into a jungle clearing and is immediately eyed up by a crocodile who muses:
I'm going to bite his head off and eat him.
About the same time a panther spots the hippy loon and decides to rip his belly open and eat him.
A few hundred feet above a flock of vultures weighs up these goings on and swoop down for the scraps.
Just then. Daft lad produces his fiddle and begins Beethoven’s violin concerto.
All beasts of the field are frozen. Utterly transfixed, and by the time of the second movement there's a huge semicircle of poisonous, savage bitey creatures, all in rapture.
At this point a gangly old lion walks through the crowd, knocks ya mans head off and starts eating him.
There was uproar. What the {!#%@} are you doing!!
The old lion says... You what?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Wed May 17, 2017 1:36 am

:confused: :blink: :scratch: :scratch: :scratch: :scratch: :scratch: :scratch: :scratch: :scratch: :scratch: :scratch: :scratch:
trump is Putin's bitch

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Re: Jokes

Post by Nobrot » Wed May 17, 2017 1:49 am

Eh? :D :D :D :D

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed May 17, 2017 4:02 am

The lion iz def?
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Wed May 17, 2017 4:57 am

Today a 101-year-old man became the oldest skydiver. At least that's the explanation United Airlines gave.

(With thanks to Seth Meyers)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Nobrot » Wed May 17, 2017 11:25 pm

JO 753 wrote:The lion iz def?
We have a winner :D

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Thu May 18, 2017 8:58 am

It would have been funnier if it was a leopard.
And also if I got it.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Thu May 18, 2017 1:47 pm

It will be a nise cherry on top uv my Randi Challenj winningz.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Fri May 19, 2017 1:45 am

Aztexan wrote:It would have been funnier if it was a leopard.
And also if I got it.
leppard

Hav yu lernd nuqig frum JO?!?!
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$1 and a $20

Post by TJrandom » Fri May 19, 2017 4:45 am

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, and the Lutheran Church."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

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veterinarian

Post by TJrandom » Sat May 20, 2017 7:16 am

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the preacher of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The preacher replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The preacher was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the preacher said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada ... He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno ".

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat May 20, 2017 7:21 am

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by fromthehills » Sat May 20, 2017 12:48 pm

Fake news. A preacher wouldn't be concerned if she could afford it or not.

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat May 20, 2017 6:09 pm

He was probing to see if he could get even more out of the old gal...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun May 21, 2017 12:10 am

Things Confucius never said:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man does not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but Tiger Wood.





...although I think Charlie Chan may have said some of them.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
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Headlines

Post by TJrandom » Sun May 21, 2017 9:59 am

Some headlines... Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter (Really?)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (Good theory.)

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (Please don`t.)

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (What a guy.)

Miners Refuse to Work after Death (No good workers.)

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (That`ll teach him.)

War Dims Hope for Peace (As with most wars.)

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (I suppose it could.)

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures (Ya think?)

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (No kidding?)

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge (Didn`t he become the battery?)

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (Not fat enough?)

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (Shouldn`t have eaten those beans.)

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Tastes like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (Boy, are they tall!)

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (No kidding?)

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Sun May 21, 2017 1:38 pm

:lol:
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Sleep well

Post by TJrandom » Mon May 22, 2017 10:58 am

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next check-up, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Mon May 22, 2017 11:15 am

But if the GD is already taking the pill, a double-dose could lead to some deleterious side-effects.

(Sorry. My analytical side got out of his box and clobbered the comedian.)
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Re: Jokes

Post by fromthehills » Mon May 22, 2017 12:48 pm

And the ages seem odd to me. She's 80, and her doctor that has seen her nearly her whole life just retired? I find this highly unlikely. And 16yo granddaughter, more plausible, but still a stretch.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Mon May 22, 2017 2:06 pm

A medical doctor graduates about 27. Presuming he decides to retire at the standard 65, that's 38 years. Not most of her life, but a large portion. And many doctors don't retire at the standard retirement age, so he could be working-on.

As a younger doctor than his patient, this framing might work. But there's really not enough information in this joke to make a solid determination.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon May 22, 2017 5:28 pm

A lesson I lerned from Star trek: Never tell jokes to Spock.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Mon May 22, 2017 5:31 pm

Indeed.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon May 22, 2017 6:37 pm

Erm... this isn`t Popular Mechanics, right?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Mon May 22, 2017 7:30 pm

It's Bipolar Mechanics. Popular Mechanics is two doors down.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon May 22, 2017 10:10 pm

To the left. Otherwize you'l end up at Popular Seance.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Mon May 22, 2017 10:35 pm

And when you get there, tell them to keep it down over there, will ya?

I'm trying to loosen my nuts.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon May 22, 2017 10:41 pm

That seriously needed some serious eye candy....

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Tue May 23, 2017 9:55 am

Don't you have enough? Try to convince one of the nurses to send us a photo.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Tue May 23, 2017 10:04 am

Major Malfunction wrote:Don't you have enough? Try to convince one of the nurses to send us a photo.
What - and get labeled as a dirty old man? Then I`d just get the male nurses. Wouldn`t want that! :?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Tue May 23, 2017 10:22 am

You aren't? Tell her your friends want to know you're getting the best care... It's not a lie.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Tue May 23, 2017 10:37 am

Major Malfunction wrote:You aren't? Tell her your friends want to know you're getting the best care... It's not a lie.
Nope… these are seriously cute but also seriously intelligent nurses. They`d smell a rat for sure, and I do have numerous jabs in front of me over the next week and a bit. I wouldn`t want to cause them to tense up as they stab me... You`ll just need to close your eyes and imagine....

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Tue May 23, 2017 10:52 am

Yeah, nah nah nah nah nah nah, nah...

I know how to seduce nurses. It's easy. You can do it too. Golden opportunity.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Tue May 23, 2017 4:45 pm

Thru the majik uv Google, I found TJ'z nurse.
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Lost in the woods

Post by TJrandom » Sat May 27, 2017 10:44 pm

Two hunters were lost in the woods when the first said to the second: "I heard that if you fire three shots in the air in rapid succession, help will come".

After the second man had quickly fired three shots in the air, they waited for an hour, but no one came.

The first man said "perhaps you are doing it wrong. Let me give it a try".

The second man replied "Sorry, but you can`t ... I don`t have any arrows left".

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun May 28, 2017 6:18 am

A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope, "DO NOT BEND ". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

* * * * *

A woman phones her blonde neighbour and says, "Close your curtains the next time you and your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde replies, "Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

* * * * *

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Sun May 28, 2017 3:56 pm

Major Malfunction wrote:I know how to seduce nurses. It's easy. You can do it too. Golden opportunity.
Forgot to mention I'm holding a free seminar on how to seduce nurses. Just sign this form...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Sun May 28, 2017 10:21 pm

Major Malfunction wrote:
Major Malfunction wrote:I know how to seduce nurses. It's easy. You can do it too. Golden opportunity.
Forgot to mention I'm holding a free seminar on how to seduce nurses. Just sign this form...
Image
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Sun May 28, 2017 10:59 pm

That was NOT nice... :? Now I will fear that knock at night while otherwise I was mildly excited with anticipation.... :lol:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Sun May 28, 2017 11:04 pm

Gord, you're on my marketing team.

TJ, tell your friends to just go and {!#%@}, already! The sexual tension is over 9000!
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