Jokes

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TJrandom
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pure ecstasy

Postby TJrandom » Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:41 pm

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forward then backward, again and again.

Back and forth, back and forth, in and out, a little to the right, a little to the left, she could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her
breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end of her self control and mental endurance.

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, her muscles tightened... She moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream and shouted;

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park, you do it."

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TJrandom
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Fish `n Chips

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jan 02, 2018 3:17 am

I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home?"

It was met with a stony silence.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Tue Jan 02, 2018 6:10 am

A woman and her young son, who is dressed up as a cowboy board a plane. As the plane takes off, a flight attend comes by offering drinks and snacks. The little boy doesn't want anything.

The flight attendant asks, "Would you like an ice cream sundae?"
The boy reluctantly says, "Yes ma'am."

She asks, "Would you like chocolate syrup?"
"Uh huh."

"How about some whipped cream?"
"Sure."

She asks, "How about a cherry on top?"
He says, "Ok."

Finally she asks him, "Do you want your nuts crushed?"
He pulls both his toy six shooters from his holster and says, "You want your tits shot off?"
trump is literally a piece of {!#%@}.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Tue Jan 02, 2018 3:18 pm

Just got back from yet another visit to the doctor.
He told me I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked, "Why?"
He replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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Holiday cheer

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jan 05, 2018 11:21 pm

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle to purchase some holiday cheer - a large bottle of sake, and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break. So I drank all the sake before I cycled home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

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Metric

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jan 06, 2018 8:32 pm

If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.

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Re: Metric

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sun Jan 07, 2018 6:45 pm

TJrandom wrote:If Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight. There would be mass confusion.
Weight...what?!
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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School days

Postby TJrandom » Thu Jan 11, 2018 10:49 pm

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back. Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?

Sally said, No.

Jerry said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.

Sally said, Don't believe him, he’s getting senile.

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.

Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here"!

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Vincent

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jan 13, 2018 12:41 am

Vincent Van Gough walked into a bar.

The barman asked, "Would you like a beer?"

Vincent said, "No thanks, I've already got an ear."

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TJrandom
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Intuition

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jan 15, 2018 10:09 am

My wife`s female intuition is so highly developed she sometimes knows I am wrong before I`ve even opened my mouth.

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Re: Intuition

Postby Nikki Nyx » Wed Jan 17, 2018 5:16 pm

TJrandom wrote:My wife`s female intuition is so highly developed she sometimes knows I am wrong before I`ve even opened my mouth.
:rotfl:
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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TJrandom
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Hospital regulations

Postby TJrandom » Sat Jan 20, 2018 6:39 am

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Jan 20, 2018 7:26 am

I'm always disappointed when I get discharged from a hospital, because there is no regulation here that requires a wheel chair. I want a paid intern to push me in a wheelchair, dammit!
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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TJrandom
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Old mule

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jan 22, 2018 8:25 am

Not so long ago an old farmer and his nephew were plowing the "back forty” using the highest technology available to them at the time - a hand-guided plow and an old mule, both somewhat the worse for wear.

The mule had seen better days. On one hot day, after several hours of hard work, the old mule's eyes crossed – and as you might guess, it is very difficult to plow a straight furrow with a cross-eyed mule.

The old farmer, with inspiration and the inventiveness of desperation, had long ago come up with a "country work-around." He carried with him a piece of small pipe, several feet long, and when the mule's eyes crossed, he would hoist the mule's tail, insert the pipe up its rear-end, and blow real hard. This would result in the mule`s eyes uncrossing and giving him a new wind, so to speak.

And on this day they had resorted to this remedy several times. But the last time, success was not coming. Blowing as hard as the farmer could, the mule`s eyes stayed crossed. The best he could do was get them to jiggle a little.

When he stopped to rest and get his breath, his nephew offered, "Here Uncle, let me give it a try." The nephew reached over, removed the pipe, turned it around, inserted the other end in the mule`s backside, and leaned down to blow.

The farmer stopped him with a shout, "WHOA! Hold it there, Nephew! What do you think you're doing??!!"

The nephew straightened up with affronted dignity, and said, "Why Uncle, you KNOW it wouldn't be sanitary for me to put my mouth where you just had yours!"

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Marriage

Postby TJrandom » Mon Jan 22, 2018 9:01 am

"Dad, did you know that in some countries you don`t know who your wife is until you get married?"

"It`s like that everywhere, son."


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