Jokes

Laugh it up...
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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sun May 28, 2017 11:07 pm

"Only in America could I get a job!" -- Homer Simpson
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Sun May 28, 2017 11:47 pm

Major Malfunction wrote: ... TJ, tell your friends to just go and {!#%@}, already! The sexual tension is over 9000!


I am sure that they already are... with their youth, all of those empty rooms, and making night-shift rounds.... :lol:

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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Sun May 28, 2017 11:55 pm

Ah, to be young... *sigh*

No, wait! I'm not that old!
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Dumb blonde commercial

Postby TJrandom » Mon May 29, 2017 4:48 am


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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Mon May 29, 2017 5:14 am

It's an ad for a Schwagenwagon!
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Re: Jokes

Postby fromthehills » Mon May 29, 2017 6:14 am

Major Malfunction wrote:Ah, to be young... *sigh*

No, wait! I'm not that old!


Yes you are.

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3 nickels

Postby TJrandom » Tue May 30, 2017 11:20 pm

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, 'I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?

'No,' the woman replied. 'I am a divorce attorney. I normally take 50%, but in this case..., I`ll settle for 2 cents, please'

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Wed Jun 07, 2017 5:27 am

Gord wrote:Things Confucius never said:
...although I think Charlie Chan may have said some of them.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew. :D
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Wed Jun 07, 2017 5:43 am

Two anthropologists are studying a primitive island tribe, noting the details of clothing, housing, food preparation, ritual, and other such things. The island is also home to a rather large breed of bird that flies overhead at regular intervals with a raucous cry of, "Foo! Foo!" The anthropologists begin to notice that, when the bird defecates and it happens to land on one of the tribespeople, they don't clean it off.

"How strange," says one to the other. "We should ask the chieftain about this practice." So they do. The chieftain explains that it's extremely bad luck to wash off the excrement of the bird, and regales them with tales of woe. The anthropologists listen politely, but shrug off the chieftain's stories as mere superstition.

The next day, as they're observing the tribe's breakfast, one of the birds flies over them with a cry of, "Foo! Foo!" and manages to get both of them with a horribly sloppy, smelly mess. Disgusted, they rush to the lagoon and splash water over themselves until the excrement is gone. They manage to take a few steps back onto the sand before the bird swoops down and grasps them, one in each claw, flies off to its nest, and feeds them to its babies.

The tribe watches this silently. Finally, the chieftain says, "I tried to tell them: When the Foo shits, wear it."
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Wed Jun 07, 2017 6:42 am

:lol:

welkum to the forum!
Gubmint for us
http://www.7532020.com
not the rich.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:25 am

A man walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"
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Coincidence

Postby TJrandom » Wed Jun 07, 2017 9:58 am

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Wed Jun 07, 2017 4:54 pm

JO 753 wrote::lol:

welkum to the forum!

Thanks! Thought I'd start off with a bang. :D
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Thu Jun 08, 2017 9:55 pm

• When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

• Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

• A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Fri Jun 09, 2017 1:36 am

My mother was eating a magnum ice cream bar and my niece said to her "I don't mean to be mean, but you're supposed to be loosing weight."

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Jun 09, 2017 3:37 am

My dad had a Freudian slip once.
He meant to ask my mom to pass the salt but instead said, "You stupid bitch, you ruined my {!#%@} life!"
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

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Did Bubba die?

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 09, 2017 1:14 pm

Bubba unfortunately was burned up pretty bad in a fire and passed away. The medical examiner had to have the body identified so he called in Bubba`s two closest friends, Rodney and Gomer.

The examiner had Rodney go in first, and explained: "I will remove the sheet and we just need you to identify if this is him."

Rodney said "He is pretty burnt up, can you turn him over? " and then, " Nope that ain't him."

Next was Gomer, and he went through the same ritual and also said to the examiner "Could you please turn him over?" He took a few minutes and finally confirmed: "That's not Bubba."

The medical examiner was curious now, and asked Gomer: "I am curious, How do you know for sure it's not Bubba?"

"Well because anytime we went anywhere all we ever heard was - There goes Bubba with his two {!#%@}."

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Jun 09, 2017 7:15 pm

A travelling salesman breaks down in the middle of nowhere and after walking a few miles, finds a farmhouse. He knocks on the door and a farmer answers and invites him in.
The salesman explains his situation and asks if he can stay the night so he can call someone first thing in the morning.

The farmer says, "Sure. You can sleep in the barn, or the couch, or any of my spare bedrooms. You see, I live all alone. I'm a widower and all my daughters have married and moved away."

The salesman says, "{!#%@}, I'm in the wrong joke."
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Jun 09, 2017 8:02 pm

:lol:
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Did Bubba die?

Postby Gord » Fri Jun 09, 2017 10:46 pm

TJrandom wrote:Rodney and Gomer

Actually our names were Art and Gord.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Did Bubba die?

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 09, 2017 11:50 pm

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:Rodney and Gomer

Actually our names were Art and Gord.


Indeed - those were the names as I received it, but I chose to take pity.... :mrgreen:

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Jun 10, 2017 12:02 am

:P I prefer to take credit!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sat Jun 10, 2017 1:07 am

Art and Gord were summoned yet again to identify the body of another friend, though this time only a decapitated head was found.
Art and Gord wait until the curtain opens and the Medical Examiner holds the head up high so they can both get a good look
Then Gord says, "That's not our friend. He was much shorter than that."
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sat Jun 10, 2017 1:30 am

:roll: :lol:
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Jun 15, 2017 3:59 am

A little boy who was potty training came up to his mom and said, " Mommy, I have to pee. Can grandma take me to the potty and help me?"

She answered, "Honey, I can take you. We don't need to bother grandma."

The little boy insisted, "I want grandma to take me!"

Mom asked, "Why do you want grandma to take you"?

The little boy said, "Because her hand shakes".
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Thu Jun 15, 2017 4:04 am

Image
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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Jokes

Postby Matthew Ellard » Thu Jun 15, 2017 4:52 am

Soooooo.........two penguins are diving their car through the Australian outback during a heatwave. The engine overheats, so they pull into a mechanic's workshop. While the mechanic is looking at the car they both try to cool off by having an ice cream. Eventually, the mechanic walks over towards them and says "I think you have blown a seal". The penguin says "No mate. It's just ice cream". :D

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With the music...

Postby TJrandom » Thu Jun 15, 2017 6:29 am

A man walked into a bar and as he was waiting for his beer, he felt a strong gas pain. He figured he could let it out in rhythm to the music that was playing so no one would notice.

He did this and was pleasantly surprised and quite pleased with himself, at how well he was able to keep to the music's rhythm. But when he looked around, he saw everyone staring at him.

That's when he realized that the loud music was coming through his earphones.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Jun 15, 2017 6:39 am

A prospector was headed to the mountains where he would be cutoff from civilization for months. There was a very small town nearby with only a general store/tavern and when he stopped in to buy his supplies, he said to the storekeep, "I'm gonna be gone for weeks at a time and will come in for supplies. I'm gonna be real lonely. What do men do for fun around here"?

The storekeep pointed to a drunk in the corner and said, "We use ol' Joe over there".

The prospector became angry and said, "{!#%@} that. I don't play that {!#%@}"
He paid for his supplies and stormed out.

A couple months passed and he started feeling horny so he goes into town.

He asks the storekeep, "Any women around? I could use some company."

The storekeep said, "There's ol' Joe over there."

The prospector once again became angry and said, "{!#%@} that. I don't play that {!#%@}" and left

Another couple of months passed and he can't stand it so he decides to go back to town.
"Any women yet?"

The storekeep motions to the back. "There's ol' Joe over there."

"{!#%@} that. I don't play that {!#%@}!" and he left

It's now been almost a year and he was desperate so he goes to town and says to the storekeep
"I can't stand it anymore. If I take ol' Joe to the back, who else has to know?"

The storekeep says, "Well us three obviously and those two big sumbitches over there."

The prospector says, "I get us three knowing but why those two big sumbitches over there have to know"?

The storekeep says, "Because they have to hold him down. Ol' Joe don't play that {!#%@} either".
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Matthew Ellard » Fri Jun 16, 2017 12:31 am

Sooooo...... Hans joins the French Foreign Legion and is sent to a fort in the middle of the Sahara Desert. After a couple of months he asks one of the other Legionaries "So what do you guys do for sex around here?" The Legionnaire explained "There's a herd of roughly 200 wild camels that comes past the fort every couple of months. We have sex with them."

Anyway....about a month later, Hans hears a big commotion in the barracks and the men are all running outside yelling, "It's camel time!. It's camel time!". Hans asks the Legionnaire "Why is everyone running? If there are only fifty of us and there are two hundred camels, well, what's the big rush?" The Legionnaire looks at him and says "Well you don't want to get stuck with an ugly one, do you?"
:D

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Jun 16, 2017 2:30 am

...and one of Hans' mates has difficulties reaching his camel. There's also no way he can get it to lie down. So he makes a pile of dirt behind it, alas, every time he steps up on it, the camel takes a step away.

After about two hours of his frantic dirt shoveling out of nowhere a beautiful young woman slinks toward him, lays her hands on his chest and says with a smile, "Hi. I see you're all tired and frustrated, almost to the point of tears. Is there anything I can do for you?"

And Hans' mate lets go a deep breath of relief and says, "Yes! Yes there is! Can you hold that damn camel for me?"
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Jun 16, 2017 8:15 am

A group of tourists in Mexico were walking when one of them asked what time it was. No one had a watch so they asked a Mexican napping next to his donkey.
"Excuse me. Do you know what time it is"?

The Mexican sat up, scooted up to the donkey, lifted the donkey's balls up and said, "It's 5:45 in the afternoon, senor".

The tourists are amazed. "How did you do that?" "Can you teach me to do that"?
Finally, one of them offered him $100 and said, "You have to show me how you did that"!

The Mexican took the money, put it in his pocket, took his hand and cupped the donkey's balls ever so gently, motioned for the man to come closer, lifted the balls up and said, "You see that clock over there"?
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:25 pm

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosymphathize with it?

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Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:30 pm

Cadmusteeth wrote:If a plant is sad, do other plants photosymphathize with it?

Yes, they can get quite sappy.
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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Fri Jun 16, 2017 5:39 pm

bobbo_the_Pragmatist wrote:
Cadmusteeth wrote:If a plant is sad, do other plants photosymphathize with it?

Yes, they can get quite sappy.

I was going to remark in the same vein, but decided to leaf it alone.
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Jun 16, 2017 5:50 pm

Nipped that one in the bud, eh.
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby OlegTheBatty » Fri Jun 16, 2017 6:04 pm

Cadmusteeth wrote:If a plant is sad, do other plants photosymphathize with it?


Good question. What's the anther?
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Fri Jun 16, 2017 6:43 pm

He's stalking you...
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Fri Jun 16, 2017 7:13 pm

A lot of plant puns have cropped up.

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Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Fri Jun 16, 2017 7:45 pm

Rooted in more sophisticated word play, I don't have the stoma for this blooming exercise, but I might lichen to it.
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