Jokes

Laugh it up...
User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 16, 2017 11:06 pm

I`m stemied….

User avatar
Gord
Real Skeptic
Posts: 29416
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:44 am
Custom Title: Silent Ork
Location: Transcona

Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sat Jun 17, 2017 1:32 am

BS.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

User avatar
Nikki Nyx
Veteran Poster
Posts: 2064
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:40 am
Custom Title: cognitively consonant
Location: playing croquet in Wonderland

Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sat Jun 17, 2017 11:29 pm

This topic's really flowering now. If we all stamen-tally alert, we could branch out and come up with two or tree more.
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Sun Jun 18, 2017 4:12 am

Gord wrote:BS.


Cowdung is more prevalent in fertilizing plants and trees than bullsheet, the steers being fattened to be eaten first... So it is safe to say that when I was stemied, at best it was cowdung. :cloppy:

User avatar
Gord
Real Skeptic
Posts: 29416
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:44 am
Custom Title: Silent Ork
Location: Transcona

Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Sun Jun 18, 2017 8:31 am

TJrandom wrote:
Gord wrote:BS.


Cowdung is more prevalent in fertilizing plants and trees than bullsheet, the steers being fattened to be eaten first... So it is safe to say that when I was stemied, at best it was cowdung. :cloppy:

Man you are.




...sorry, I spelt that wrong. Manure.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

four five two one

Postby TJrandom » Sun Jun 18, 2017 10:10 am

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife, "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. Damn, you're right.




An Irishman checks his lottery ticket & discovers he has won $6m. He calls the lottery office to check how to get his winnings & they tell him unfortunately they are a little low on funds at the moment & very sorry & would it be possible to pay him $1m/month for the next 6 months. He's not a happy camper & comes firing back 'listen you lot, all this mucking about, just give me my $5 back'.




2 men are fishing in a boat when they see a hand rising up out of the water. 1 of the men say 'oh wow look....it's a dead body', the other man says 'don't be silly, it's just a little wave'.




A family of baked beans are heading for a holiday up to the Gold Coast. They ended up in Cairns

User avatar
Gord
Real Skeptic
Posts: 29416
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:44 am
Custom Title: Silent Ork
Location: Transcona

Re: four five two one

Postby Gord » Sun Jun 18, 2017 10:28 am

TJrandom wrote:An Irishman checks his lottery ticket & discovers he has won $6m. He calls the lottery office to check how to get his winnings & they tell him unfortunately they are a little low on funds at the moment & very sorry & would it be possible to pay him $1m/month for the next 6 months. He's not a happy camper & comes firing back 'listen you lot, all this mucking about, just give me my $5 back'.

:heh: I'd forgotten that one.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Mon Jun 19, 2017 6:08 am

A man walked into his garage and found his kid pouring a liquid onto earthworms causing them to stiffen up, and then proceeded to hammer them into a plank of wood. After watching for a few minutes, the earthworms would return to their normal state, completely unharmed. The man asked, "Whatcha doing, son"?

The boy answered, "Just playing around with a solution I invented".

The man said, "What's it do?", trying not to show too much interest.

The boy explained that for a few minutes, the solution causes the worms to harden enough to be hammered into wood.
The man asks, "Can I borrow a few drops tonight? I'll buy you a new bike"

The boy agreed.
The next morning when the boy went in to the garage, he saw not one but two brand new bikes. When he saw his father, he asked why he had two new bikes and a brand new car.

The father said, "One of the bikes is from me. The other bike and the car are from your mother".
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Artist and the ophthalmologist

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jun 20, 2017 5:04 pm

A colleague of an ophthalmologist came to him and asked him to help a friend. The friend was a starving young artist, a painter, who had eye problems and could not afford to pay for treatment.

The good Dr. agreed to help, and soon had the young man's problems cleared up.

The artist was exceedingly grateful, as he could not ply his trade without good eyesight. Though he couldn't pay, he offered to paint a mural on a blank wall in the Dr.'s office.

The Dr. thought, "Well, why not?" They arranged for the artist to do it over a weekend, and when the ophthalmologist returned on Monday morning, it was to find that blank wall covered with a huge eye.

The beaming artist asked proudly, "What do you think?"

The Dr. thought for a second, and said, "Wow! What color, vivid details, and depth. ...

I'm just glad I'm not a proctologist!"

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Octopus is a player

Postby TJrandom » Thu Jun 22, 2017 8:18 am

A man walks into a bar with his pet octopus, which he gently sets down. He promptly boasts that his pet can play any instrument, and offers $50 to anyone who can produce a musical instrument that his octopus cannot master.

One of the band members immediately saunters over, producing his guitar. The octopus picks up the guitar and is soon jamming like Prince.

Another bar patron shows up with a harmonica. Again, the octopus handles it like a pro, boasting some amazing blues.

Finally, the bartender can take it no longer. He reaches under the bar and produces a set of bagpipes, challenging the pet owner, "Let's see him play this."

The octopus picks up the bagpipes, turns them over, puts them down, and scratches his head. The pompous bartender snorts, "See, I told you he couldn't play that."

The octopus promptly replied, "Play that? I wanted to screw it, but couldn't figure out how to get its pajamas off."

User avatar
OlegTheBatty
True Skeptic
Posts: 10510
Joined: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:35 pm
Custom Title: Uppity Atheist

Re: Jokes

Postby OlegTheBatty » Thu Jun 22, 2017 8:37 pm

Then there was the blonde who broke her leg from raking leaves - she fell out of the tree.
. . . with the satisfied air of a man who thinks he has an idea of his own because he has commented on the idea of another . . . - Alexandre Dumas 'The Count of Monte Cristo"

There is no statement so absurd that it has not been uttered by some philosopher. - Cicero

User avatar
Nikki Nyx
Veteran Poster
Posts: 2064
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:40 am
Custom Title: cognitively consonant
Location: playing croquet in Wonderland

Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Thu Jun 22, 2017 9:44 pm

Blondie was walking along the banks of a rapidly flowing river when she spotted her friend, Goldie, on the other bank. Blondie looked upriver and downriver, but could see no bridge. Finally, she yelled across to Goldie, "Hey! How do I get to the other side?" Goldie yelled back, "You are on the other side!"
—————
Blondie got into a mild fender-bender, resulting in a dent in her car's trunk. When she took her car to the body shop, the guys decided to have some fun with her. "You don't need our services," one said, "Just go home, wait an hour for your car to cool down, then blow in the tailpipe. The dent will pop right back out again." Blondie thanked him profusely and drove home.

An hour later, Blondie was lying on the ground, blowing into her car's tailpipe, when her friend Goldie arrived. "What on earth are you doing, Blondie?" asked Goldie. So, Blondie related the auto body worker's advice. "You idiot," Goldie exclaimed, "You have to close the windows first!"
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Paint the Porch

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 23, 2017 7:16 am

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman". She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

First Class

Postby TJrandom » Fri Jun 23, 2017 7:46 am

A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.

Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.

The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.

The blonde replied, "I'm a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I'm going to sit here all the way until we get to New York."

Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem. The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.

Again, the blonde replied: "I'm a famous model. I'm sitting here all the way to New York.”

The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.

The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her and that he could take care of the problem. He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde's ear.

She immediately got up and said, "okay, thank you". She then hugged the co-pilot and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.

The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replied, "I just told her that the first-class seats aren't going to New York."

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sun Jun 25, 2017 10:04 pm

A man suddenly wakes up in a hospital bed, tubes and wires running from his body, an oxygen mask covering his face and a young nurse, standing there, writing in a notepad.
He asks, "Are my testicles black"?
The nurse is startled and says, "I'm sorry. I'm only supposed to monitor the equipment."

He asks again, "Are my testicles black?"

She is now very nervous and wishes she were somewhere else. "Again, I'm not your doctor. I am only supposed to watch the machines."

The man looks to be getting irritated and asks louder, "Are my testicles black?"

She finally puts her notepad down and raises the sheets and his gown and finds and grabs his penis and testicles when the man ejaculates all over her hand.
Embarrassed, he removes the oxygen mask and says, "Geez lady, thank you for that but I still need to know, are my test results back?"
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
scrmbldggs
Has No Life
Posts: 19745
Joined: Sun May 20, 2012 7:55 am
Custom Title: something
Location: sees Maria Frigoris from its house!

Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Mon Jun 26, 2017 12:18 am

:rotfl:
.

Lard, save me from your followers.

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

The old woman who lived in a shoe...

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jun 27, 2017 4:03 am

What did the old woman who lived in a shoe do?

After the last child moved out, she sold the shoe and moved into a flat.

------

Speaking of perspective, what did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you BREATHE through that thing?"

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Tue Jun 27, 2017 11:24 am

This guy who had never married and never even had a girlfriend decided to save his money and visit an expensive brothel. He worked overtime, weekends, holidays and each week he would set aside a good portion of his check for his goal. Finally, after almost a year, he felt he had enough saved up for his trip to the big city and the whorehouse. Horny, he walked into the building and was greeted by the madame.
She asked, "What can I do for you?"
He said, "Ma'am, I have never been with a woman and I've been working hard and saving up just for this night so just give me whoever is available, I don't care who she is, please."
The madame told him that a party had rented the place for the night and had paid for all the girls. It was a very important client and she really hated to pull on of her girls off so if he could wait a few hours, one of the girls will be available, she was sure.
He was very disappointed and the bad news seemed to take the wind out of his sails but he was very determined and he didn't want to wait so he decided he needed a plan. Excusing himself, he went outside and stood in the street in front of the whorehouse and shouted as loud as he could, "THE NUNS AT THE CONVENT DOWN THE STREET ARE GIVING IT AWAY!!!"
As he strolled in, the madame was about to tell him that it was still too early, when simultaneously every door in the place flew open and over three dozen men, all in various states of undress came running out, squeezing towards the exit, filing out almost stampeding each other to death.
The madame, shocked, was about to tell the man that they now had women available when she noticed him running towards the exit, along with every other swinging dick. Growing even more puzzled, she shouted at him, "Where are you going?!?"
The man, with a huge grin to match his erection, answered back, "Hey! There may be something to this!"
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jun 27, 2017 11:45 am

Sounds like Trump...

User avatar
Cadmusteeth
Regular Poster
Posts: 972
Joined: Tue Jul 15, 2014 7:43 pm
Location: Colorado, USA

Re: The old woman who lived in a shoe...

Postby Cadmusteeth » Tue Jun 27, 2017 11:53 am

TJrandom wrote:"How do you BREATHE through that thing?"

It's a snorkel for my libido.

User avatar
Gord
Real Skeptic
Posts: 29416
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:44 am
Custom Title: Silent Ork
Location: Transcona

Re: Jokes

Postby Gord » Tue Jun 27, 2017 11:59 am

Aztexan wrote:...with a huge grin to match his erection....

TJrandom wrote:Sounds like Trump...

Oh, stop watching FOX.
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Tue Jun 27, 2017 12:41 pm

That joke actually reminds me more of the state of the media here in America, especially during this last election cycle. They run with whatever story that's put out there without verifying.
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

herring problem

Postby TJrandom » Tue Jun 27, 2017 11:26 pm

I went to the doctor with hearing problems.

He said "Can u describe the symptoms?"

I said "Homers a fat bloke and Marge has blue hair"

User avatar
scrmbldggs
Has No Life
Posts: 19745
Joined: Sun May 20, 2012 7:55 am
Custom Title: something
Location: sees Maria Frigoris from its house!

Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Wed Jun 28, 2017 1:51 am

This one might have been posted already...

An older guy went to see his doctor for a horrible and constant gas problem and explained that even it wasn't quite as embarrassing in public as it could have been because those stinkers were deadly but silent, he'd would still like some help to spare his fellow human beings.

The doctor takes a look at him and says, "Well, I think first we should check your hearing."
.

Lard, save me from your followers.

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Wed Jun 28, 2017 4:57 am

You're not alone in your senility. :P
Here's one I think I may have posted before, too

A cruise ship sinks, leaving only three survivors, a married couple and a single man, who were lucky enough to find an island.
After a few weeks, they each had their chores to do but the single man was becoming hornier and hornier each day. He found himself wanting the wife but there was nothing he could do.
One day, he told them that he was going to climb the highest tree on the island for coconuts and to make a sign for passing aircraft or rescue ships. While up there, he would occasionally shout at them, "Hey you two! Stop {!#%@} down there! I can see you!"
The couple would exchange confused looks, wondering what he meant.
So each day for almost a week, the man would climb the tree and go to work, only stopping to scream, "Stop {!#%@} down there. I can see you!"
Finally, the husband couldn't stand it. He has to see what the guy was seeing so he offered to trade chores for the day. The man eagerly accepted and as soon as the husband climbed all the way to the top, the man starts ravishing his wife.
The husband, looking down, says to himself, "Hmm. You know, he's right. From up here it does look like they're {!#%@}."
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Zebras

Postby TJrandom » Wed Jun 28, 2017 9:59 am

What is a Zebra?

26 sizes larger than an A bra.

User avatar
Nikki Nyx
Veteran Poster
Posts: 2064
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:40 am
Custom Title: cognitively consonant
Location: playing croquet in Wonderland

Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Wed Jun 28, 2017 5:17 pm

Mild profanity
Spoiler:
In a pub, a drunk was sitting at the bar next to a gentleman. He overheard the gentleman turn to the woman next to him and say, "Tickle your ass with a feather?"
The woman turned and said, "I beg your pardon?"
And the gentleman said, "Particularly nasty weather!"
"Yes," she agreed.
The two continued their conversation, eventually leaving the pub together. Well, the drunk thought this was a marvelous, snickered to himself, and continued drinking his pint.

The next night, the drunk found himself sitting next to the same gentleman who tried his trick on a different woman.
"Tickle your ass with a feather?" the gentleman inquired.
The woman looked at him and said, "Excuse me?"
The gentleman replied, "Particularly nasty weather!"
"Oh!" she said, "Indeed, it is."
And they continued conversing, eventually leaving the pub together. The drunk shook his head in awe.

On the third night, the same events transpired. Once again, the gentleman managed to acquire female companionship for the evening. The drunk decided it was time for him to try the trick, so he turned to the stunning woman next to him and said, "Stick a feather in your ass?"
The woman recoiled in shock and said, "I beg your pardon?"
And the drunk replied, "{!#%@} cold out, ain't it?"
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

User avatar
JO 753
Has No Life
Posts: 12389
Joined: Tue Mar 29, 2005 3:21 pm
Custom Title: rezident owtsidr
Location: BLaNDLaND
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby JO 753 » Wed Jun 28, 2017 6:26 pm

:lol:
Gubmint for us
http://www.7532020.com
not the rich.

User avatar
Gord
Real Skeptic
Posts: 29416
Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:44 am
Custom Title: Silent Ork
Location: Transcona

Re: Zebras

Postby Gord » Thu Jun 29, 2017 6:00 pm

TJrandom wrote:What is a Zebra?

26 sizes larger than an A bra.

:befuddled: Which alphabet has an A and a Z and 27 letters in total?
"Knowledge grows through infinite timelessness" -- the random fictional Deepak Chopra quote site
"You are also taking my words out of context." -- Justin
"Nullius in verba" -- The Royal Society ["take nobody's word for it"]
#ANDAMOVIE

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Re: Zebras

Postby TJrandom » Thu Jun 29, 2017 8:54 pm

Gord wrote:
TJrandom wrote:What is a Zebra?

26 sizes larger than an A bra.

:befuddled: Which alphabet has an A and a Z and 27 letters in total?


Why Bras of course. A, B, C, ... X, Y, aZ, and Z. Didn`t you know? :mrgreen:

(Now go back to your Popular Mechanics...) :lol:

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Fri Jun 30, 2017 3:18 am

Two men go to the gym and head to the locker room to change. As one of the men takes off his shirt and pants, his buddy notices he's wearing a bra and panties.

He asks him, "How long have you been wearing women's underwear?"

He says, "Ever since my wife found them in the glove box."
{!#%@} trump!

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sun Jul 02, 2017 9:53 am

How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Hey wanna ride bikes?
{!#%@} trump!

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sun Jul 02, 2017 4:35 pm

Ivanka trump decided that she wanted her face on the $100 bill so she goes into her father's office to ask him. He says, "I'll put your face on the$100 bill if you suck my tiny, little penis."
She refuses and leaves.

She returns a few minutes later and asks him again, "Daddy, can you put my face on the $100 bill?"
He says, "I'll put your face on the $100 bill if you suck my tiny, little penis."
She again refuses and leaves.

Finally she decided she would do it so she goes in and asks him again and gets the same response. She agrees and crawls under his desk, unzips his pants, pulls out his tiny, little penis and as soon as she puts it in her mouth, she jumps up, disgusted and spits, and screams, "Daddy, your dick tastes like {!#%@}!"
He says, "I know. Baron was in here a few minutes ago asking me if I would put his face on the $50 bill."
{!#%@} trump!

User avatar
scrmbldggs
Has No Life
Posts: 19745
Joined: Sun May 20, 2012 7:55 am
Custom Title: something
Location: sees Maria Frigoris from its house!

Re: Jokes

Postby scrmbldggs » Sun Jul 02, 2017 5:26 pm

Tsk tsk tsk... what would his evangelical friends say? :nownow:

Spoiler:
.

Lard, save me from your followers.

User avatar
TJrandom
Has More Than 7K Posts
Posts: 7616
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2014 10:55 am
Location: Pacific coast outside of Tokyo bay.
Contact:

Re: Jokes

Postby TJrandom » Sun Jul 02, 2017 7:38 pm

:lol: :lol: :lol:

User avatar
Nikki Nyx
Veteran Poster
Posts: 2064
Joined: Wed Jun 07, 2017 12:40 am
Custom Title: cognitively consonant
Location: playing croquet in Wonderland

Re: Jokes

Postby Nikki Nyx » Sun Jul 02, 2017 8:00 pm

Aztexan wrote:How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
Hey wanna ride bikes?

It's more like this...

Q. How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. One is the loneliest number of the beast of burden of proof is in the pudding pop goes the weasel, and the weasel goes popcorn is as high as an elephant's eye of the tiger, a {!#%@} tiger! by the Tale of Two Cities on flame with rock and rolling on the floor, laughing my ass off to see the wizard of Ozzy Osbourne Bridge Over Troubled Water over the dam it to hell hath no fury like a woman's worth a thousand words to live by the sword, die by the sword of Damocles hangs over my head like a hole-in-one...one...one...

Sorry, could you repeat the question? :mrgreen:
What are the facts? Again and again and again-what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore divine revelation, forget what “the stars foretell,” avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never mind the unguessable “verdict of history”--what are the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot always into an unknown future; facts are your single clue. Get the facts!
—Lazarus Long, from Time Enough for Love, by Robert A. Heinlein

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sun Jul 02, 2017 8:30 pm

Somebody change the goddamn light bulb!
{!#%@} trump!

bobbo_the_Pragmatist
Has No Life
Posts: 11013
Joined: Wed Sep 09, 2015 9:39 am

Re: Jokes

Postby bobbo_the_Pragmatist » Sun Jul 02, 2017 8:32 pm

Aztexan wrote:Somebody change the goddamn light bulb!

Are you familiar with the meme of "The Aristocrats"? Your joke was very much of the type....perhaps not as convoluted as the best ones. I still get squeamish.
Real Name: bobbo the existential pragmatic evangelical anti-theist and Class Warrior.
Asking: What is the most good for the most people?
Sample Issue: Should the Feds provide all babies with free diapers?

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Sun Jul 02, 2017 9:30 pm

I know. Those incestuous, idiotic trumps make me squeamish, too.
{!#%@} trump!

Aztexan
King of the Limericks
King of the Limericks
Posts: 7970
Joined: Sun Apr 01, 2007 10:39 pm

Re: Jokes

Postby Aztexan » Thu Jul 06, 2017 12:25 am

How many Polacks does it take to cheer and welcome an {!#%@} into their country?
{!#%@} trump!


Return to “The Funny Pages”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests