Jokes

Laugh it up...
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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Wed Aug 02, 2017 5:55 am

Aztexan wrote:#@$& Twitter!
Those sensitive, oppressive bastards banned my account. Apparently tweeting to that {!#%@} currently occupying the oval office that I hope he comes to Dallas and gets the Kennedy treatment is FROWNED UPON IN THAT ESTABLISHMENT!!!

You wanted him to sleep with Marilyn Monroe? I mean, she's dead and all, but I think she'd still prefer not to.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Wed Aug 02, 2017 11:15 am

Probably didn`t want to see him presented with cowboy boots and a hat....

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Wed Aug 02, 2017 4:29 pm

A scientist is experimenting on a frog's ability to jump given the effects of amputation of various appendages. He cuts off the front right arm. Then he hits the table and yells, "JUMP!"
The from jumps. He records his thoughts and findings: "after the front right arm is amputated, the frog is still capable of jumping its normal distance."
He then cuts off the front left arm, hits the table and yells "JUMP!"
He writes in his notebook "though visibly shaken, after both front arms are removed, the frog manages to maintain his normal jumping distance."
Then he removes the back left leg, hits the table and yells, "JUMP!"
He notes, " after removal of the back left leg, the frog can only hop a few inches"
Now he cuts off the back right legs, hits the table and yells, "JUMP!"
He repeats his command.
Finally he writes his conclusion: "after all four limbs have been amputated, the frog goes deaf."
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Wed Aug 02, 2017 4:50 pm

:|

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Wed Aug 02, 2017 6:07 pm

You're upset I was banned from twitter, too?
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby OlegTheBatty » Wed Aug 02, 2017 6:24 pm

Aztexan wrote:You're upset I was banned from twitter, too?


I'm not. I've heard that twitter is now banning everyone smarter than Trump.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Wed Aug 02, 2017 8:16 pm

OlegTheBatty wrote:
Aztexan wrote:You're upset I was banned from twitter, too?

I'm not. I've heard that twitter is now banning everyone smarter than Trump.

Not a good business model, having just one customer.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Wed Aug 02, 2017 10:03 pm

:lol:
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Major Malfunction » Thu Aug 03, 2017 1:02 am

I can't stand cyclists. When I'm going down the road and one cuts in front of me, I nearly fall off my pogo stick.
This being was produced using the same process as other beings, and therefore, may contain traces of nuts.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Thu Aug 03, 2017 2:51 am

Aztexan wrote:#@$& Twitter!
Those sensitive, oppressive bastards banned my account. Apparently tweeting to that {!#%@} currently occupying the oval office that I hope he comes to Dallas and gets the Kennedy treatment is FROWNED UPON IN THAT ESTABLISHMENT!!!
I would have retweeted you!
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Aug 03, 2017 2:57 am

What I said was actually way worse. Nothing that would have the SS at my door but...
I wasn't born free in this goddamn country only to have it taken over by hostile, racist idiots.
Sic semper evello mortem tyrannis!
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Two Priests

Postby TJrandom » Thu Aug 03, 2017 11:02 am

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on holidays. They were determined to make this a real holidays by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses.

Next morning they were at the beach, enjoying drinks, sunshine and the scenery when a topless blonde walked straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning Fathers" then she passed on by.

Stunned, they wondered, how in the world did she know they were priests. So back to the store to buy even more outrageous outfits. Now in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them saying "Good Morning Fathers" walking away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer & asked, young lady, we're priests & proud of it but how in the world do you know we are priests dressed as we are?

To which she replied.....

.... Father, it's me.... Sister Kathleen.

(topless photo omitted)

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Pecan tree

Postby TJrandom » Thu Aug 03, 2017 12:02 pm

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode
off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

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Re: Two Priests

Postby Gord » Thu Aug 03, 2017 5:47 pm

TJrandom wrote:(topless photo omitted)

Spoiler:
Image
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Aug 03, 2017 5:49 pm

I hate you sometimes
:P
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Thu Aug 03, 2017 6:43 pm

Which times?
:P
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Aug 03, 2017 6:47 pm

This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Fri Aug 04, 2017 1:00 am

One night I explained to my 7 yr old niece that being an adult is a decision and she said this in response: " You can die as a child! :D "
Last edited by Cadmusteeth on Fri Aug 04, 2017 9:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Aug 04, 2017 5:14 am

A man walks into a bank and says to the teller, "I'd like to open a {!#%@} savings account."
The teller is shocked but says, "I'm going to have to ask you to please watch your language or take your business elsewhere, sir."
The man gets angrier and demands, "Open me a {!#%@} savings account, goddammit!"
The teller closes his window and goes to tell his manager about this unruly customer. A couple minutes later they both return to the window and the teller opens it. He tells the man to please explain to the manager his situation.
The man says, "Look, ma'am. I just hit the {!#%@} lottery and won ten million dollars and just want to open a {!#%@} saving account!"
The manager says, "I see. And this {!#%@} {!#%@} is giving you problems?"
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Aug 04, 2017 5:23 am

A man wakes up to his next door neighbor beating his door. He opens it and asks, "Can I help you?"
The neighbor is angry and says, "Your son wrote his name with piss in the snow in my backyard!"
The man says, "C'mon. Didn't you ever do that when you were a kid? What's the big deal?"
The neighbor says, "It's in my daughter's handwriting!"
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Aug 04, 2017 5:35 am

A baker puts two muffins in the oven and closes the door. One of the muffins says, "It's hot in here, don't you think?"
The other one is startled and says, "Holy {!#%@}! A talking muffin!"
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Aug 07, 2017 4:57 am

A little kid was walking down the street with his dad when they saw two dogs having sex. The kid asks, "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father quickly says, "Well son, the dog on top burned his two front paws and the dog on bottom is helping him cross the street to get to the vet."
The kid chuckles and says, "Sounds about right. You help someone out and they wind up {!#%@} you."
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Honey

Postby TJrandom » Mon Aug 07, 2017 6:49 am

A child was writing a shopping list whilst on the rather noisy public bus with her mother. The mother said - ‘eggs, bread, milk, lettuce, peanut butter, and a jar of honey’ and the girl wrote it down.

Then the child asked: " Don't we need 2 jars of honey?'

To which her mother replied: " No, just one jar is enough."

“But mother, we need two jars… 1 for us to eat and another one for Daddy to lick off of you again!!!!"

The whole bus went suddenly quiet!!!!!

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Signs

Postby TJrandom » Mon Aug 07, 2017 10:40 pm

• A Sign on a Plumber's Truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

• At a car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Mon Aug 07, 2017 10:52 pm

:lol:
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Dingo

Postby TJrandom » Sun Aug 13, 2017 6:11 am

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the outback, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.

In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large dingo stood facing her.

The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''

''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The dingo got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sun Aug 13, 2017 6:59 am

On the night of a heavy thunderstorm howling through the neighborhood, a couple huddling comfortably in their living room heard the doorbell ringing and loud banging on the door. When the husband went to find out who on earth was out and about in such weather and why, he first looked through the window and was taken aback to see his soaking wet mother-in-law shivering on the front steps. He yanked open the front door and said, "OMG, what the heck are you doing out there in such weather?! Go home!"
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sun Aug 13, 2017 9:34 am

A frog goes into a bank, and hops up on the desk of the loan officer. ''Hi,'' he croaks.''What's your name?''

The loan officer says, ''My name is John Paddywack. May I help you?''

''Yeah,'' says the frog. ''I'd like to borrow some money.''

The loan officer finds this a little odd, but gets out a form. ''Okay,what's your name?''

The frog replies, ''Kermit Jagger.''

''Really?'' says the loan officer. ''Any relation to Mick Jagger?''

''Yeah, he's my dad.''

''Hmmm,'' says the loan officer. ''Do you have any collateral?''

The frog hands over a pink ceramic elephant and asks, ''Will this do?''

The loan officer says, ''Um, I'm not sure. Let me go check with the bank manager.''

''Oh, tell him I said hi,'' adds the frog. ''He knows me.''

The loan officer goes back to the manager and says, ''Excuse me, sir, but there's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow some money. All he has for collateral is this pink elephant thing; I'm not even sure what it is.''

The manager says: ''It's a knick-knack, Paddywack, give the frog a loan; his old man's a Rolling Stone.''

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-animal/inp29p ... -of-burden
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sun Aug 13, 2017 4:46 pm

In the not too distant future, a scientific exploration spaceship from Earth discovered a small planet orbiting a Sol-like star. They sent down a landing party and were excited to discover signs of an ancient civilization. Among the ruins was an enormous statue of a seated humanoid figure that measured 20 meters tall.

The scientists focused their examination on the statue first, but when they began taking readings, they discovered it wasn't a statue at all, but a life form. Strangely, dust and other evidence seemed to indicate it hadn't moved in decades, possibly centuries. And no matter what the xenobiologists did, they could elicit no reaction from the life form.

After months of fruitless efforts, one of the xenobiologists cried out in frustration: "How could evolution have produced a life form that doesn't ingest nutrients, excrete waste, or reproduce?!"

It chanced that he was the first person to ask a question in the presence of the life form. And the giant rose to its full height, rubbed its chin thoughtfully, then answered: "It couldn't." It then promptly sat back down and again became immobile.

And the xenobiologist exclaimed: "Of course! It only stands to reason!"

(paraphrased from the original written by author Spider Robinson)
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

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MILs

Postby TJrandom » Mon Aug 14, 2017 6:53 am

Three blokes at the bar were discussing the pros and cons of marriage and MILs;

Harry said: "me MIL was a true angel"

Jimmy said: "herself was the Mother Mary reincarnated"

Bill said: "Crikey youse blokes had all the luck... mine is still alive!"

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Re: Jokes

Postby KevinLevites » Tue Aug 15, 2017 3:53 am

Do you know what the difference is between a lawyer and a catfish?

One is covered with slime, has poisonous spines, slithers around in the mud, and is a bottom feeder...while the other, of course, is a fish.

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Grandmother`s funeral

Postby TJrandom » Sat Aug 19, 2017 5:30 am

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir." the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said.

"Oh, why is that?" asked the clerk.

Boss: "Well, after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

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Kale

Postby TJrandom » Tue Aug 22, 2017 10:26 am

If you ever consider buying some Kale… try it with a silent `K`… It`ll taste a whole lot better!

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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Mon Aug 28, 2017 1:44 am

We're do Spartans go to shop?
Spoiler:
Spears!

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Vacuum cleaner

Postby TJrandom » Wed Aug 30, 2017 10:48 am

A little old lady answered a knock on the door yesterday, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

“Good morning, Ma'am”, said the young man. “If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”


“Go away!” said the lady rather brusquely. “I'm broke – I haven't got any money.” And she proceeded to close the door.


Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don't be too hasty, he commanded. Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.


“Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”


The lady stepped back and said with a smile, “Well, let me get you a spoon, young man because they cut off my electricity this morning.”

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Re: Jokes

Postby Cadmusteeth » Wed Aug 30, 2017 12:21 pm

Well that went to {!#%@} pretty quickly.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Wed Aug 30, 2017 6:25 pm

Precautions

Not incorrectly
they advised me
to use the long spoon
if I went to dine with the devil.
Unfortunately
on those rare occasions
the only one available
was short.

Eugenio Montale
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Viagra

Postby TJrandom » Sun Sep 03, 2017 9:48 am

Had lunch with some seniors recently when one lady remarked…

The ladies at the home are giving their husbands Viagra.

It stops them from rolling out of bed.

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Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sun Sep 03, 2017 5:39 pm

:lol:
Hi, Io the lurker.

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Wed Sep 06, 2017 5:35 am

Here's a joke that shouldn't be a joke: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/brit ... aafcf31cc6

British Airways Magazine Really Thinks Lupita Nyong'o Is From Fictional Wakanda
Wakanda is the fictional African country where Marvel's "Black Panther" is set, not Lupita's hometown....

...Twitter user @MrFilmkritik shared a photo of the magazine’s global best-dressed feature, which lists several celebs along with their city of residence. Everyone’s information is accurate except for the 34-year-old actress who’s described as “The Marvel: Lupita Nyong’o (Wakanda).”...

...Lupita N’yongo isn’t from Wakanda. Wakanda isn’t real....

...Nyong’o is indeed co-starring in Marvel’s “Black Panther” film, but a quick Google search shows that the actress was born in Mexico, raised in Kenya and apparently lives in Brooklyn....

:mrgreen: Welcome to Wakanda: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wakanda_(comics)
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE


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