Jokes

Laugh it up...
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TJrandom
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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 16, 2017 11:06 pm

I`m stemied….

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Gord
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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Jun 17, 2017 1:32 am

BS.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
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Re: Jokes

Postby LunaNik » Sat Jun 17, 2017 11:29 pm

This topic's really flowering now. If we all stamen-tally alert, we could branch out and come up with two or tree more.
...it used to be so simple, once upon a time.
Because the universe was full of ignorance all around and the scientist panned through it like a prospector crouched over a mountain stream, looking for the gold of knowledge among the gravel of unreason, the sand of uncertainty, and the little whiskery eight-legged swimming things of superstition.
—Terry Pratchett, from Witches Abroad

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Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Sun Jun 18, 2017 4:12 am

Gord wrote:BS.


Cowdung is more prevalent in fertilizing plants and trees than bullsheet, the steers being fattened to be eaten first... So it is safe to say that when I was stemied, at best it was cowdung. :cloppy:

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Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sun Jun 18, 2017 8:31 am

TJrandom wrote:
Gord wrote:BS.


Cowdung is more prevalent in fertilizing plants and trees than bullsheet, the steers being fattened to be eaten first... So it is safe to say that when I was stemied, at best it was cowdung. :cloppy:

Man you are.




...sorry, I spelt that wrong. Manure.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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four five two one

Postby TJrandom » Sun Jun 18, 2017 10:10 am

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.




An Irishman checks his lottery ticket & discovers he has won $6m. He calls the lottery office to check how to get his winnings & they tell him unfortunately they are a little low on funds at the moment & very sorry & would it be possible to pay him $1m/month for the next 6 months. He's not a happy camper & comes firing back 'listen you lot, all this mucking about, just give me my $5 back'.




2 men are fishing in a boat when they see a hand rising up out of the water. 1 of the men say 'oh wow look....it's a dead body', the other man says 'don't be silly, it's just a little wave'.




A family of baked beans are heading for a holiday up to the Gold Coast. They ended up in Cairns

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Re: four five two one

Postby Gord » Sun Jun 18, 2017 10:28 am

TJrandom wrote:An Irishman checks his lottery ticket & discovers he has won $6m. He calls the lottery office to check how to get his winnings & they tell him unfortunately they are a little low on funds at the moment & very sorry & would it be possible to pay him $1m/month for the next 6 months. He's not a happy camper & comes firing back 'listen you lot, all this mucking about, just give me my $5 back'.

:heh: I'd forgotten that one.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

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Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Jun 19, 2017 6:08 am

A man walked into his garage and found his kid pouring a liquid onto earthworms causing them to stiffen up, and then proceeded to hammer them into a plank of wood. After watching for a few minutes, the earthworms would return to their normal state, completely unharmed. The man asked, "Whatcha doing, son"?

The boy answered, "Just playing around with a solution I invented".

The man said, "What's it do?", trying not to show too much interest.

The boy explained that for a few minutes, the solution causes the worms to harden enough to be hammered into wood.
The man asks, "Can I borrow a few drops tonight? I'll buy you a new bike"

The boy agreed.
The next morning when the boy went in to the garage, he saw not one but two brand new bikes. When he saw his father, he asked why he had two new bikes and a brand new car.

The father said, "One of the bikes is from me. The other bike and the car are from your mother".
This is a sentence. tHi5 iz a seN+3nce oN drUgs!!!

"When injustice becomes law, resistance becomes duty"--sign seen at Occupy Wall St. protest.

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Artist and the ophthalmologist

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jun 20, 2017 5:04 pm

A colleague of an ophthalmologist came to him and asked him to help a friend. The friend was a starving young artist, a painter, who had eye problems and could not afford to pay for treatment.

The good Dr. agreed to help, and soon had the young man's problems cleared up.

The artist was exceedingly grateful, as he could not ply his trade without good eyesight. Though he couldn't pay, he offered to paint a mural on a blank wall in the Dr.'s office.

The Dr. thought, "Well, why not?" They arranged for the artist to do it over a weekend, and when the ophthalmologist returned on Monday morning, it was to find that blank wall covered with a huge eye.

The beaming artist asked proudly, "What do you think?"

The Dr. thought for a second, and said, "Wow! What color, vivid details, and depth. ...

I'm just glad I'm not a proctologist!"

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Octopus is a player

Postby TJrandom » Thu Jun 22, 2017 8:18 am

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus, which he gently sets down. He promptly boasts that his pet can play any instrument, and offers $50 to anyone who can produce a musical instrument that his octopus cannot master.

One of the band members immediately saunters over, producing his guitar. The octopus picks up the guitar and is soon jamming like Prince.

Another bar patron shows up with a harmonica. Again, the octopus handles it like a pro, boasting some amazing blues.

Finally, the bartender can take it no longer. He reaches under the bar and produces a set of bagpipes, challenging the pet owner, "Let's see him play this."

The octopus picks up the bagpipes, turns them over, puts them down, and scratches his head. The pompous bartender snorts, "See, I told you he couldn't play that."

The octopus promptly replied, "Play that? I wanted to screw it, but couldn't figure out how to get its pajamas off."

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Re: Jokes

Postby OlegTheBatty » Thu Jun 22, 2017 8:37 pm

Then there was the blonde who broke her leg from raking leaves - she fell out of the tree.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

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Re: Jokes

Postby LunaNik » Thu Jun 22, 2017 9:44 pm

Blondie was walking along the banks of a rapidly flowing river when she spotted her friend, Goldie, on the other bank. Blondie looked upriver and downriver, but could see no bridge. Finally, she yelled across to Goldie, "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" Goldie yelled back, "You are on the other side!"
—————
Blondie got into a mild fender-bender, resulting in a dent in her car's trunk. When she took her car to the body shop, the guys decided to have some fun with her. "You don't need our services," one said, "Just go home, wait an hour for your car to cool down, then blow in the tailpipe. The dent will pop right back out again." Blondie thanked him profusely and drove home.

An hour later, Blondie was lying on the ground, blowing into her car's tailpipe, when her friend Goldie arrived. "What on earth are you doing, Blondie?" asked Goldie. So, Blondie related the auto body worker's advice. "You idiot," Goldie exclaimed, "You have to close the windows first!"
...it used to be so simple, once upon a time.
Because the universe was full of ignorance all around and the scientist panned through it like a prospector crouched over a mountain stream, looking for the gold of knowledge among the gravel of unreason, the sand of uncertainty, and the little whiskery eight-legged swimming things of superstition.
—Terry Pratchett, from Witches Abroad

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Paint the Porch

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 23, 2017 7:16 am

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman". She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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First Class

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 23, 2017 7:46 am

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.

Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.

The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.

The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way until we get to New York."

Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.

Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”

The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.

The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.

She immediately got up and said, "okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.

The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."


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