Jokes

Laugh it up...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Mon Apr 24, 2017 12:59 am

Major Malfunction wrote:I've been awake for over a day. My funny peak is over. I'm going to bed. Entertain yourselves.
In Australia, when one comes across a friend, sleeping soundly in bed, the next step is to slowly sneak the garden hose under the bed covers, and then turn it on full blast. :D

This is called "Australian mateship"

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fromthehills
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Re: Jokes

Post by fromthehills » Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:00 am

In 'Merica we just lick our finger and stick it in their ear. You guys are weird.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Apr 24, 2017 6:13 am

I used to gently hold their noses so they couldn't breath. Hilarious. It's like drowning in your sleep.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:24 am

I sometimes have sleep apnoea and dream I'm drowning. I don't mind. It's kind of peaceful and relaxing. Wait... *gasp* What the {!#%@}?! How did you get in my room, Gord?
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon Apr 24, 2017 9:39 am

Remindz me uv a joke I made! Not sure it will work in print, kuz its mostly a Shatner impression. (probably alredy did this here)

Sene: The brij uv the star ship Enterprize. Captain Jamez T Kirk in the command chair. Thingz are calm. The familiar soft bleeping burbling uv the systemz, occasional muted comments. Thingz are more than calm, they are boring.

The Captain gazez at the main veiwer, the starz passing unnotised. Boredom. He starts to get a little antsy, impatient, fijity.

Suddenly he gets an idea.

"Mr. Sulu!"

"Beeeem Ensen Perez to co-ordiantes..." he consults the tabulatoratron bilt into the armrest 'BloopBLEEPbloopbeep'...." 137 2 mark 58.6"

Sulu, looking at hiz control panel "But Captain. Thats empty space! 1,000 meterz in front of the prow! And Perez iz..." consults hiz crew locatorotron 'bleepboopblap'..."asleep in hiz bunk!!!"

"Exactly Mr. Sulu!

Main viewer pleez. Magnification 10x !"
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Paraplegic at the beach

Post by TJrandom » Mon Apr 24, 2017 10:09 am

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?" The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

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Re: Jokes

Post by Nobrot » Mon Apr 24, 2017 4:21 pm

Oedipus, come back all is forgiven: Mother.
Oh no it isn’t! Father.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Tue Apr 25, 2017 8:57 pm

Major Malfunction wrote:I sometimes have sleep apnoea and dream I'm drowning. I don't mind. It's kind of peaceful and relaxing. Wait... *gasp* What the {!#%@}?! How did you get in my room, Gord?
Same way gorgeous does. I walked through the wall with the aliens.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: United app

Post by TJrandom » Thu Apr 27, 2017 10:26 pm

TJrandom wrote:United Airlines smartphone app – Version 2.1.18, 85.8MB, released April 10, 2017, release notes: Supports drag and drop.
More....

New United Airlines Motto’s:

“Drag and Drop”
“We put the hospital in hospitality”
“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”
“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”
“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”
“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”
“We treat you like we treat your luggage”
“We beat the customer. Not the competition”
“And you thought leg room was an issue”
“Where voluntary is mandatory”
“Fight or flight. We decide”
“Now offering one free carry off”
“Beating random customers since 2017”
“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”
“A bloody good airline”

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Golf

Post by TJrandom » Thu Apr 27, 2017 10:38 pm

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

Ed said, "You're probably not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Thu Apr 27, 2017 10:50 pm

:lol:
.
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Handsome

Post by TJrandom » Sun Apr 30, 2017 3:31 am

Sex with three people is called a threesome, while sex with two people is called a twosome. That is why everyone says you are a handsome old fart.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 02, 2017 5:09 am

Stop me if you've heard this one before

A woman had been in a coma for a few weeks was in the hospital when a nurse walked in to give her her nightly sponge bath. Everything was going normal until the nurse came to the woman's private parts. The woman twitched and the nurse excitedly ran to the phone to call the woman's husband. She told him to come to the hospital and hurry, there's been an interesting development.

The husband arrives and the nurse tells him what had happened.
She said, "I was bathing her and when I rubbed her privates, she seemed to respond. I suggest you go in there. Maybe some oral sex is what she needs. I'll lock the door and make sure no one disturbs you for a few minutes."

She leaves and within a couple of minutes, her alarm starts ringing, alerting her to the woman's room.
She runs down the hall as fast as she can and throws open the door and sees that the woman is flatlining.

The nurse, shocked, asks, "What the hell happened?!?"

The husband says as he climbs off from having straddled her, zips up and says, "I dunno. She must have drowned."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Cadmusteeth » Tue May 02, 2017 10:11 pm

If a pregnant woman swims in the ocean, would she be considered a submarine? :?:
-random person on the internet

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Tue May 02, 2017 10:57 pm

Cadmusteeth wrote:If a pregnant woman swims in the ocean, would she be considered a submarine? :?:
-random person on the internet
The religious right would say that she wouldn`t actually need to be pregnant... just of age.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed May 03, 2017 12:45 am

Cadmusteeth wrote:If a pregnant woman swims in the ocean, would she be considered a submarine? :?:
-random person on the internet
Only if she's still manned, otherwise she's a derelict.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Wed May 03, 2017 1:07 pm

What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

Donald trump has never had a garbanzo bean on his face.
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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Thu May 04, 2017 3:11 am

I must be sidekik! I wuz sure sumwun had posted that joke here within a few months, so I used the serch & it only found your post, Az.
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Clydesdale

Post by TJrandom » Fri May 05, 2017 3:41 am

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?

Because he was a little horse!!

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Puns....

Post by TJrandom » Fri May 05, 2017 8:04 am

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu – the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating – always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding – a case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Fri May 05, 2017 2:42 pm

A large retinue of cheesy jokes is an important ingredient for success. ;)
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu May 11, 2017 7:56 am

A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realises his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the ground rapidly approaches, he realises his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is whipping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, he meets another man coming up. In desperation, the man with the chute yells, "Hey! Do you know anything about parachutes?!"

The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Thu May 11, 2017 8:55 am

I don't get it... Which one was pregnant?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu May 11, 2017 6:16 pm

The parachute.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Those Commandmants

Post by TJrandom » Fri May 12, 2017 11:06 am

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest nearly fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well Murphy I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynns hat. What changed your mind?

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye, the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri May 12, 2017 6:19 pm

Little Patrick O'Toole, an altar boy, goes to see Father O'Callahan for confession...

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been having impure relations with a girl from our Parish."

"Ah. That is a problem lad. Pray tell me the young lass' name."

"I am sorry Father, I cannot do that."

The priest begins to think of all the girls in his flock who may be guilty of such an indiscretion. "Was it Mary Fitzpatrick?"

"I cannot say, Father."

"Perhaps it was Margaret Sullivan?"

"I cannot say Father."

"Maybe it was Alice O'Rourke?"

"Father, I cannot say. I cannot betray the girl."

The priest is exasperated and decides to mete out the boy's penance. "Since you have confessed to such a serious sin and since you won't confide the young lady's identity to me, you have given me no choice: you are hereby suspended from your duties as an altar boy for a period of three months."

Young Patrick leaves the Church to meet his friend who asks, "What did you get?"

"Three months vacation and some good leads."
.
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Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey

Post by TJrandom » Sat May 13, 2017 10:16 am

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure.
Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three piece lounge suite on eBay.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon May 15, 2017 1:37 am

The Simpsonz are having a good seazon.

Homer on abstinans: "You dont name your company MicroSoft if youre getting sum!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Mon May 15, 2017 1:48 am

Three little old ladies are sitting together on a park bench when a man in an overcoat walks up to them and opens it up, exposing his penis to them.
The first old lady has a stroke.
The second old lady has a stroke.
The third old lady's arms were too short to reach.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Mon May 15, 2017 2:07 am

Donald trump travels abroad on official business and one of the stops is in the tiny nation of Abkhazia. While there he visits a local brothel and picks a prostitute and heads up to the room. He clumsily fumbles around and finally gets it in and starts pumping furiously. The hooker is underneath him screaming, "Hala goni boba! HALA GONI BOBA!"
When he finishes, he is pleased with himself and goes to sleep for the night to be ready for his round of golf with the Abkhazian President the next morning.

The next day, while playing, the Abkhazian President hits a hole in one and starts celebrating. Trump decides he wants to show off the new phrase he learned the night before and screams, "HALA GONI BOBA!"

The Abkhazian President stops, looks at trump and asks, "What do you mean 'It's in the wrong hole'"?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Nobrot » Tue May 16, 2017 2:13 am

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a pint of Guinness. The inquisitive landlord gives the duck his pint and says, we don't get many of your sort around here, you'll make a fortune in the circus.
A circus? Isn’t that a big tent thing with sawdust on the floor?
Yes that's correct.
So why the {!#%@} would they need a plasterer?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 16, 2017 2:39 am

Why did the blind man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Matthew Ellard » Tue May 16, 2017 2:43 am

I know variations of that joke.

A Grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman says "You know we have a drink named after you?" The Grasshopper looks at the barman and says "You have a drink called Eric?"

A bear walks into a bar, slams down ten bucks and yells "Give me a beer". The frightened barman passes a beer to the bear and steps back. The bear drinks the beer, slams another ten bucks down and yells "Give me another beer!" The barman passes another beer to the bear and steps back. Eventually the barman builds up some courage and says "We don't get many bears coming in here." The beer says "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised".

A horse walks into a bar. The barman looks at him and says "Why the long face?"
:D

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 16, 2017 3:53 am

A dog limps into a bar, one leg in a cast. The bartender asks, " What can I do for you?"
The dog says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 16, 2017 4:01 am

Two lesbian frogs are on a lilypad, going at it hot and heavy when one says to the other, "You know, we do taste like chicken".
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 16, 2017 4:10 am

A man comes home early from work only to find another man on top of his wife, furiously screwing her.
The husband asks, "What's going on"?
The wife says to the other man, "Didn't I tell you he was stupid"?
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 16, 2017 4:14 am

Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?

Because he's dead.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 16, 2017 4:18 am

Why did the pervert leave the zoo disappointed?
Because the {!#%@} exhibit sign said "Come see the Man eating pussy!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Tue May 16, 2017 4:39 am

A pianist and his pet monkey take a job at a local tavern entertaining the crowd. When he was hired, he warned the owner his act was a bit crude and vulgar. The owner thought the crowd could handle it so he decided to give him a shot.
The pianist sets up. He places his tip jar on the piano, takes a shot of whiskey and starts talking to the audience.
He says, "This is an original I wrote called "{!#%@} Her Brains Out and Leave Her Ass" and starts singing and playing. The audience is stunned silent.
Soon the song ends and he says into the mic, "Thank you! And now for my next song, here's another original called "Eat {!#%@} All You {!#%@}, and Kiss my Ass" and starts singing and playing again. The audience doesn't know what to make of it.
Then the singer says, "I'm going to take a quick break before I continue. I'll be right back"
He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The monkey goes to the other end of the bar and squats over another man's drink.
As the pianist finishes his drink and walks back to the piano, the man shouts at him, "Hey man! Do you know your {!#%@} monkey has his balls in my goddamn beer"?
The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars..."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Tue May 16, 2017 1:24 pm

Major Malfunction wrote:I don't get it... Which one was pregnant?
Gord wrote:The parachute.
That inflated quickly.
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