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TJrandom
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Hatred

Post by TJrandom » Sat Aug 25, 2018 5:13 am

The MAGA red hat in Trump`s world is a sign of hatred. Hat-red… hatred, see? :twisted: :roll:

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Perks of being over 50...

Post by TJrandom » Sat Aug 25, 2018 10:12 am

In a kidnap situation, the kidnappers are not interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run - anywhere.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
You can't remember where you saw this list.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Sat Aug 25, 2018 3:57 pm

Now I'm seeing the upside!
Gubmint for us
http://www.7532020.com
not the rich.

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Re: Hatred

Post by scrmbldggs » Sun Aug 26, 2018 5:57 am

TJrandom wrote:The MAGA red hat in Trump`s world is a sign of hatred. Hat-red… hatred, see? :twisted: :roll:
To borrow from Maher: Better red than well-read. :budo:
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Re: Perks of being over 50...

Post by Gord » Mon Aug 27, 2018 6:46 pm

TJrandom wrote:People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
...except your doctor. :P
You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.
...unless they're still 20+ years older than you are.
You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
Ha! You're doing it wrong! My family still takes up the whole street when they park out front, and now with their walkers they block traffic twice as long when they cross the road to and from their cars.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
You sing along with elevator music.
When weren't those true?
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Challenge: accepted.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Patty Wha..

Post by TJrandom » Fri Aug 31, 2018 6:16 pm

A frog went into a bank and approached the teller. He could see from her nameplate that her name was Patty Whack. Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looked at the frog in disbelief and asked his name. The frog said his name was Kermit Jagger, his dad was Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explained that he would need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog said, "Sure. I have this," and produced a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explained that she would need to consult with the bank manager and disappeared into a back office.

She found the manager and said, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She held up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looked back at her and said, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

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Re: Patty Wha..

Post by landrew » Fri Aug 31, 2018 8:11 pm

TJrandom wrote:A frog went into a bank and approached the teller. He could see from her nameplate that her name was Patty Whack. Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looked at the frog in disbelief and asked his name. The frog said his name was Kermit Jagger, his dad was Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explained that he would need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog said, "Sure. I have this," and produced a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explained that she would need to consult with the bank manager and disappeared into a back office.

She found the manager and said, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She held up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looked back at her and said, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
One of my favorite Norm Macdonald jokes.
The job of a skeptic is to investigate the unexplained; not to explain the uninvestigated.

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Re: Patty Wha..

Post by TJrandom » Sat Sep 01, 2018 10:05 am

landrew wrote:
TJrandom wrote:A frog went into a bank and approached the teller. He could see from her nameplate that her name was Patty Whack. Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looked at the frog in disbelief and asked his name. The frog said his name was Kermit Jagger, his dad was Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explained that he would need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog said, "Sure. I have this," and produced a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explained that she would need to consult with the bank manager and disappeared into a back office.

She found the manager and said, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She held up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looked back at her and said, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
One of my favorite Norm Macdonald jokes.
Thanks Landrew. I never know where my jokes originated, since they come to me without attribution.

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Re: Patty Wha..

Post by landrew » Sat Sep 01, 2018 3:29 pm

TJrandom wrote: Thanks Landrew. I never know where my jokes originated, since they come to me without attribution.
I probably shouldn't assume he wrote it, even though I never heard it elsewhere.
The job of a skeptic is to investigate the unexplained; not to explain the uninvestigated.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Mon Sep 03, 2018 4:26 am

I love Norm Macdonald. He's funny.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by landrew » Mon Sep 03, 2018 4:28 pm

Gord wrote:I love Norm Macdonald. He's funny.
I believe Norm grew up on a pig farm in Ontario, where he may have absorbed some old jokes from some of the old-timers in the community over the years.
The job of a skeptic is to investigate the unexplained; not to explain the uninvestigated.

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Trump Library

Post by TJrandom » Wed Sep 05, 2018 7:56 am

I hear that tragedy has struck the Trump library. Apparently a fire broke out and burned everything. Both books. And worse yet, he hadn`t finished coloring in one of them.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Lance Kennedy » Wed Sep 05, 2018 10:48 pm

Since the current theme seems to be horrible puns, here is another.

A guy goes to his doctor with a terrible flatulence problem. Not only that, but whenever he broke wind, it came out very loud as "Honda !! ".

The doctor checks him over but cannot help. He sends the patient to a colleague, who is a very old (sorry, mature) Chinese doctor. Six months pass, and the doctor runs into his Chinese colleague in a cafe, and sits down to have a cup of coffee with him. He asks about the referral, and the more mature colleague says : "Yes. Velly interesting case. Cause by abscess. Easy cure. "

The first doctor says : "Well I never. An abscess. I never would have picked that. How did you know ? "

"Back in old China we have saying. Abscess make the fart go Honda. "

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Re: Trump Library

Post by Gord » Thu Sep 06, 2018 1:47 am

TJrandom wrote:I hear that tragedy has struck the Trump library. Apparently a fire broke out and burned everything. Both books. And worse yet, he hadn`t finished coloring in one of them.
I find it hard to believe he finished colouring in the other one, either.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Trump Library

Post by TJrandom » Thu Sep 06, 2018 3:25 am

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:I hear that tragedy has struck the Trump library. Apparently a fire broke out and burned everything. Both books. And worse yet, he hadn`t finished coloring in one of them.
I find it hard to believe he finished colouring in the other one, either.
True enough - I believe that was the one with the blue bar on the flag, so it was set aside as finished, lest he get any ideas.

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Badge

Post by TJrandom » Thu Sep 27, 2018 9:57 pm

A police officer stopped at a farm in the bush, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor. He told the farmer, "I have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now."

The old timer said, "Okay officer, but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.

The Cop verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me!" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face. "See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand?!!"

The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri Sep 28, 2018 12:43 am

:lol:
.
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Re: Badge

Post by Matthew Ellard » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:37 am

TJrandom wrote:" in the bush" ....... "See this badge mate?......
Hmmmm.....your vocabulary suggests to me that you spent a lot of time in Australia. :D

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Re: Badge

Post by TJrandom » Fri Sep 28, 2018 9:12 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:
TJrandom wrote:" in the bush" ....... "See this badge mate?......
Hmmmm.....your vocabulary suggests to me that you spent a lot of time in Australia. :D
Not so much - probably less than 50 days. Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings. But I did work with a few across maybe 15 years. My joke feed comes from an Aussie, but I have to throw more than half of them out. :roll:

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Simple

Post by TJrandom » Fri Sep 28, 2018 10:07 am

A woman was being interviewed by a journalist from an upmarket social magazine.

Interviewer: "I noticed that you have been married 4 times, first to a banker, then to an actor, next a rabbi and finally to an undertaker. What’s up with that?"

Woman: "Honey, it`s simple. It was one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go!"

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Re: Badge

Post by Gord » Fri Sep 28, 2018 1:40 pm

TJrandom wrote:My joke feed comes from an Aussie, but I have to throw more than half of them out. :roll:
For the spelling and grammar, I presume.

:innocent:
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Fri Sep 28, 2018 2:32 pm

Mostly for presuming that down under politics matter would be understood.

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Re: Badge

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri Sep 28, 2018 3:32 pm

TJrandom wrote:...Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings...:roll:
Why the eye roll? :-P Dives can be fun. :ahoy:
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Re: Badge

Post by TJrandom » Fri Sep 28, 2018 8:40 pm

scrmbldggs wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings...:roll:
Why the eye roll? :-P Dives can be fun. :ahoy:
Now now... let`s quote correctly. This is what I wrote...
... My joke feed comes from an Aussie, but I have to throw more than half of them out. :roll:


That other stuff, `bout diving was pure joy.

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Re: Badge

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Sep 29, 2018 12:04 am

TJrandom wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings...:roll:
Why the eye roll? :-P Dives can be fun. :ahoy:
Now now... let`s quote correctly. This is what I wrote...
... My joke feed comes from an Aussie, but I have to throw more than half of them out. :roll:


That other stuff, `bout diving was pure joy.
Yearp, bad edit for sure... So you do like diving into dives? :P
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Re: Badge

Post by Matthew Ellard » Sat Sep 29, 2018 12:46 am

TJrandom wrote:...Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings...:roll:
scrmbldggs wrote:Why the eye roll? :-P Dives can be fun. :ahoy:
A "Dive" is Aussie slang for a very bad nightclub or bar with sticky carpet. :D

"Mate. You look crook as Rookwood" ( You look as unwell as Rookwood State cemetery in Sydney)
"Yeah, we ended up at some dive, at the cross, after the pub" (we went to a cheap night club in the Kings Cross red light district) :D

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Re: Badge

Post by TJrandom » Sat Sep 29, 2018 9:00 am

scrmbldggs wrote:
TJrandom wrote:
scrmbldggs wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings...:roll:
Why the eye roll? :-P Dives can be fun. :ahoy:
Now now... let`s quote correctly. This is what I wrote...
... My joke feed comes from an Aussie, but I have to throw more than half of them out. :roll:


That other stuff, `bout diving was pure joy.
Yearp, bad edit for sure... So you do like diving into dives? :P
Well... divas for sure.

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Re: Badge

Post by Gord » Sat Sep 29, 2018 11:38 am

Matthew Ellard wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings...:roll:
scrmbldggs wrote:Why the eye roll? :-P Dives can be fun. :ahoy:
A "Dive" is Aussie slang for a very bad nightclub or bar with sticky carpet. :D
I'm pretty sure it means that everywhere. Maybe even Japan! ;)
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Badge

Post by TJrandom » Mon Oct 01, 2018 10:47 am

Gord wrote:
Matthew Ellard wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings...:roll:
scrmbldggs wrote:Why the eye roll? :-P Dives can be fun. :ahoy:
A "Dive" is Aussie slang for a very bad nightclub or bar with sticky carpet. :D
I'm pretty sure it means that everywhere. Maybe even Japan! ;)
It would mean that here... if we had any. ;)

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Re: Badge

Post by Gord » Mon Oct 01, 2018 1:19 pm

TJrandom wrote:
Gord wrote:
Matthew Ellard wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings...:roll:
scrmbldggs wrote:Why the eye roll? :-P Dives can be fun. :ahoy:
A "Dive" is Aussie slang for a very bad nightclub or bar with sticky carpet. :D
I'm pretty sure it means that everywhere. Maybe even Japan! ;)
It would mean that here... if we had any. ;)
WHAT?!? ANIME HAS LIED TO ME?!?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Badge

Post by TJrandom » Mon Oct 01, 2018 8:43 pm

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:
Gord wrote:
Matthew Ellard wrote:
TJrandom wrote:...Mostly dive trips attached to business meetings...:roll:
scrmbldggs wrote:Why the eye roll? :-P Dives can be fun. :ahoy:
A "Dive" is Aussie slang for a very bad nightclub or bar with sticky carpet. :D
I'm pretty sure it means that everywhere. Maybe even Japan! ;)
It would mean that here... if we had any. ;)
WHAT?!? ANIME HAS LIED TO ME?!?
You know Anime? I`ve never met her.

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Nymphomaniac

Post by TJrandom » Mon Oct 01, 2018 8:49 pm

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realised she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Irish.

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".

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Pasteurized

Post by TJrandom » Thu Oct 04, 2018 12:37 pm

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 100 litres of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 10 litres. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 10 litres?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 100 litres. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes!"

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comedian gig

Post by TJrandom » Mon Oct 08, 2018 10:33 am

Had my first gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.

They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

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Senior exam...

Post by TJrandom » Wed Oct 10, 2018 10:15 am

New Senior's Exam.... you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.

Check your answers below ......




ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ…
Spoiler:

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Oct 11, 2018 2:50 am

Spoiler:
1) I can't remember exactly, but I think it was either 116 or 118 years.
2) I thought it was the US.
3) Beavers?
4) I didn't know they did.
5) Beaver hair?
6) The dog.
7) Bob?
8) Probably red or brown. The origin of colours is really quite interesting.
9) Chinese goosebury trees?
10) Orange.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Thu Oct 11, 2018 3:10 am

Just three... back to primary school for you. :heyup:

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Oct 11, 2018 3:53 am

Which three?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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TJrandom
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:15 am

Gord wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 3:53 am
Which three?
The three that are left after having removed the other seven, of course. :roll:

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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Thu Oct 11, 2018 6:56 pm

TJrandom wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 10:15 am
Gord wrote:
Thu Oct 11, 2018 3:53 am
Which three?
The three that are left after having removed the other seven, of course. :roll:
Sounds antigenitalial to me.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?