Jokes

Laugh it up...
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Wed Feb 28, 2018 5:18 pm

OlegTheBatty wrote:A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.
:award:
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Engrish

Post by TJrandom » Thu Mar 01, 2018 10:01 am

And that my friends is what we students of Engrish up with which we must put.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Major Malfunction » Thu Mar 01, 2018 10:31 am

* Up with put we much must.
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Thu Mar 01, 2018 9:49 pm

A man walks in to the dentist's office and asks, "How much do you charge to extract a wisdom tooth?"

The dentist says, "80 dollars."

The man says, "That's too much. Can you go down on your price?"

The dentist says, "I can do the procedure without anesthesia and knock 20 bucks off, I suppose."

The man says, "Nope. Still too high."

The dentist says, "I can do it the old fashioned way: I can use a pair of pliers with no anesthetic all for 20 bucks."

The man looks annoyed.

"Ok. A pair of pliers, no anesthesia and I'll have a dental student do for 10 dollars."

The man smiles and says, "Great! Set an appointment for my wife for next week!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:03 pm

Two drunks are drinking at the bar when the first one says, "I gotta use the can. I'll be right back."
The second drunk notices his friend has been gone for awhile and starts to worry and goes looking for him. He finds his friend in the restroom and says, "What's going on?"
The drunk says. "Every time I try to flush, something grabs my balls."
The other drunk says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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9mm

Post by TJrandom » Fri Mar 02, 2018 10:29 pm

So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection. When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader! As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! Just need to remember to wear underwear when I go out...

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Paint

Post by TJrandom » Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:31 am

Philip the painter was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he would often thin-down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Philip put in a bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he started, erecting the scaffolding and putting on the planks, and then buying the paint and thinning it down with water.

Philip was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from the church and knocking Philip off the scaffold, landing him on the lawn.

Philip was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got to his knees and cried out, "Oh, God..! Forgive Me..! What should I do???” And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke to Philip…

"Re-Paint.. Re-Paint… and Thin No More"

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Fri Mar 09, 2018 12:12 pm

Reported for being highly offensive.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Fri Mar 09, 2018 12:25 pm

Joking rather than a joke: When I report to the front desk of a department at the VA I always tell them that I'm here for "a procedure and an autopsy." It shortens the process if you get ALL the paperwork done first.
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Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by Mara » Fri Mar 09, 2018 1:00 pm

It has come to my attention that this bewildering phenomena has not been discussed on SkepticForum yet...

I am scared to say it at laud but...I think...my cat...has paranormal abilities!!! :blink: :shock:

I have deducted so empirically...based on observations...
...every morning she sits on the floor...
...about 1.5 meter away from me...
...facing my direction...
...staring freakishly at me...like...
...I don't know...it's difficult to put it in to the human words...
...that feeling...it's like...nothing else in the universe...
...like her eyes are saying:

"waaaaake up.... give me the fish....waaaaake up, give me the fish...' :frown: ...

and what do I do???? :shock: I WAKE UP AND GIVE HER THE FISH!!! :fright: Every morning!!! No mistake!!!

I dunno...maybe the Monroe Institute should have a look at her abilities...because I tell you... her effectiveness is 10/10...way above the random chance!... :shock: Should I also contact Rupert Sheldrake, Dean Radin and NASA?
...I was contemplating the million dollar challenge but I heard they are dogmatic materialists there, and they will try to misinterpret her psi abilities :blink: :abd:

What should we do? Write a book? ...or just live like normal cat and the cat's owner? ..but the people deserve to know the truth! No?

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri Mar 09, 2018 3:17 pm

:hmm: It could be worse. :oldman:
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Re: Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Fri Mar 09, 2018 4:36 pm

Mara wrote:It has come to my attention that this bewildering phenomena has not been discussed on SkepticForum yet...

I am scared to say it at laud but...I think...my cat...has paranormal abilities!!! :blink: :shock:

I have deducted so empirically...based on observations...
...every morning she sits on the floor...
...about 1.5 meter away from me...
...facing my direction...
...staring freakishly at me...like...
...I don't know...it's difficult to put it in to the human words...
...that feeling...it's like...nothing else in the universe...
...like her eyes are saying:

"waaaaake up.... give me the fish....waaaaake up, give me the fish...' :frown: ...

and what do I do???? :shock: I WAKE UP AND GIVE HER THE FISH!!! :fright: Every morning!!! No mistake!!!

I dunno...maybe the Monroe Institute should have a look at her abilities...because I tell you... her effectiveness is 10/10...way above the random chance!... :shock: Should I also contact Rupert Sheldrake, Dean Radin and NASA?
...I was contemplating the million dollar challenge but I heard they are dogmatic materialists there, and they will try to misinterpret her psi abilities :blink: :abd:

What should we do? Write a book? ...or just live like normal cat and the cat's owner? ..but the people deserve to know the truth! No?
Having been owned by many generations of cats I can tell you that their physical manifestation is but one aspect of their cosmic whole, and a minor aspect at that. I've seen cats disappear when the nail clippers come out, and walk through walls when I'm look at the cat food cans. They can levitate up to seven feet vertically, and can land on anything they want to when they jump down (but they have a preference for things that break easily or make messy spills.) They also have the world's greatest lawyers, as none of them have ever served time for their various and sundry crimes.
Chachacha wrote:"Oh, thweet mythtery of wife, at waft I've found you!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Fri Mar 09, 2018 8:04 pm

I also hear their arrival is by parachute. :-P
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Re: Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by Mara » Sat Mar 10, 2018 4:06 am

Gawdzilla Sama wrote:Having been owned by many generations of cats I can tell you that their physical manifestation is but one aspect of their cosmic whole, and a minor aspect at that. I've seen cats disappear when the nail clippers come out, and walk through walls when I'm look at the cat food cans. They can levitate up to seven feet vertically, and can land on anything they want to when they jump down (but they have a preference for things that break easily or make messy spills.) They also have the world's greatest lawyers, as none of them have ever served time for their various and sundry crimes.
I think you are absolutely right... I heard...that they belong to Cattyllians of the Cattus star configuartion :shock: They use and test sophisticated mind tricks on us, and report the findings to their extraterrestrial powers - did you notice how they always disappear for few hours during the night time? Especially during the full moon! :frown:

I heard they also collect our DNA through scratching... I shouldn't share this... but I think people deserve to be warned... ...One of my cat owner neighbours, underwent a regression hypnosis...and discovered that her cat is one of the leaders running human programs...during a period of two months, every time she went to sleep, she was sucked through a wormhole that really looked a bit like a pet door in her laundry...she was waking up with various unexplainable bruises on her body... during those nights she was kept on a unfamiliar planet, tested on, they were developing new forms of allergens to make humans suffer, as well as human responsiveness to various purring techniques as manipulation strategies! You know...there was always something strange about that cat of her, we felt it in our bones, but we could not put our finger on it... http://www.myconfinedspace.com/2016/07/31/third-eye-cat

...CIA, KGB and FBA then?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Mara » Sat Mar 10, 2018 4:08 am

scrmbldggs wrote:I also hear their arrival is by parachute. :-P
like a flat flying squirrel? :gloomy: ;-)

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Re: Jokes

Post by scrmbldggs » Sat Mar 10, 2018 4:46 am

.
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Re: Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by Gord » Sat Mar 10, 2018 9:02 am

Mara wrote:I am scared to say it at laud but...I think...my cat...has paranormal abilities!!! :blink: :shock:
This video is not safe for work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hiD-FwJlK0 Bad language!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
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Re: Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by Mara » Sat Mar 10, 2018 12:46 pm

Gord wrote: This video is not safe for work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hiD-FwJlK0 Bad language!
I did laugh quite a bit, you were right, the cat is vulgar - TG it's Saturday night here ;-) !

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Grandpa

Post by TJrandom » Sat Mar 10, 2018 6:31 pm

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'

Tommy says 'My grandpa got burnt.’

‘Was it bad?’

Little Tommy says 'Yes, they don't f4ck around at the crematorium.'

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Re: Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by Gord » Sun Mar 11, 2018 4:36 am

Mara wrote:
Gord wrote: This video is not safe for work: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hiD-FwJlK0 Bad language!
I did laugh quite a bit, you were right, the cat is vulgar - TG it's Saturday night here ;-) !
My nephew loves that video, we quote it to each other quite often.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?

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Fear

Post by TJrandom » Sun Mar 11, 2018 10:24 pm

The only thing flat earthers have to fear... is sphere itself.

If teachers are armed... do librarians get silencers?

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Re: Jokes

Post by Mara » Mon Mar 12, 2018 12:04 pm

Liberians kill with their looks... they actually do, I am not even joking.

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Mon Mar 12, 2018 3:43 pm

They dont seem to be particularly ugly, so iz it sum sorta X men power?
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Re: Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by Nikki Nyx » Mon Mar 12, 2018 4:17 pm

Mara wrote:It has come to my attention that this bewildering phenomena has not been discussed on SkepticForum yet...

I am scared to say it at laud but...I think...my cat...has paranormal abilities!!! :blink: :shock:

I have deducted so empirically...based on observations...
...every morning she sits on the floor...
...about 1.5 meter away from me...
...facing my direction...
...staring freakishly at me...like...
...I don't know...it's difficult to put it in to the human words...
...that feeling...it's like...nothing else in the universe...
...like her eyes are saying:

"waaaaake up.... give me the fish....waaaaake up, give me the fish...' :frown: ...

and what do I do???? :shock: I WAKE UP AND GIVE HER THE FISH!!! :fright: Every morning!!! No mistake!!!

I dunno...maybe the Monroe Institute should have a look at her abilities...because I tell you... her effectiveness is 10/10...way above the random chance!... :shock: Should I also contact Rupert Sheldrake, Dean Radin and NASA?
...I was contemplating the million dollar challenge but I heard they are dogmatic materialists there, and they will try to misinterpret her psi abilities :blink: :abd:

What should we do? Write a book? ...or just live like normal cat and the cat's owner? ..but the people deserve to know the truth! No?
This reminds me of the perpetual motion machine which is quite easily constructed...
Step One: Get a cat.
Step Two: Make a bunch of buttered toast.
Step Three: Attach the buttered toast to the cat's back, butter side up.
Step Four: Drop the prepared cat from a great height.
Results: The prepared cat will never land, but will begin spinning when it nears the ground. The universe is confounded because cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter-side down. In this case, both cannot happen simultaneously, so it spins perpetually. :mrgreen:
"An extraordinary claim requires extraordinary proof."—Marcello Truzzi

"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."—Christopher Hitchens

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Re: Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by OlegTheBatty » Mon Mar 12, 2018 10:18 pm

Nikki Nyx wrote:
Mara wrote:It has come to my attention that this bewildering phenomena has not been discussed on SkepticForum yet...

I am scared to say it at laud but...I think...my cat...has paranormal abilities!!! :blink: :shock:

I have deducted so empirically...based on observations...
...every morning she sits on the floor...
...about 1.5 meter away from me...
...facing my direction...
...staring freakishly at me...like...
...I don't know...it's difficult to put it in to the human words...
...that feeling...it's like...nothing else in the universe...
...like her eyes are saying:

"waaaaake up.... give me the fish....waaaaake up, give me the fish...' :frown: ...

and what do I do???? :shock: I WAKE UP AND GIVE HER THE FISH!!! :fright: Every morning!!! No mistake!!!

I dunno...maybe the Monroe Institute should have a look at her abilities...because I tell you... her effectiveness is 10/10...way above the random chance!... :shock: Should I also contact Rupert Sheldrake, Dean Radin and NASA?
...I was contemplating the million dollar challenge but I heard they are dogmatic materialists there, and they will try to misinterpret her psi abilities :blink: :abd:

What should we do? Write a book? ...or just live like normal cat and the cat's owner? ..but the people deserve to know the truth! No?
This reminds me of the perpetual motion machine which is quite easily constructed...
Step One: Get a cat.
Step Two: Make a bunch of buttered toast.
Step Three: Attach the buttered toast to the cat's back, butter side up.
Step Four: Drop the prepared cat from a great height.
Results: The prepared cat will never land, but will begin spinning when it nears the ground. The universe is confounded because cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter-side down. In this case, both cannot happen simultaneously, so it spins perpetually. :mrgreen:
Yes, but the cat will still be able to:
Wake you 2 hours before your alarm
scratch the furniture
hork up a hairball in front of your guests
. . . .

The above technique will not neutralize catevil.
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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Tue Mar 13, 2018 8:36 am

I just wanted to point out that Nikki got it wrong. As the cat nears the ground - it is not the cat that spins perpetually, but rather the universe which does so - the cat being in control; the universe not so much. :kit:

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Re: Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by Mara » Tue Mar 13, 2018 12:49 pm

OlegTheBatty wrote: Yes, but the cat will still be able to:
Wake you 2 hours before your alarm
scratch the furniture
hork up a hairball in front of your guests.
And, will still demand the fish!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Mara » Tue Mar 13, 2018 12:51 pm

TJrandom wrote:I just wanted to point out that Nikki got it wrong. As the cat nears the ground - it is not the cat that spins perpetually, but rather the universe which does so - the cat being in control; the universe not so much. :kit:
Of course! The ‘origin of the spin’ mystery explained, we just need to tell the physicists that!

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gawdzilla Sama » Tue Mar 13, 2018 3:13 pm

Chachacha wrote:"Oh, thweet mythtery of wife, at waft I've found you!"
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Re: Not a joke at all - this is Sssserious!

Post by Nikki Nyx » Thu Mar 15, 2018 6:12 pm

OlegTheBatty wrote:
Nikki Nyx wrote:This reminds me of the perpetual motion machine which is quite easily constructed...
Step One: Get a cat.
Step Two: Make a bunch of buttered toast.
Step Three: Attach the buttered toast to the cat's back, butter side up.
Step Four: Drop the prepared cat from a great height.
Results: The prepared cat will never land, but will begin spinning when it nears the ground. The universe is confounded because cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter-side down. In this case, both cannot happen simultaneously, so it spins perpetually. :mrgreen:
Yes, but the cat will still be able to:
Wake you 2 hours before your alarm
Yes. With buttered toast. :P
OlegTheBatty wrote:scratch the furniture
...and grease creaky hinges.
OlegTheBatty wrote:hork up a hairball in front of your guests
Ewwww!
OlegTheBatty wrote:The above technique will not neutralize catevil.
Nothing can neutralize catevil except a woodchipper. Or a hungry fisher cat.
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"What can be asserted without evidence can also be dismissed without evidence."—Christopher Hitchens

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Photo Film

Post by TJrandom » Sun Mar 18, 2018 12:44 am

Many, many years ago, a man took a roll of color film and sent It off to Eastman Kodak in Rochester for developing. He waited and waited and nothing happened. He finally got so frustrated that he wrote a song about his experience. It was a very good song and he sold it to Walt Disney who put it in a movie.

Remember?

The movie was Snow White and song was...

Wait for it...

Some Day My Prints Will Come.

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Re: Jokes

Post by Aztexan » Sun Mar 18, 2018 3:12 am

https://youtu.be/shZp9kCUIuY
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Re: Photo Film

Post by Mara » Mon Mar 19, 2018 3:20 am

TJrandom wrote:Many, many years ago, a man took a roll of color film and sent It off to Eastman Kodak in Rochester for developing. He waited and waited and nothing happened. He finally got so frustrated that he wrote a song about his experience. It was a very good song and he sold it to Walt Disney who put it in a movie.

Remember?

The movie was Snow White and song was...

Wait for it...

Some Day My Prints Will Come.
...Did Snow White have missing teeth? Honestly, I cannot remember...

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:38 am

I think she was thongue thied...

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Cancer

Post by TJrandom » Wed Mar 21, 2018 4:42 am

An old man walked into his Dr. office and asked “well Doc how were my tests?”

The Dr. replied “ Bill, I have some news for you. 1. You have an incurable cancer, and 2. You have Alzheimer’s “

Bill replied “ Oh thank god I don’t have cancer!”

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Re: Jokes

Post by JO 753 » Wed Mar 21, 2018 5:12 am

:lol:
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Re: Jokes

Post by Mara » Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:38 am

TJrandom wrote:I think she was thongue thied...
...kinky?

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Re: Jokes

Post by TJrandom » Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:53 am

Mara wrote:
TJrandom wrote:I think she was thongue thied...
...kinky?
Maybe a bad case of PK…

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Re: Jokes

Post by Mara » Wed Mar 21, 2018 7:57 am

yes, this seems like a very useful skill...

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Re: Jokes

Post by Gord » Wed Mar 21, 2018 8:10 am

This one is from my daily Get Fuzzy calendar for March 19th:

"Green is my favourite colour," said the Irishman. "I like it better than blue and yellow combined."

(Corrected for spelling, of course.)
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"Imagine an ennobling of what could be" -- the New Age BS Generator site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE
Is Trump in jail yet?